An Unnecessary Case of Exclusion: The Merits of Walking Alone

The sidewalk here is, on average, wide enough for three people. So if you're walking in a group of four, the logical thing would seem to me to be to walk two by two, leaving enough room on the sidewalk so that passing people wasn't so difficult.

But for some reason my friends always walk with three in a row, taking up the whole sidewalk and leaving one rather awkwardly in front or behind. Today, leaving Geography, it was quite natural to be chatting with Laura, next to me, while the other Laura and Clint were immediately behind. But Laura slowed and shifted and I followed her, and suddenly, dropping our conversation almost mid sentence, she was walking in line with them and I was walking in the street.

I finally asked the question frequently on my mind - why not walk the more logical way? Well, Laura explained, she would be missing out on the other conversation if she did that. :S Well, that's true, and it's lovely when we can all walk in a tight group, but when it's crowded or when we're on the small sidewalk, it's just not possible. So it seems to me just to be a case of unnecessary exclusion.

When I explained this, Laura got quite defensive and said that she had to walk behind just as often as I did. But I didn't feel that that made it any better! For my part, I've usually tried to walk behind if I notice someone else doing it. I won't say I always notice, but I try to. And then Laura jumped into Clint and other Laura's conversation as quickly as she could, ignoring me.

We stopped to steal a poster off of some bulletin board. They were talking about some music that I know very little about. Then we started walking again and I was in the back, letting my thoughts wander, wanting to be back in Laws, catching only the most distracting details of the conversation in front of me.

I'm okay with being alone.

I really am.

I'd prefer to be with people, but I've spent enough of my life alone that I'm quite okay with it.

I'm not okay with dragging, hanging on, being that outcast that it's clear no one wants around. I've received mixed signals from my friends here. As long as I steer very clear of anything serious, they seem great and friendly. But anytime anything serious comes up, they avoid me like the plague. I don't even think they're being hypocritical. They're just... somehow... dodging seriousness, dodging deeper relationships. I don't feel great about it but that's the way it is.

I'm okay with being alone.

I'm not okay with walking behind. I hadn't exchanged a word with them for about two minutes. The road forked and one way, the way we never take, was blanketed in sunshine. I travel faster by myself, and being outside of the conversation, I preferred to have my thoughts to myself. I doubted anyone would notice, so I turned at the fork and walked that way alone.

After several long seconds I thought I might have heard a voice, maybe.

I didn't even really mean to make a statement. I don't want to be angry at anyone or have them angry at me.

But I'm okay with being alone.

And I'm really, really not okay with walking behind. Even if, as they claim, they all have to take turns doing it. Not when it's avoidable. I don't like the feeling. I'd rather be alone.