I Will Miss You

I'll miss you every time I see a piney banana tree,
I'll miss you every time I eat patatas amb all-i-oli,
I'll miss you when the sky is bright,
I'll miss you when I walk at night.

If I had a save point here I'd save my game, two times.
Because in this moment, everything is right with the world.
And I spend too much time saying goodbye.
But everything is right with the world,
And I regret nothing.

The Camping Trip from Hell. :D

Got back from camping yesterday and when I woke up this morning it was hard to believe everything we'd been through. I mean, except of course for the lingering feeling of being wet and cold, the barely conscious urge to seek high ground at all times, the slight smell of forest and slighter smell of mildew throughout my room, and, of course, the giant tent filling the entirety of my bathroom. I squeezed around that this morning to brush my teeth and wash my face. I have a pimple in the middle of my forehead for the first time in years. I also have a toothache and a headache. Nice. I spent most of the day yesterday getting each of the four tents to safe and dry place so that they wouldn't mold, and I'll likely put in another 1-2 hours this week getting them folded up, sorted, and returned, but such is life. It was the weekend from hell, as predicted, but it was also awesome. Not only because the company started out good and got better (you can't help but bond through such experiences), but because it was beautiful.

We survived and that felt good, but it made me feel more vulnerable rather than more capable. I was forced to understand nature and my own limits. What if the tornado had hit our campground? What if we didn't have cars? What if we hadn't found the coin laundry? What if we weren't going home after only two days of the pain and cold? And how pathetic - we weren't even in the middle of nowhere in anything hellish - just a fierce two day thunderstorm, in a nice state park that even offered hot showers (which we never used because frankly we were wet enough).

I understood something of homelessness when I slept in the laundry room in a shelf above the dryers, feeling exposed and alone and even though it was hard and cold and uncomfortable still feeling bad for being there at all, that I didn't deserve even that... and in the morning after sleeping on and off I woke up to voices and my first thought was "shit, must be park rangers and here come the questions and, since I /am/ more legitimate than a real homeless person, an apologetic removal rather than one by force..." and I squirmed in my sleeping bag and waited but it turns out that time it was just some hick emptying his trailer toilet into the sewer. Relief. Zahra and I slept another fitful hour and then packed up before the real authorities might take offense.

Everything flooded the first night. We were all cozy and happy at first, eating chicken in the big tent by candlelight and then listening to the thunderstorm and feeling very safe and warm and dry inside. Then Lingxiao came in and said she was a bit wet, and Palak seconded. So Palak squeezed in a bit tighter and Lingxiao came over by me. After a little while Palak said her side was becoming unbearable and so was mine. So we sent Palak and Lingxiao into the cars to sleep, and brought in towels and whatever else we could find to try to keep the middle of the tent reasonable for Megan, Zahra, and I. We kicked out Zahra early on because the water kept coming, but she took the last available spot in a car, so Megan and I tried to last the night. Our tiny dry spot got smaller and smaller and we moved closer and closer to one another, catching only the tiniest moments of sleep now and then. Everything was damp, even wet, but we kept shrinking away from the puddles of genuine standing water until even that reached us. When three inches of water reached my face, I told Megan that we would have to figure something out. She elected to sleep in the front seat of one of the cars, and I gathered up my sleeping bag and went for a hike. It was barely even raining by now although the ground was soaking wet. I went up to the bathhouse and found a coin laundry, used all the coins on me to dry the sleeping bag, running laps around the campground while I waited, and then took the sleeping bag up to a little shelf, about a foot wide, perched above the dryer, and there I slept at last for an hour until the birds started singing at dawn.

We went climbing at Elephant Rocks and Johnson Shut In's, weather be damned or close enough. We hiked through the rain and when it stopped we climbed on the rocks, timidly at first and then a bit more ambitiously. We had to be careful, careful because things were slippery when wet and we held onto each others hands firmly and helped each other go higher and higher. At Johnson Shut Ins it was mostly me who went out, the others hadn't been there before and didn't trust it as much as I did. I had almost reached the other side when the rain picked up, turned into one of those torrential moments that can't last. I was in the middle of the river with the waterfalls and rapids on all sides and suddenly it turned as dark as after sunset and the water became dark grey and troubled. Everyone called me to come back. I did so, but calmly, thinking to myself how many times I've done the same thing in summer when the rocks were just as wet from splashing children and I didn't even have shoes on. God was it beautiful in the middle in the rain.


A dry moment at Elephant Rocks...

... and a wet one at Johnson's Shut Ins.


As soon as I reached the side my friends were on, the rain stopped and in seconds there was a dramatic reversal. The sun came out and the sky was blue - it was the best weather we'd had the entire weekend. I took off my jacket - I was still soaked underneath, but lighter weight, and Ju, Prite and I went out again. Prite was wearing flip flops and started walking through the shallower parts of the water rather than leaping from rock to rock and Ju and I did. Soon he was soaked and gave up on staying dry at all. He started jumping out of crevices and splashing us, so finally I put down my bag and jumped in after him.

We attempted to go up to Taum Sauk and Mina Sauk. We did stop for a while at the highest point in Missouri and took pictures at the overlook with the last of the short sunshine. As we reached the Mina Sauk fall trail, we realized that it was longer than anticipated and also very muddy and nasty, so we decided to head back to camp. It was a good thing, because no sooner had we gotten into the cars then it started raining again - harder than ever. It was such rain that it still impaired visibility when our wipers were at full speed, and here we were trying to make our way down the mountain. The roads weren't exactly in bad repair, or exceptionally steep, but they were definitely going downhill and were very curvy and windy and gravelly and muddy. I kept reminding myself of how it had been driving through the Smoky Mountains in a rainstorm at 60 mph and I knew I could manage. Just as I was thinking about where I would pull over if it got even the tiniest bit worse, the rain stopped again and the sun came back out. We had beautiful sun all the way back home and the drive was amazing.

That night wasn't nearly as bad as the first had been. After a miniature campfire in the pavilion so that Zahra could at last have the halal s'mores she'd been dreaming of and a game of Bullshit under the yellow lights of the bathroom building, we slept relatively well. We set up a new tent that seemed a bit more solid than the first, plus put it on higher ground, plus the rain wasn't as intense. Still, we were a bit scared after the first night, so Megan and Palak elected to sleep in the cars from the beginning, Prite and Matt took one of the 'safe' tents, Ju and Lingxiao took the other, and Zahra and I decided to sleep up in the laundry area again. It's amazing what can seem like luxury after a disaster.


Only picture of the whole group: Zahra, Megan, Lingxiao, Prite, Matt, Ju, Palak, and me.

Would I do it again? Abso-freaking-lutely. But not tonight please. :)

Saturday Night

Tonight I drove out to Rocheport with Zahra and Michelle, and we met Laura and Rachel at their house for a Bollywood Night (the first one that wasn't on my territory). I think I'm up to seven Bollywood films now. I understood tons of Hindi this time around. Laura made scones - blueberry and maple with pecans and chocolate chips - and Indian spiced tea with lots of milk. It was delicious.

I came home and I was a bit high from all the sugar. I planned to go to bed early, as I have a lot to do tomorrow (today), but instead I found myself hanging out with Lingxiao and some friends in the common room for half an hour, and then chatting with Tina, and chatting, and chatting. We talked about everything, mostly the saddest stories of our lives and that kind of shit. And I suddenly realized it was almost four o'clock in the morning. Not smart. But it is Saturday, so neither is it suicidal...

The End.

Goodbye!

This is a post for Esther, Amy, and Allan - my three friends from last semester who were exchange students. They are now back home in Germany, New Zealand, and Scotland, respectively.

Esther! My first memory of you is when you first came to live in South hall and I basically pounced on you and invited you to Stammtisch. :) It was a pleasure to get to know you. I'll always remember your sarcastic looks and out of nowhere funny one-liners. We had so much fun in St. Louis, at the Lake, and even around South hall watching Grey's Anatomy or studying in the lounge. I know I brought up Damaris a lot but I hope you never felt like a 'replacement' German - in my heart you are Esther and no one else. :) This is one of the last pictures I have of you - it's from the night before you went back home, when we were goofing around at our Bus Stop Burger King. I really hope I'll meet you again in Germany sometime soon!

Amy! You're the first New Zealander I've met in my life, and if you're any sort of representation of your country, it must be an awesome place. I loved how laid back and fun you were. I remember that you were always up for anything, whether it was playing goalie on South Hall's soccer team, spending New Year's Eve in Times Square, sleeping out on the dock, or going swimming in the lake at midnight in November. I'll remember all those epic times, as well as stocking up on loads of candy from Mizzou Market and watching Grey's Anatomy in the lounge. In this picture we were making fun of the height difference between us - even though you're not really looking at the camera I somehow feel that it captures your personality well. Good luck becoming New Zealand's top journalist! I have no doubt you'll get there.


Allan! It's hard to sum up our friendship in a short paragraph. It took us a month or two of living in the same building before we even properly met. Then, at first the only thing we knew we had in common was Indian food. After we got really lost dropping Zahra off at a friends house, we ended up talking all night, and never really stopped talking afterwards. You were there for most of my memories of last semester, but what I'll miss the most are our long walks and conversations. Highlights? Walking the MKT, your teaching everyone to Scottish dance in Times Square, watching the Missouri river freeze right before our eyes, actually seeing the mules, and, of course, running through Banjo Kazooie and Gauntlet Legends on a steady diet of India Packets and Furikake. Here we are in the Nintendo Store - oddly fitting. I'll see you soon - get ready to walk across Scotland.

A Crazy Week

The last week has been insane - both in good ways and bad. This is what I did:

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Monday - Flew home from Dallas, Texas.

Tuesday - South Hall had a fire drill, which I had to help conduct since I'm a P.A. Afterwards I went and played Racquetball with Ju, Prite, and Zahra for two hours. :)

Wednesday - I put up a bulletin board, had a staff meeting with my CET, then ran straight to Rollins for dinner with Tabi, and we went to see Tulpan (a Kazakh film) at the Ragtag.

Thursday - One on One Staff Meeting, then helped Kevin with Spanish a bit, and then ran to Middlebush for the year's first Alpha Mu Gamma meeting. We had great turnout actually. I walked home with Lucy and found out that we have a lot in common, and that we both live in South. Don't know how we missed that before. :P Then I made an email list for AMG.

Friday - I went to the Mosque with Zahra for Ramadan, ate yummy food, and then hung out with her and Maria, her roommate, for a while. Came back to the dorm around eleven and realized that the canoe trip on Saturday started really early in the day. So I had to make a really fast run to Schnucks for Canoe Trip Food before it closed.

Saturday - I woke up at 5:30 for the canoe trip. Do the math - I didn't get much sleep. It was really fun though. Ju and Fangbai were there. The river was low but actually the canoe that Ju and I were using was light enough that we just managed to drift over spots where other people were having to get out and drag. We skipped rocks and went swimming a bit. The water was the perfect temperature. On the way home I got to ride in a cool convertible, and I got home just in time to be on call. (First I ran to Dobbs for dinner and Carole happened to be there, so I ate with her and two of her friends) It was a football night. The stadium was packed with about 60,000 people and they were all chanting and shouting. A bit scary. Oh, and someone peed in the elevator and I got to clean it up. Charming.

Sunday - I slept until noon without even noticing. Then I got up, got dressed, and drove to Fayette. The drive was lovely with yellow wildflowers and old barns. Kristel made vegetarian lasagna and garlic bread which was very good, and then we studied Faroese with Uni for a while, interrupted for forty five minutes by an oboe recital across the street and a quick tour of CMU's campus. Then I drove straight back to campus just in time to meet Laura, Laura, and Peter for dinner at plaza. They were late, though, so first I sat with Allen, Esther, Amy, and Tina for a while, which was also nice. Then I was on call again.

Friend Fights

It hurts me to hurt my friends, even if it was unintended and even if I think they're exaggerating. If it's someone I care about, I don't 'get angry back' or anything like that. I just feel sick, can't eat, throw up.

I just wanted to say that. I don't do friend fights well.

Old Acquaintanceships

We do begin to become accustomed to always sound, always light, to the thick clouds of micropop vapor that drift through the halls, so thick in places we imagine we could lick the trans-fat straight out of the air. To janitors passing, complaining loudly on their cell phones at the crack of dawn - which is to say, before eleven on weekdays and two on weekends. To the indistinguishability between wet and moldering carpet, the drinking fountains whose filters no one bothers to change, and fresh Kimchi. All the early questions, the easy conversations are worn thin, the jokes are all tired... there's no more fun in these old acquaintanceships.

But now I eat seaweed. I can list at least 20 flavours of Ramen. With my eyes clothes I can hear and understand that Mayumi is making coffee and rice with her bottled water, pulling out her dry red pepper seasoning and sitting down to study. I know every resident by their laugh, their cough. And I see memories pass like motion blur ghosts from doorway to doorway, remember lying on the hard tile floor and laughing until we cried, ducking under raindrops as we ran to Subway, making footprints in the snow on Stankowski, an awkward spot or two worth a smile from a distraction... unfulfilled and fulfilled promises, that took physical form at some point and left footprints.

I should have blogged more when it was new. These things cease to be so fascinating but isn't that interesting in and of itself? Living here for a year, we've already painted the campus with enough sweat, tears, blood, colours of exhaustion, excitement, plans to make it ours.

Easter as an Exile

私の気の卵 (My Egg of Power... has the Kanji for Power on it.)

I'm still in the States this year, but I might as well not be. Tabitha and I are just about the only Americans left at Mizzou. The parking lots are deserted as most of the student body has headed home to be with their families for the holiday. My parents called this morning and I talked to each of them a bit, which was nice... Still, I better get used to experiencing these holidays as an exile, eh? :)

I bought some egg dye last time I was home, and so Mayumi, Mitsuki, Mimi, Tabi and I decided to dye some eggs. Mayumi bought a dozen and we accidentally cracked one, then we raided the downstairs fridge and stole four more that expired only a few weeks ago. We boiled them in two rice cookers, and it seemed to work pretty well. Laura and Elvina showed up later and each dyed an egg. Considering that it was the first time most of our group had dyed eggs, they caught on really fast and made some really cute and creative designs and colours!

Ice Skating

What an awful song:

I've had a little bit too much, much All of the people start to rush, start to rush by How does he twist the dance? Can't find a drink, oh man Where are my keys? I lost my phone, phone What's going on on the floor? I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore Keep it cool, what's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright, a-alright Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance Wish I could shut my playboy mouth, oh oh oh-oh How'd I turn my shirt inside out? Inside outright Control your poison babe, roses have thorns they say And we're all getting hosed tonight, oh oh oh-oh What's going on on the floor? I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore Keep it cool, what's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright, a-alright Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance Dance, dance, just, j-j-just When I come through on the dance floor checkin' out that catalog Can't believe my eyes, so many women without a flaw And I ain't gon' give it up, steady tryin' to pick it up like a car I'ma hit it, I'ma hit it and flex and do it until tomorr' yeah Shawty I can see that you got so much energy The way you're twirlin' up them hips 'round and 'round And now there's no reason at all why you can't leave here with me In the meantime stay and let me watch you break it down And dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance Woo! Let's go! Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic Got my blueprint, it's symphonic Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic Got my blueprint electronic Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic Got my blueprint, it's symphonic Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic Got my blueprint electronic Go! Use your muscle, carve it out, work it, hustle I got it, just stay close enough to get it Don't slow! Drive it, clean it, lights out, bleed it Spend the lasto (I got it) In your pocko (I got it) Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

Haha, nevertheless we listened to it on the way to the ice skating rink, and it rang in our heads as we went, and the feeling of it seems captured in the pictures we took.

There's a silly game we play, you know, where you lose the game if you think about the game. We all thought about the game so many times that it's inevitable that looking back at the photos we will all think of it and lose again.

Oh, the bright green idiocity.

I want to go ice skating again in a bit. This was my first time in a few years, and right as I was getting the hang of it again, my legs and ankles were sore. But it was a nice day!

Zombie Attack, and Brødrene Løvehjerte

Eventually I did go to the common room last night, and we talked mostly about what we were going to do in case of a Zombie Attack. All of them were far more knowledgeable about zombies than I was, so I mostly sat the conversation out. (For example, I didn't know that you could be zombie infected before you turned into a zombie...) We decided to see whether there was roof access, and not to take the elevator. (We live in a 9 story building, not counting the floor to the roof, on the second floor). Wouldn't be so bad, except that as we passed the elevator it opened creepily (this was like one in the morning, so there wouldn't have been much normal traffic) and we all started muffle-screaming and running. Peter and Nate ran up all 10 stories. I made it up 8 before I had to change to a walk, and Tabitha and Laura made it up 6. Then we sat up there for a few minutes. The door was locked, so we decided that we would have all died at that point. Then we went back down. Our legs were mush the whole night, even after a few more hours of sitting and doing nothing. I was too tired to do flash cards, I quickly realized, as I could no longer interpret the grammatical shorthand on them. So those went away.

I tried to start reading Brødrene Løvehjerte, but that was equally hopeless. I could read the story, but I had no desire to really learn anything from it, so I decided to leave it for another day. Then we all had a discussion based on the first chapter about what we would do if our terminally ill brother, who would die in a few weeks, was in the third floor of a burning building. I felt like an evil, evil person, because I was the only person who said that they wouldn't go back in. Honestly, though, I've never been in a situation that extreme, but when I'm in a dangerous-stressful situation, I'm actually quite rational. And considering that he was terminally ill, that he was on the third floor, and that the building had already been burning a while - I really don't think I would do it. His being on the first floor might well change that, as would his not being terminally ill... :( And to the objections of my friends, no, of course I don't want him dying that way... but I don't want to die that way just so he can live two more weeks. If it was a whole lifetime we were talking about, or I had a higher chance of success, probably I would do it.


Then there was some gossip and a lot of talk about a tv show I had never seen, so I basically tuned out of those discussions as well. Then came a discussion about the official language of the United States, and I made a self discovery - I care surprisingly little about most hot topics. Or rather, it just exhausts me to debate them, because my points of view are so complicated, and because I know that what I think matters quite little. Take abortion. I wouldn't have an abortion. If I was under 15, or I was going to die in childbirth... yeah, I might consider it. I actually don't think rape would be a consideration for me, it's more about my health and the health of the baby. But what about other people's abortions? That's mostly what we're voting about. I can't really deny it to another person based on my personal beliefs. I guess that there are extremes at which I would be rather disgusted with the person for having one, but they are probably suffering because of their choice anyway... and I'm still not sure that a law is the best way to go about preventing them. The evidence is clear that people do it anyway.

Similarily, about the official language... I just don't care. We don't have an official language now, and I think that's fine. Languages change. I still remember my mom being freaked out once, because she was worried that Spanish would become to the official language, and she wouldn't be able to talk to anyone. Mother, dear mother, let's talk basics.

1.) Spanish will not become an official language before English.
2.) Spanish will not replace English, it will in most cases merely coexist alongside it.
3.) We already have Spanish written on most products, and signs at Walmart, etc, and it hasn't killed anyone.
4.) Plenty of countries have done just fine with multiple official languages.
5.) If Spanish ever does overtake English, it will take generations and generations and generations, because even if the majority speak a new language, a 'minority' old language can still hold much higher prestige that it is considered better and more official, at least for a while.
6.) If Spanish ever does overtake English, you will be dead, and your descendants who are affected will be speaking Spanish and not care.
7.) It would be a very, very stupid move for us to get rid of English, seeing as it is increasingly the global language.
8.) At the same time, it would possibly smart for us to all have to take a Spanish course in school (think Swedish in Finland, but more practical... because Spanish is spoken in so many countries).

So seriously, guys, just relax. There's really no way for this to happen in our lifetimes and against our wills.

Like a Handprint On My Heart

At thirty degrees, it feels so nice outside. Almost balmy. The cold doesn't scape at exposed extremities immediately, and my coat is completely adequate as protection from the wind.

Laura and I went to take the last final. Other Laura joined us, and then Cornell did as well, as the lecture hall had pretty well filled up. They were both sick and making rhino-esque noises, but it's that time of year. And with that final, an end was come to the Study Abroad FIG at the University of Missouri.

But I was also thinking about Lucia. She's on her way to Chile now for the holidays. I thought about her and on my walk home alone, I didn't bother to put on my gloves, so the wind started biting at them. I pulled out the scarf Lucia made me. It still smells a little bit like her.

I thought of the wall that stands even now in the high school cafeteria, where we all made our hand prints with silver or blue paint. Brooke painted our hands, and Stephanie and Lucia and I went to make our marks side by side, and not far away from Rachel, Lisa, Wendy, Gwen, Sara, or the others. It's customary to have a quote, and our year's quote was this:

"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart."

It's something of a miracle that brings two people together at all, much less with enough force that they have the chance to become friends. And so, I'm grateful that an East Coast free spirit with a poet inside of her and a deep heart from South America were both brought to me by fate. I'm grateful.

Liisa, too, spoke of this coincidence. She didn't know, she said, whether I believed in such things as coincidences, but she was grateful for what brought us together, what prompted her, three years ago, to send a message to an elindomiel on penpal.net. She didn't know whether I believed in coincidence, and I smiled at the way the ordinary order of things was reversed. I don't myself know whether I believe in fate or in coincidence. Both seem equally impossible, and equally amazing.

I buried my face in soft Chilean wool and closed my eyes. Words came unbidden to my mind from an old poem I read once. I think of Stephanie and Lucia and Liisa and Rachel and all the others. This poem, this prayer, is a promise and a burial.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

- E. E. Cummings

An Unnecessary Case of Exclusion: The Merits of Walking Alone

The sidewalk here is, on average, wide enough for three people. So if you're walking in a group of four, the logical thing would seem to me to be to walk two by two, leaving enough room on the sidewalk so that passing people wasn't so difficult.

But for some reason my friends always walk with three in a row, taking up the whole sidewalk and leaving one rather awkwardly in front or behind. Today, leaving Geography, it was quite natural to be chatting with Laura, next to me, while the other Laura and Clint were immediately behind. But Laura slowed and shifted and I followed her, and suddenly, dropping our conversation almost mid sentence, she was walking in line with them and I was walking in the street.

I finally asked the question frequently on my mind - why not walk the more logical way? Well, Laura explained, she would be missing out on the other conversation if she did that. :S Well, that's true, and it's lovely when we can all walk in a tight group, but when it's crowded or when we're on the small sidewalk, it's just not possible. So it seems to me just to be a case of unnecessary exclusion.

When I explained this, Laura got quite defensive and said that she had to walk behind just as often as I did. But I didn't feel that that made it any better! For my part, I've usually tried to walk behind if I notice someone else doing it. I won't say I always notice, but I try to. And then Laura jumped into Clint and other Laura's conversation as quickly as she could, ignoring me.

We stopped to steal a poster off of some bulletin board. They were talking about some music that I know very little about. Then we started walking again and I was in the back, letting my thoughts wander, wanting to be back in Laws, catching only the most distracting details of the conversation in front of me.

I'm okay with being alone.

I really am.

I'd prefer to be with people, but I've spent enough of my life alone that I'm quite okay with it.

I'm not okay with dragging, hanging on, being that outcast that it's clear no one wants around. I've received mixed signals from my friends here. As long as I steer very clear of anything serious, they seem great and friendly. But anytime anything serious comes up, they avoid me like the plague. I don't even think they're being hypocritical. They're just... somehow... dodging seriousness, dodging deeper relationships. I don't feel great about it but that's the way it is.

I'm okay with being alone.

I'm not okay with walking behind. I hadn't exchanged a word with them for about two minutes. The road forked and one way, the way we never take, was blanketed in sunshine. I travel faster by myself, and being outside of the conversation, I preferred to have my thoughts to myself. I doubted anyone would notice, so I turned at the fork and walked that way alone.

After several long seconds I thought I might have heard a voice, maybe.

I didn't even really mean to make a statement. I don't want to be angry at anyone or have them angry at me.

But I'm okay with being alone.

And I'm really, really not okay with walking behind. Even if, as they claim, they all have to take turns doing it. Not when it's avoidable. I don't like the feeling. I'd rather be alone.

Thanks Guys

So today most of my American friends went out to hang out. They didn't invite me. I made it fairly obvious that I would be interested and there's no way they 'just forgot'. I had my fill of forcing my way in in middle school and I'm not planning to start that again any time soon, but what I'm wondering is... why?

In class they're very friendly. We walk together a lot, and talk. I know a lot about them. I do stuff with them. I take an interest in their hobbies. But I feel as if they don't think about me unless I walk straight into their paths, if that. So why?

It could be something that they generally don't like about me. I'm willing to admit that. But why, then, do they come find me as their second choice, and why are they more than happy to sit with me in class and talk and all that? And if I invite them to something, they often come. I tend to avoid people who bother me. :S

It's more like they like me, but they just don't see me as part of their group. Which is killing me. I have a personality where I like to be friends with lots of people in different groups. AND, I don't care much for hanging around doing very, very little and just every once in a while saying something, which is what they do a significant portion of the time that I see them. It is during these periods, I think, that they plan the things I miss out on.

And so I keep missing their events, and I'm falling further and further away from them. At first when I, for example, found out about their movie nights, I made an effort to come to one or two. But they haven't seen fit to tell me about any of them since. If I outright ask if I can do anything, they always let me, and fairly happily. But why am I so out of the loop?

I think two things.

1.) They're fairly exclusive. One actually said that he had found a small group of friends and was happy with that and not planning to expand it. Um... yeah, kind of conflicts radically with my view of friends. I continue interacting with people, because you never know when a cool friendship might come up. But it's not just that, because this one guy who hangs out with a lot of other people is usually included.

2.) Again, this sitting around and doing nothing. I really can't stand it. The only situation where it's even remotely bearable is if I'm studying\reading while they do that, and then I'm left out of it partly anyway, and to be honest I'd rather be in my room. See, I like to have some alone time. And when I'm with friends, I prefer it to be slightly more high intensity. Interesting conversations, etc. And by interesting conversations I don't mean making sexual jokes (unless they're actually being clever, see, being sexual does not automatically make things funny, let's grow up, kids) or planning to get drunk.


Given these two things, and their behaviour, (I'm trying really hard not to be bitter despite remembering that most of the times they invite me (not all, but most) it's as a second choice or something. Like hey, I'm going to the rec center and want company. And the fact that half the time they call\text\see me it's wanting something.), I don't think any of them are really best friend material for me. Friend material, though, should be possible. Because I do like them and I think we get along well. We laugh and have fun walking around and going to classes.

Linh told me that college friends are different from high school friends. You're not supposed to be able to count on them... just hang out with them. I'd honestly rather not have friends if that's the case. :( If that makes me not fun, then so be it. And I miss Stephanie and Lucía and even Liisa, short as was our physical time together. I trust them all and feel like I can totally be myself around them. And like they feel the same way with me.

I know I have to give things time, but why does it seem to be moving faster for everyone else? And I'm just trying to be nice. ;_; I don't know what I'm doing so wrong. Another interesting thing is that I'm getting along quite well with a large number of the foreign students. Such as my roommate, Mayumi, and Jorge. :D But they're only here for a year, so I need to branch out beyond them as well.

Let's say it's just this group. (...) You don't meet people in classes... they're too big. I've met a few people I'm friendly with and partner with in my two smallest classes, but we're light years away from hanging out outside of class.

Clubs? I looked for culture clubs, language clubs, or outdoorsy clubs. None, really. And religious clubs, to be honest, make me a bit uncomfortable... religion is an intensely private thing for me, and I feel strange when my beliefs don't precisely correspond with a given doctrine.

I HAVE gotten involved with student government, which I'm sure will look good on resumes and all that. But you don't meet friends there either... it's all work so far. :S And I'm trying to get involved with a mentoring program. But there we're talking about little kids, so however good it will make me feel, it's not really a friend making opportunity. And with those two things I'm actually running out of abundant free time to try to join a social type club.

Bah humbug. How can I be failing when there are so many interesting people?

Sweatshirts and Tall, Tall Peter

Today the school was flooded with Mizzou Sweatshirts. Laura was briefly surprised that she, Peter, and I were all matching, but all things* considered, it's almost expected.

* Whereas, the weather today is quite chilly, enough that the most comfortable clothing choice for most is a sweatshirt.

Whereas, sweatshirts are bulky and most students do not have an extensive wardrobe of them.

Whereas, it's considered in good taste to advertise your school spirit, even within said school, by wearing clothing branded with the name of your university.


Laura and I were joking about Peter and how tall he is. He's significantly over 6 foot, dunno the exact figure. Anyway, Laura and I are both five foot even, and we hardly notice it talking to him. I mean, everyone is taller than us, so we almost don't notice when someone is significantly taller or just quite a bit taller. But when we see ourselves in reflections walking next to him, we realize how silly it looks. And of our main friend group, all of us except for Peter are shorter than average.

And Peter always marches straight ahead. Quickly although it isn't quick for him, with his long legs and his calves easily 6 or 7 times the width of our bedposts. So he quickly leaves Laura and I behind. We see Jorge walking past Brady Commons. I smile. And then it turns to laughter as he runs into Peter and the two of them stand and talk... and we realize that Peter turns even normal sized people into children.

If only he didn't labour under the delusion that his height, encyclopedic knowledge of the news (going back about 300 years), and guns make him a superior human being. Of the three, I actually admire the second. But it's also the one he's the most annoying about rubbing in everyone's faces.

Oh Peter... :P

Closer

The Rennaissance Faire is this weekend. I'm excited about going. It will be Tabitha, Laura, and I along with Nikola, Clint, and Jorge. The girls are lucky because we can stay at Laura's mom's house for free. The boys will stay in a nearby hotel - they were welcome to pitch a tent in the backyard, but we don't really have a tent, and besides, the nights are getting colder.

But I find... the bite in the autumn air is really quite pleasant. And actually I very much enjoyed our short walk.

I felt his cheek against my ear, and his lips brush my temple. Would you believe how close that is for me? Don't think poorly of me. Actually I'm moving rather fast, and I want to move a little closer. It's just a greater distance for me...

I'm nervous but happy, too. :) Let's wait and see...

Tashlikh

Yesterday I went with Laura and Clint down to peace park. Laura brought two slices of white bread, and Clint brought one of those eternally stale 'foccaccia' monstrosities. All of this bread, was of course, stolen from Dobbs.

Laura and I arrived first and we went the length of the little stream. Laura was quite critical of it, and there was some truth to her assessment of the stream as a sewer. We could, after all, make out a red bull can and some other garbage at the bottom, and in most places it was so still and shallow that you could almost walk across with shoes on and not get your feet wet.

Still, the weather was a perfect crisp autumn with blue sky and golden sunlight filtering through the trees which have just begun to change colour. We sat and talked about love, of all things. And then Clint came and we found a deeper spot near the bridge and threw in our bread, a few crumbs at a time, saying...

Pride, Arrogance, Greed, Pettiness...

And perhaps thinking other darker things that we did not say out loud.

For a few minutes it was very peaceful. And then there was the dog.

A huge yellow lab came bounding over and started eating all the bread we had on us, catching it in the air, and then, as his owners came bounding over calling his name, he waded into the water itself and ate the bread we had tossed there. The tranquility was a bit disturbed, but we all laughed until the wet dog came bounding towards us. Laura threw her last piece of bread in a tree after the dog had gone. Later it came back for that piece as well.

What does this mean for the forgiveness of our sins, is what I'd like to know. Clint and I decided that, to be sure, we would fast with Laura next week. :) That's not going to be easy for me. But I figure that I should fast once in my life, at least.

First Leaves Falling

It's still hot. It's really still too hot for such things as falling leaves and talk of homecoming. But here we are. Before the Geography exam Clint and I ran after Peter joking about the Blow and Suck Theory (Oh, that dirty Geography professor!) and I felt the leaves crush under my feet, and the warm wind against my arms. Ah, Vertigo...

The season is turning and it feels strange.

A Lively Debate with Peter

Peter: Sowna? Sowna?

Miranda: Yes. Sauna.

Peter: Don’t you mean Sawna?

Miranda: Okay, learn some Finnish before you start correcting my pronunciation, please.

Peter: Alright, I’ll learn Finnish as long as you learn all the Afrikaans loanwords. How do you pronounce the name of the famous system of racial segregation that was used in South Africa from 1948 until the mid nineties?

Miranda: I don’t speak Afrikaans

Peter: Well, I don’t speak Finnish

Laura: He has a point

Miranda: Not so, given the fact that I am not challenging his pronunciation, but rather he is challenging mine, when in fact the Oxford English Dictionary lists both pronunciations as correct, and I have a good reason to stick to mine as I prefer the original pronunciation of the people who invented the custom.

Tom: The Oxford English Dictionary does not qualify as an acceptable reference in Texas

Miranda: Unfortunately for Peter, his presence here does not make this Texas.

Peter: So? I could call the Texas State Rangers right now and they would drive up and shoot all of you.

Miranda: …. Okay! Well, Tabitha, please knock on my door before you go to the rec center. :D

Lovely Saturday

I had work off because we were to stay at the lake, but instead we came home early Saturday morning and I spent all day online, chatting with old friends. I had more windows up on messenger than I have for years. At one point it even became too much... I was talking to Alberto (Spanish), Svein (English), and Caroline (Norwegian) actively, and Lucía (Spanish-English) passively, when Stian (English w/ some Norwegian) and Isa (Spanish) came on. Ahh! :P

I chatted a bit with Lucía and caught up with Isa. I met my new friend Alberto... he goes to my school, needs help with his English, and doesn't have many friends, so Lucía and I have volunteered. :D I talked to Caroline for the first time in a while... she probably would have forgotten who I was if I hadn't been that weird American who could speak a small bit of norsk. We only spoke in Norwegian, so that was good practice.

I talked to Jashen at one point too... he's so fun. ^^ And huggy, as I believe he said himself. Apparently he's got a huge blog post brewing that I'll need to check out this week.

Svein and I chatted for a good while. I missed Evan... it's so fun with the three of us. He was gone all day, probably for that UN thing or his class trip, can't remember, I'm awful. :D Anyhow, Svein and I played pronunciation practice once I got my microphone working. (Turns out it was a driver problem... :D) Apparently I was saying Svein too much like Swine... there's less juncture between the S and the V than I anticipated. Fixed that and had him throw correct pronunciation of Lene and Stian into the bargain.

So, when Stian and I finally got the MSN thing right, I was actually able to say his name right for the first time. Then the two of us talked for several hours.

Amazing that it could have been good for my mental sanity - since the break up, it's usually stressful and awkward to talk to him. Instead, for the most part, it felt good.

We spent the time mostly just catching up, of course. Amazing how so many things change while so many things stay the same. I was surprised to see how much both of us had grown up and changed, especially physically. For some reason I wasn't expecting that. And it was nice to hear that I wasn't the only one who had ever harboured any regrets about the way things turned out, even if we're both content now.

I said Good Night, and he told me he hoped I had terrible nightmares. I didn't... I slept better than I have in months. Pleasant day, really needed it. :D

Fall Break

I'm sort of fed up with America not having a fall break, except for like two days for Thanksgiving, so I decided to take my own in the form of a five day weekend. We had Friday off, and I'm going to an out of town concert on Monday night, so I won't be back in school until Wednesday. Yay! :D

I have a lot of makeup work, but it's SO worth it.

Friday was great, in the morning we had a birthday party for Lucia... really small but happy. Sara and Claudia and Lisa and I went and kidnapped her from her house... I don't think they do that in Chile or Brazil, she was kind of surprised. Best part was her talking to her mom in Spanish...

"Don't worry about me, I'll come back..." And I was like...

"Di Adios a Lucia! No vas a verla otra vez!" :D

Then we went to IHOP and ate... I tried pumpkin pancakes with Boysenberry syrup... yummy... :D For some reason we had major accounting issues, though, trying to split the bill four ways so Lucia wouldn't have to pay... and working out the tip... everyone felt like they paid twice their bill, kind of funny, but no one really cared. We're finally getting to that age where, while a few dollars might still matter to us, they don't matter enough to make any sort of deal about it.

Aww, it was so cute.

In the evening Melissa and I went to see the Elizabeth movie. It was pretty good, focused on the Pirate romance but the war in Spain for some reason drew some attention as well. :P The movie was harshly reviewed but it wasn't horrible - not amazing but not horrible. The architecture and costumes were gorgeous, and I loved understanding the Spanish and, to an extent, the German.

Then of course I worked on Saturday and couldn't go to church when I got home because Tidbit was freaking out from being alone all day and I didn't feel I could leave her. Then today I slept in, hung out with Lucia awhile to get a head start on my Neruda project (I swear, I want to die... I chose an English project which requires I translate lots and lots of complicated literary Spanish...), and then I've been trying to do my housework and break up my homework in an easy to travel way.

This is good for my mental health. ^^

Oh, and I had a lovely time talking with Evan and Svein in Norwegian... I think I did okay, I mean, they were always correcting me, but Evan even made a few mistakes... and besides, I was proud to be able to communicate. I also made my first two posts on diskusjon.no, although the first doesn't really count, but it made me feel more confident. Yay! :D