Jo'Shawn

I'm finished with Big Brothers Big Sisters. It happened like this...

Last Wednesday I went to Elementary School A at the usual time and went to the office to sign in. There was a lady in there speaking with the secretary and I didn't pay much attention until I heard a name - Jo'Shawn. How many kids can there be in that school named Jo'Shawn? How many kids can there be in the world named Jo'Shawn?

Jo'Shawn is my 'little'. I sort of lingered, wanting to know what they were talking about, thinking, "It's probably none of my business, but..." I became aware of their being aware that I was lingering, so I left. I went through the little school that's sort of split level, sort of strange, that seemed so complicated and foreign those first few weeks, but lately I've felt almost like I have a right to be there. Up the stairs.

I was almost to the classroom when I heard 'Jo'shawn' again, from a little girl just outside. She was writing a letter with big loopy second grader handwriting. She was with an attendant and the attendant asked, "Who's Jo'Shawn?" "He's that kid who's always being silly!" said the girl. I stopped, looked at her letter briefly and saw that it was addressed to Jo'Shawn. The girl turned and recognized me, I don't know how...

"Oh!" she said cheerfully. "Jo'Shawn moved!"

...

... Thanks for the notice?

I went in to talk to his teacher. Apparently she didn't know either - she had been out on Tuesday and surprise! That was his last day. And all those unfinished assignments would remain unfinished, and Jo'Shawn's desk would be cleared out abruptly and... Confusion, surprise, must have been evident on my face.

"It happens a lot here." The teacher said.

I returned to the office. The lady from earlier was still there, talking with the secretary. I returned my nametag and said, "Well, I guess I'm not coming anymore. My little was Jo'Shawn."

That excited them. They said that they were trying to get 'mobility' for him, since he had only moved within town and might be able to get transportation to continue going to Elementary School A. Either way, they said, they hoped I would continue to be his Big Sister, because evidentally he liked me a lot. They gave me directions to his new school, Elementary School B. It was a couple miles away, through unknown downtown areas I wouldn't want to be at night, but it was daytime, a nice day, and I had a reason to go there, so it wasn't too bad.

I found some strange modern art. I saw Columbia College. I passed beggers who... begged... and I'm so not used to that... I shrank several inches and wanted a dollar or two to magically go from my pocket to theirs but I was too nervous and unaccustomed to approach and do it myself and I don't think the magic worked. I want to at least smile at them - I don't hate them - but if you look their way they say it - "spare any change?" It's wicked of me but I can't help but think in a corner of my mind that 'spar' is Norwegian for save... I know enough about the varied circumstances that lead people to this that I hold off the rest of my mind from judging them, but... there is this uncomfortable tickle and on the way back I take another street, closer to construction and further from uncomfortableness.

Finally, as I was about to turn back, I saw 'children crossing' signs and knew I was just around the corner. I thought, "If Jo'Shawn moved, he'll want to see me." The thought made me smile. I hoped the transition wasnt hard on him. I went in and the people there were much less friendly than at Elementary School A. But eventually they told me that his first day was tomorrow, he wasn't there yet. I left and the way back was longer.

This Wednesday I called Elementary School A to check on mobility and whether that had worked out. It hadn't. The weather wasn't as nice but I walked all the way to Elementary School B, and waited twenty minutes to meet his teacher, and that settled things. Elementary School B only allows Big Sisters to meet with students during lunchtime. I have classes then.

After all of that - a dead end.

I cry to easily. I started to cry. I wasn't weeping, but there were tears in my eyes and my voice changed and I hated it and willed it away and they looked at me strangely. I had to say something and I said,

"I'm sorry, I've just walked a long way."

I asked if I could see him today. They said I could in a few hours (when school was out?).

"I mean, just for a few minutes... to say goodbye... because I guess I won't see him again."

That could be arranged. The short walk upstairs I tried to cut my crying out completely. I almost succeeded. Jo'Shawn was happy to see me. He gave me a tackle hug which almost made me cry again. He said, "I thought you wouldn't come!" We stood out in the hallway and I asked him about his new school but then I said "Listen, I can't come anymore because I have class during your lunch. Okay? I'll try to come next year, okay? :)" The broken smile.

He'd asked for Origami paper for weeks, and I'd kept it with me for if he finished all of his schoolwork. He never did! Got close sometimes, but I kept all the pretty paper in my Spanish book. And I had it with me. So I took it out and gave it to him then.

I wish we could have had a real last week and played a game and been happy about it, but it was so sudden and abrupt and strange. And I feel like I'm abandoning him when he changes schools, the hardest time to be abandoned. But what could I do? We hugged again, he had to go back to class, watching some movie... I went out a side door because I didn't want to see the office people again.

I walked home. It was a long walk.