Changes

I cut my hair. I love long hair but I cut mine. I wanted to be beautiful, mysterious, Elven, something like that. But wearing my hair long didn't change the rest of me into someone long hair looks good on. It's time to get real. And while I'm at it, make some compromises. There is a time for choosing between two extremes, and a time for making a middle road, and I am not an archetype, but rather my own only shot at happiness.

My hair is much shorter now. The ends are soft and renewed. The cut frames my face and brings light to my smile, adds an inch to my height. Alone after a bath, I hardly recognize myself in the mirror. I feel sexy, powerful. Does that seem strange? It does to me.

But listen, it's time to get real. I paint and powder my face, run a black pencil underneath my eyes. Not a lot. I'm getting better at shopping, too. I wear a cute top and a little skirt. Maybe even heels. I look, I feel like a little doll. It's not entirely positive. I prefer the natural light and my own living skin, and anyway we short people don't feel nearly as short without all these things made for ordinary people - clothes, for example.

You know, when I am by myself, I feel normal. The only natural size. I hug my knees to my chest and feel warm and whole and complete. I can't imagine another foot, even another inch, just as you probably can't imagine a third leg or wings shooting from your back. Dressing up in the little skirts I feel consigned to a role, presented, a curiosity, cute as a botton, a little doll. I blame no one, and everyone, for this. I'm frightened, conflicted.

I have always rebelled, either with apathy for the process or by rejecting reality. It's not fair. It's superficial, all surface. It's reality. It does no good to pretend. Sometimes we play roles.

They called me brave last summer. Rohkea. But that sort of bravery is my element. The trip was pure self indulgence. This summer it is different. I am going beyond my comfort zone. Not only that, but I am going to try to bend with it. I am more than a little bit frightened. In the midst of profound changes, I am venturing into a culture that is the opposite of my old self. The culture of Tatemae and Honne.

Am I over-thinking, seeing faces in the branches of trees? Does it seem to no one else that things were meant to fall this way? I am more than a little bit frightened. It's time to get real, learn a lesson all the others learned long ago - to wear a mask without losing myself.