It.

Okay, so, now I'm going to write about it.

Over the break I got half hearted responses, and I felt the N part of my personality respond to it. But after all, it was online, I told myself I couldn't trust such things. (As I did with Stian and with Layla... :P)

Monday was sort of the same, but in real life, and with new excuses like being busy and being confused. But I thought of other things, and it was okay.

Tuesday was more of the same, so I started getting a bit annoyed, though I had effectively repressed any real suspicions. Instead I went for a long, long walk which was amazing. I went to a meeting about being a PA for next year, and on the way home I was captivated by the beauty of Stankowksi Field. The branches of the trees were all glimmering. The light pollution was such that not a single star could be seen, but instead the inky deep black-blue of the sky was like velvet, and the huge spotlights over the field looked as if they had been set into this sky like so many moons. In addition, I had my iPod, and I felt very moved and affected by music just then, so I felt sad when I came to the end of the field, and decided to go around again.

And again, and again. It was cold out, with the season's first measurably snowfall dusting everything in sight, but there was no ice on the streets. There weren't so many people out that it was noisy or chaotic, but enough that I felt safe wandering alone after dark. And I went again and again and felt warmer and warmer, so that I kept taking off layers, until finally I was walking in just a t-shirt, and feeling so strong and confidant, like I was glowing - amazed by the beauty and power of the music and the nature/human landscape around me.

I was so relaxed that I fell into that surreal state of understanding. Don't misunderstand, it was nothing mystical. I didn't suddenly understand all tongues, or even know any words that had never been exposed to. But everything I did know about the languages I was listening to on my iPod (even things I was barely aware that I knew, that I had perhaps seen in a movie or something similar) came together in an almost magical way. Spanish I understood, but that's getting to be fairly common. The first unusual one was Italian, which leapt the gap between Spanish and itself to where I understood it just as well. Then Norwegian and German came to me at close to 95%, making huge leaps to figure out words I normally couldn't decipher at such speeds. Finnish and Japanese offered up a lot more than usual, almost a word per sentence. Then, Russian... I understood a word of Russian, despite only actively knowing 3 words (Hello, Goodbye, Thank You), and having had very limited exposure to it (two or three episodes of a mini series on Youtube, people chattering some in my dorm). Still, one phrase was repeated in the mini series, in isolation, with subtitles. And this word was in the song, and jumped out at me BLAZING.

Two phenomenon that I sometimes experience with languages indicate very different things about the state of my mind. If I am mixing languages together in my mind, it means I am stressed or distressed. :P Similar, if you think about it that way. On the other hand, when they present themselves to me in such clarity, I am in such a clear, calm, contented mood. Not to say joyful, just calm and content, letting things come into my mind without a lot of emotional thought to interrupt it. I think it's where you're supposed to get with meditation, but I wouldn't know. A man asked me if I was cold. I just laughed. I felt above cold or heat.

But when I got back to the dorm room, I realized that my arms were pretty well frozen, and they burned as the feeling came back into them. Smart...

Wednesday. Things came to a head. Wednesday is when Jorge and I go to Noodles. I texted him to ask him if he was coming, since he had been so busy lately. I got no answer, but then he came and seemed surprised that I was there (must not have had his phone with him). We ate together, but conversation was kind of subdued. I wanted to talk to him about the night before, or Thanksgiving, or what was bothering him, but there was something invisible between us. Afterwards I made as if to kiss him and he kissed me on the forehead. I felt very troubled, but I made one last attempt to externalize, since I internalize too much, and thought, well, what do I know of how Jorge handles stress? Or how much stress these last weeks are for international students?

But later that day in the dorm, we almost avoided each other. At one point we caught each other's eyes and a solemn look went between us. I gave him the shadow of a smile, which he returned. Once he came in and said something, that he was going to go do something, and I said, "What's troubling you, it's not only stress, is it?" But he dodged the question. Then I cooked Matzo Ball Soup and Beef and Broccoli and Fried Rice with Laura and Justin. I only mentioned that I was a bit unhappy because Jorge was troubled and wouldn't tell me what was happening. But I didn't mention that I had suspicions, because I was once again trying to discredit my intuition.

Then that night he came and he took a deep interest in some nonsense on my computer screen. I tried to be friendly and he sort of dodged that as he had dodged the question earlier. Then I said, "Well, are you going to tell me what's bothering you now?" He sighed. I knew that sigh. And then all of that. Well, he was as good about it as he could be (in the situation, and being male... a female could have handled it a bit better, of course. :P Or a lot worse!). And given his situation, it was the right thing to do. I would have done the same thing, and there was no good way for me to blame him for it.

But I was sad for me, and I cried and carried on for a little while, all sadness, no anger... which in a way is frustrating, because after all... why can't I ever have one of these normal break ups with a fight or something like that? :P What bothered me more than anything were the parallels that my mind constructed, quick as lightening, between these circumstances and the last, and those before that... In short order I decided that this was my curse, to always be a good friend but fail as romantic object... bah. Of course, in each case there was more at work...

I needed to talk to someone. No one was on. I called Lucia and her phone was turned off. A knock at the door, and I swear I heard Jorge's voice saying, "It's me". I swear. But it was Mayumi, who was kind and apologized for her bad English making it impossible to comfort me, and ordered me to bed. It was about 2 in the morning. I went to bed.

I woke up not feeling too well. I didn't think I could eat. I planned on going to class, because it was the class that matters most right now, but I checked my mail and saw that it was -9 celsius, and I knew I couldn't face both - weather and feelings, so I called Lucia instead and talked to her for some hours. She was as good as she could be, having not had any similar situations. That was the last time I cried. When she had to go to class, I got online and there was only Uni, who is a very nice guy, but doesn't know that much about my personal life, and anyways isn't the sort of friend that I should fall to crying. :P And I thought - I need someone who knows me, who I can talk to...

Who signs on but Stian himself. And I thought, "Ah, what a perverse way to answer my thought, I need anyone but him to admit to my failures (I was thinking weird then) to." So I didn't try to talk to him. But, guided by that strange force that has often compelled us to contact each other at strangely appropriate times, he messaged me. And I thought, "Alright, I'll talk to him to get my mind off of this, but I won't bring it up, because he started a relationship the same time I did (this was the last time we talked), and his is most likely going swimmingly." So I avoided the subjeect. But, guided by that strange force that has sometimes led me to believe in some sort of mind-reading ability, he volunteered the truth of his own romantic endeavors - utter failures, each and every one of them. So before long, I was telling him everything.

Isn't it funny... that when Stian broke up with me, I sought comfort in Austin, and when Jorge breaks up with me, I seek comfort in Stian? Oh dear, what's next? But Stian was surprisingly good about it. :) I was feeling pretty good and thinking about other things around 1, although I still wasn't hungry. But now I had to go to classes and some other commitments, so I prepared to leave. But suddenly I felt frightened, like I had somehow dissipated the bad energy in my dorm room, but more of it awaited me out in the cold. Stian told me to be brave, so I tied up my hair and went out into the world. The sky was a brilliant winter blue, and the cold positively embraced me, showering the negative images of kisses all over my exposed neck and ears. I walked and as I walked this path that Jorge and I walked together so many times, tears threatened to spill again. I thanked the cold for freezing them on my eyelids.

Psychology was easy. I was surrounded by other people and no memories, and I felt back to normal. This, in and of itself, was a good sign. Some hours after Stian broke up with me, I had gone to a Birthday Party and felt nothing but sick self-loathing and utter despair. This time around, the slight warmth of a classroom was enough to make me feel better.

Then I had a study downtown. I went past the park and passed some very familiar rocks and a very familiar bench. The river was frozen and everything was blanketed in snow, the seeming symbolism of which you know my personality type rolled in like Tootsie would roll in rotting animals.

I was struck by how different my answers were on the two tests I had to take that day from the answers I gave on those I took earlier in the week. Notably, I rated myself much weaker on my feelings of strength and conviction that my life would turn out well. A medium internal voice said, "See how you are weakened by this! Your life is not so lovely as you imagined, you silly , at turns optimistic one." A strong internal voice said, "Bah, don't sink into this self-pity, what are you, one of those girls who allows themselves to be defined by a relationship? Don't you remember that in order to find intimacy, you must accept yourself without it!?" And then the smallest voice said, "Ah, cut yourself some slack, you were broken up with last night, no one expects you to spring back like fresh elastic." So I also checked the box for schizophrenia. ;) Jk, jk

All in all, I felt o.k. Back in the dorm room I felt even better. Then came dinner. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I still had no appetite, but I knew that I should eat something, and Dobbs actually had a Wok (very uncommon), so that was something I couldn't pass up. But when I was standing in line, I suddenly felt so weak that I feared I would collapse. I hardly spoke at dinner, and my stomach turned more when I saw Jorge. (Btw, my physical response to heartache is nausea) I left before he came to the table, because I didn't want to make it awkward for either one of us.

I felt bad in my dorm room. I resolved to go to bed early. I tried to amuse myself with video games. They work great for stress, but they made my bad feelings worse. I was painfully aware that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about this. The situation was making me painfully obvious that I didn't have any great friends here, and that my best friend here had been Jorge, and after him there wasn't anyone who would make me feel better just to have them near me. That was a clue, but I didn't think about it until later.

I went to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night in stress, like I used to junior year. I was shocked that it was still so dark, and then Mayumi was gone... I realized that it was only one in the morning, that she would still be in the common room. I went back to sleep and slept until morning, which came too early. It was Friday and I had plans, actually a lot of them, which was a comfort to me, but anyways I was feeling better. I began to think logically and constructively about how I could go about expanding my social network. And I didn't see Jorge all day.

I did go talk to Laura, who was great. I still wouldn't have felt totally going to her when I was still all weepy-eyed about the situation, but a few days later, more removed, she was fine to talk to. :) (Laura +8 trust rating)

At lunch I had plans to meet with a girl named Kanchana. I was nervous about this for a number of reasons. For one, we had met for less than a minute at a party (I was actually a bit surprised that she had managed to find my on facebook), and I knew nothing about her. For another, I still felt a little subdued, and she was bringing her boyfriend. AND, when we made plans a week ago, I had suggested going to Addisons (some of the best food in Columbia). But the last time (only time) I had been to Addisons was when Jorge met my family.

But lunch actually went very well. Kanchana and her boyfriend are really nice. They are engineering majors, and graduate students, so on the surface we have little in common. But Kanchana is going to teach me Thai cooking, and they might teach me a little bit of Thai too. :D Our personalities are compatible, and I think we'll have some fun together. And the food was so good at Addisons that I actually felt like eating it. :D

I got back and realized that I wanted to talk to Jorge about all of that. Small wave of sadness, and another clue. Tom was trying to open a coconut. I helped. I was so grateful for something to do, and it was actually fun. Lunch had been fine, but I found myself laughing at our coconut saga, which spanned some hours as we punched holes in it, drained the liquid, which we drank even though it was nasty and Prompong later told us that it was old and bad XD, slowly sliced it open with a knife so that we could make a coconut bra out of it, and then scraped the insides out, which was very difficult. Finally, we put this in the food processor until it was pretty finely ground, then soaked it in hot water, and strained/milked it out of an old t-shirt until we had... coconut milk. We're halfway to making coconut cream, woohoo! I was laughing and it wasn't forced, but I was still very conscious of it. I heard it echoing in the halls and I wondered if Jorge heard it and I wondered how I felt about that.

We went out for Tabi's birthday, even though I was full, already had leftovers, and had extra meal points. I was also not thrilled that it was at a steakhouse, since I hate steak. But it turns out that they have a lot of other good food, too! :D I spent a lot of money, but I decided that I deserved it, as a final bit of self-pitying. And Tabi, I sensed, was truly glad that I had come. Unlike that birthday party (now... how many years ago? Ah, but the parallels keep mounting! :P) I managed to be festive and not think about the situation at all. I only brought it up once, indirectly, as Tabitha said she wanted a boyfriend for her boyfriend, I muttered under my breath that I wouldn't mind one either, perhaps for Christmas, and Laura chimed in to reiterate that, and add, "preferably Scandinavian!" Which was funny and made everyone laugh, but got me a few odd glances, because other than Laura, and Tabi if Laura had told her, no one knew about Jorge and I yet. Then came the revenge of the coconut, as both Tom and I had to make emergency bathroom trips. Luckily, that illness went away as quickly as it had come. :P

We went to the movie store and rented The Pebble and the Penguin, because Tabi had brought it up in the car and I had added to her enthusiasm for it. We watched it in Laura's room even though Tom was asleep by the end. I went to bed feeling pretty good, feeling a strange urge to research personality types, and by morning, the way was clear to me.

I realized a number of things, possibly while dreaming. :P (Though they had been floating around in my mind for a few days) Chief among them were the following:

1.) That not only did I abstractly recognize that Jorge was doing what he had to do, and what was the right thing to do, it came home to me as I realized that it was not SO different from my situation, and how easily I might do the same thing. Then I thought about how I would feel, and how he probably felt, and some things that he had said on Wednesday that I had kind of ignored before.

2.) That we were living in the same building, with the same friend group, and that things had the potential to get really awkward, which would be sad as there was no mal-intent involved.

3.) That Jorge knew me better than anyone else in college knew me, and that he had more in common with me than anyone else in the dorm.

4.) Almost all the things that Jorge and I did, that I missed, were things that friends can do (although probably not with such a great frequency, which maybe isn't an entirely negative thing, either.)

5.) That while I wasn't sexually repulsed from Jorge at all (which is unusual for me, normally I am... I have to find someone attractive AND trustworthy before I have any feeling towards them sexually other than Eww... and deep discomfort), I wasn't STRONGLY sexually attracted to him, either. I already knew that I wasn't in love with him, as I had been with Stian, but I also knew that my feelings for Jorge had grown since we started dating, and I hadn't thought too hard about the direction, but there it was. We just didn't have very much of that kind of chemistry.

I knew I had to talk to him, and that I had to talk to him before Winter Break, because Breaks are bad, bad things for any kind of a relationship that's in a state of change. I just didn't know when, and I wasn't exactly sure of what I would say. I went to lunch with Mayumi, who basically dragged me out of bed. ;) Then we went back to the room and I surfed online, mostly more about personality types, and Mayumi went back to sleep. Tom rescued me by having me help with pomegranate tarts. We had a lot of fun with that, and we talked. I found it surprisingly easy to talk with Tom, possibly because I know that he has such a solid (if unconventional) relationship with his girlfriend, and he has such a calm manner about him. And sometimes guys are the best people to talk to about this stuff, if it's not awkward.

I didn't know when I was going to talk to Jorge. I went upstairs and I found that I couldn't look at him. I didn't know if it would be that way always, or if it would go away if I could actually talk to him first, so that we would be on the same page. I hoped it was the latter, because all evening, if I was in the lounge, it seemed as though he would leave, and I know I would leave if he was there, unless we both had a good reason to be there, in which case I felt worse and worse, couldn't look his direction, and felt very distant from everything.

So I went in there and he took his computer and went upstairs. I went to my room and facebooked him asking if he was in his room, and if I could come speak to him. He said yes, hesitantly, but added that his roommate was there. I said that was okay, I wasn't going to make a scene. He responded that of course I could come.

I went and I was happy to find that I was quite calm and could look at him. ;) We sat on his bed and I told him that regardless of how I had responded at first, well, I understood him so well that I could harbour no anger or even regrets, and that the most important thing for me was to remain friends, not as a general idea, but in practice, because I felt closer to him than other people here, and that I didn't know how he felt about it or whether he felt that he could be friends with me, but that was what I wanted. And he agreed. :D So I was happy. I really was quite happy and relieved, about 90% so, which meant as I had suspected since this morning that most of my feelings for Jorge were like most his feelings for me, those you have for a good friend.

All in all I feel that the situation was unfortunate, but it is what it is, that we handled it in a mature way, and that things will move on. This will throw a bit of awkwardness in, but it is my hope that this will be minimized.

Well, that's that.