From the Facebook Group.
Preacher: You don't believe in God.
Guy: Oh really? You know me well enough to make that assessment?
Preacher: Of course, I know everything about you.
Guy: Then please, tell me my parent's names, where I'm from, my birthday.
Preacher: Hold on. (Starts staring off to the sky)
Guy: (After about 15 seconds) Exactly, you don't have a fucking clue.
Preacher: Hold on, I'm getting it from God now. Your father's name is... Beelzebub. Your mother's name... Jezebel.
Daughter: I feel like such a whore because he cheated on his girlfriend with me
Mom: well it's not cheating if you just kiss so you're fine
Daughter: No mom we dont just kiss, we have dirty sex and now i am a whore
Mom: (gives daughter a hug) you are not a whore baby and im always proud of you
A random girl talking on her cell phone:
Girl: "I'm flying all the way over there to have sex with him."
*pause*
"I think it's called Greenland or Iceland. Something to do with land in the name."
Girl to employee: "I want to be like a devil for Halloween, do you have any of those?"
Girl's friend: "Why are you getting all excited about this, it's only for one night. You act like you're going to a birthday party or something."
Guy: "Dude, my biggest fear is that I'm gonna be so high at the polls tomorrow that I accidentally vote for McCain!"
A girl in a nutrition class.... "..How did you know I wasn't wearing underwear? Everytime I come into this class you two always judge me!!"
Two girls down the hall:
Girl 1: Is he gay?
Girl 2: Yeah, he's gay.
Girl 1: Well he touch me in a lot of places that were NOT gay.
Lady in Memorial: "I need a new ringtone. Mine is currently set to migrating whales, but it's so low-pitched I can hardly hear it."
Girl in Eva J's, "At least she talk proper."
My friend responds under his breath, "But you don't."
Said by the same person who was serious:
1) "Hey guys, this is the best age of our lives. It's even in the word....Call Age.(college)"
2) "I traveled the world this summer, man, I traveled the world."
Me: "Where did you go?"
after much prying, "Colorado and Chicago"
3) "How much credit card debt do you have?
Me: "I don't have a credit card."
"You're loaded, man, you never told me you were loaded."
I had no words
4) "See, if we go into a depression, then you only have the cash you have in your hand, and I can get thirty thousand dollars through my credit cards and banks."
Me: "If we are in a depression, the banks and credit card companies probably won't have any money to give you and you would be left with.....the money in your hand."
5) "What are you up to?"
Me: "I'm working alot."
"Your company is loaded, man."
Me: "I don't work for a company, I word at a lab on campus."
after thinking for a second, "I meant like when your mom says, 'We're having company over for dinner'"
At the parade Saturday morning. Said in complete seriousness.
Girl 1: What are you doing?
Girl 2: I'm in the parade!
Girl 1: I didn't know you were in the parade!
Girl 2: Yeah, I'm in the parade!
(girl on the phone w her mom)
"mom I'm not going to be like you and use a guy as a tool to just pump out babies"
"Hey, look over there, it looks like the Magic Kingdom!"
Someone's dad said that while pointing to Memorial Union while walking near Brady Commons.
Girl in class, doodling corndogs on her paper:
"Wouldn't it be awesome if you could eat whatever you draw?"
In an econ class the professor is gone for a week to a conference in Zurich and the following conversation took place:
Girl 1: Where's Zurich? Is that in Missouri?
Girl 2: Um no...it's in Switzerland.
About 30 seconds later...
Girl 1: Shit, you know someone probably heard this and is going to put it on Overheard at Mizzou
In Brady Commons:
Sorority 1:and then we saw some flowers and everyone was like gross.
Sorority2: Flowers aren't gross.
Sorority1: but these ones were like carnivirous
"And then I was like 'Justin, dude. Put DOWN the saltshaker and get the fork out of your ass.'"
Man in speaker's circle today:
"I've had sex between 1000 and 1500 times with the same woman, and NO STDs!"
In class, "Yeah I gave blood yesterday and I don't have any red blood cells left, but it was worth it cause I saved three people." responded by "Oh really, who did you save?"
guy:" yeah so that's how my grandpa got herpes"
other people at the table: "oh, man, oh wow, aw man.." lol
In Bengal Lair:
Girl 1: "I'm gonna dye my hair a primary color for Halloween!"
Girl 2: "Ooh! What color?!"
Girl 1: "Pink! Or Brown!"
Girl: Shoot man you is dumb
Guy: Nah I jus didn't try real good
Girl: Hows about I tutor yo ass?
my housemate at 3am, working on her h/work for her 8am class the next day:
*coloring furiously*
'I can't help it, they gave me a French workbook with blank people in it...I can't help it!'
"yeah, i'm a level 23 warlock."
Girl 1: So are you going to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?
Girl 2: No, I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend tonight.
Girl 1: You whore.
Two blond girls walking up the stairs at Pi Kap on friday night:
girl 1: they're just jealous because we have blonde hair
girl 2: i know, i mean our hair is pretty and blonde and their's is ugly, it's like the color of poop
1: So have you cheated on your girlfriend yet?
2: No, I could have 3 times, but I put it all on the line for her
1: Why didn't you cheat on her dude? You've cheated on all your other girlfriends?
2: I didn't cheat on Jody
1: You weren't fucking Jody
2: I only dated her for like a week I didn't even like her
1: I'd still cheat
2: It's different this time...
at my work, two older (as in late 30s, early 40s) men talking:
guy 1: ...yeah, I guess as long as it doesn't bother me, I odn't care
guy 2: yeah, my daughter lives in mark twain, so it won't bother her.
guy 1: oh, really? my daughter lives on campus, too.
guy 2: i wonder if they're friends
guy 1: oh, i can check! i have my daughter's facebook password. she doesn't know...but it's how i keep up on her life.
guy 2: oh....
guy 1: yeah...man, you should see her roommates....oooohhh-eee (as in a damn, those girls are fine voice).
Girl in Memorial union
"we broke up because he did not take me to Applebees."
"...So are spiders extinct?"
This must be prefaced by noting that the following quote was spoken a guy in a GEOLOGY class:
"Wait, are we doing rocks AGAIN today?"
Guy on phone near chipotle this afternoon: "dude, you asked her to marry you? wow! i can't believe it!"
*pauses while dude on phone replies
guy on phone: "wait....you asked her while she was on her FUCKING PERIOD!?! are you STUPID?!?"
*dude on phone says something
guy on phone: "yeah, well, you better hope you get some later after buying her that huge ring"
"Cuff me up! I like that freaky shit!"
GIRL "hey are you english??"
Steven "yes i am"
GIRL "so what language do you speak in England, french???"
Walking towards the bookstore I had two girls going over some terribly easy test.
Girl one, reading test and answers: Water is an example of: An element, a molecule, a compound. I put molecule.
Girl two: I put element. H2O, it's on the Periodic Table of Elements. It's an element.
"Dude, have you ever thought of sticking your mouth under the and sanitizer dispenser? That's like, pure alcohol!"
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