Tetris

I'm barely able to deal with Heart of Darkness right now. I'm taking short breaks and reading Kristine's blog and stuff like that. It's so mundane and comforting. Taxes. Immigration. Stay-at-home moms. Makes me think of and long for Fischer Price and suburbia. Who am I? Right now I'm a little bit sick and I'm almost comforted by the slight haze of congestion and the funny non-smell in my nose. There's no one really to take care of me but I feel cozy just thinking about it.

----

There's so much I thought I'd run forward to meet, but now I feel like it's coming down on me, perhaps before I'm ready. Am I ready? Will I be ready? I'm growing fast, but sometimes I worry it's not enough. Then I think of the playground in fifth grade, and I look at everyone around me. You'll do fine, I tell myself.

------------

I vascillate between normality and the old me, and the new me who doesn't know anything. I agreed to play by the rules and that's what I'm doing. I'm searching for a middle ground, but right now the gap just seems too big. An example: In the last week I've heard from or about Stian, Jorge, Matt, and even Cody. Amusing. But most of the time that still seems far away. Stian's parents are getting divorced, Matt's dressed up like Tony Stark for Halloween and is sorry, Jorge's country is being torn apart by drug wars. I'm drifting. And having the time of my life. And drifting. Up? Away? I don't know. When I'm with other people it's much easier than when I'm alone. You become what you pretend to be. It's not even intentionally constructed, I just slip back into my old habits. It's good.

-------------

Two year olds are geniuses. The miracle of learning those first things is tremendous, but there is also the miracle of forgetting everything else.