Nervousness

I have no regrets about Spain.
Initially I thought, I might go to Portugal, or North Africa, or at least Southern Spain with its old Muslim palaces etc. Andorra for a certainty. More of the Camino. Burgos.
I didn't do any of that.
But I have no regrets.
* - Okay, teeny tiny regret about Andorra. Only because the plans were all laid and cancelled at the last minute due to events outside of my control. It's hard to come so close!

I have no regrets about Germany.
Initially I thought, I might go to Denmark, or Lithuania... go up high in the Swiss Alps, see Neuschwanstein. Maybe go back to Spain for Las Fallas or the Running of the Bulls.
I didn't do any of that.
But I have no regrets.
* - Okay, teeny tiny regret about the Alps. But only because I went all the way there and the situation screwed me out of my prize. If I'd simply not gotten the chance to go, I don't even think I would regret this. 


Before leaving, there were infinite possibilities. It was easy to get stressed trying hopelessly to plan ahead. Worrying about getting this or that done. But in the end, once I arrived, all my lists of possibilities were was a quiet reminder of... possibilities.

And my life filled up in amazing ways. New friends, new experiences.

My days were so rich with both the quiet, every-day life in another country things, and the huge, once-in-a-lifetime moments.

The things I did, that I didn't expect, far outweighed what I 'missed out on'.

Canyoning in the Pyrenees, mushroom hunting in the Selva de Irati, multiple visits to lovely Koblenz, learning Basque, Germany's Wattenmeer, climbing Ben Nevis, biking to the grocery store every week in Germany, multi-culti foie-gras sushi in Alsace-Lorraine, the car train, heading off alone to Asturias and Foz de Lumbier, Venice (enough said), living in an old communist building in Krakow, scary roads in the lake district and peak district of England, Spissky Hrad in Slovakia, Lake Bled in Slovenia, Halloween in a little Galician town, Gianfranco's 'Spanish' and duets with Jaime, the 'horrible' rainy great glen way, the lovely sunny day in Inverness at the end, Budapest's hot baths, the huge paellas at UNAV, getting lost looking for the old abbey ruins near Bonn, existentialism in Alicante, climbing Arthur's Seat at night, the fire dancers in Madrid, Opus Dei and Basque style Christmases, just walking magical Pamplona and bits of the Camino, the Rhine River Castle Cruise, Spanish parties, German parties, Going to France (just for lunch!), Prague in sunshine and in rain, (and the guy peeing on the stairs in our 100 person-per-room, 7 euro-a-night hostel!), the Irish priest in the little border town who drank beer for breakfast, the terrible night in Mannheim, walking across Liechtenstein, Luxembourg (enough said), Heaven-and-Earth plate at the oldest restaurant in Bonn, Finding that flea market in Hungary, Kinder-Schokolade Crepes, Vappu and Easter in Finland, Tomatina, the wild horses stopping our car in eastern Navarra, Staying with Bostjan and family in Slovenia, leaning into the wind in Pikatua, perfect weather in the Hebrides Islands, The Prado, Crossing the Slovakian border, Surfing in Biarritz, the Industrial Parks of NRW, finding out months later what that obelisk in Amaiur-Maya was all about, walking on water with the swans in Keukenhof, the candy-smell of the air there, the absolute freedom of my weekend in Belgium... I could go on forever with those unexpected, wonderful events!!!

... And yet, here I am again. I'm looking at Norway. I'm so excited I can't contain myself. I'm hyper and nervous and twittering and putzing around and all I can think about is a big, happy, wonderful, exciting, amazing - void. A hasn't happened yet. An uncertain future.

And that's hard! It's hard to obsess about something that's still so unclear! I want to plan, to have something concrete to be excited about! I should know by now that the real wonders unfold once you arrive, the possibilities you never expected, the friends you couldn't have imagined, the adventures you fell into serendipitously. I should know, I should, but it's not helping me now.

Instead I'm making lists again. Checking prices and schedules and more. Making lists of possibilities that excite and amaze in one moment, and then in the next moment make me pathetically nervous, grasping, greedy... a sense that if I don't check off everything on the list, I'll go home sad, crying, unfulfilled.

Rubbish!

Why can't I learn better?