Settling Down, Settling In

By reading my own blog posts, I can see how much I'm settling in now. Fall and winter are bringing their own challenges, but the initial panic is gone. And I'm thinking that maybe my Spanish is improving after all. Not as drastically as the people who need to learn fast to survive, nor those who are fulling immersing themselves and sharpening their slang. Somewhere in the middle. But it's good. People correct me sometimes now. That's good.

I feel legitimate checking out in the grocery store. I rarely get flustered by a new and creative way they ask me if I want a bag or how I want to pay. Sometimes I have short conversations with the other residents of my building in the elevator or the foyer. I relax.

Today I went to campus an hour early to study for the To Kill a Mockingbird exam with Sofia. She's Italian, but we always speak Spanish together. The exam was brutal, but I laughed about it with Sofia and Florencia (from Argentina) and Marta (from Pamplona). Sofia and Florencia and I were staying for the exam, so we ate a quick lunch together in the cafe first, speaking mostly Spanish but occasionally switching into English, since we all three spoke it. Switching between English and Spanish is getting easier and easier. Sometimes I forget which one I've just spoken. We went in to watch the movie and I had no real problem understanding it, just like I was able to understand X-Men and Fantastic Four and Anna and the King on the bus ride from Alicante. I laughed at Florencia putting her feet up on the desk. Hadn't we been told a half-a-million times in Kiser and Altadonna's classes that Hispanics and Latin Americans would kill us for even thinking of doing such a thing?

At the end of the day I put on my coat, swiped out at the door along with a flood of Spanish students, not slowing anything down, not confused, not sticking out in any way. Just moving out with the crowd into the dark night that wasn't scary or chaotic any more. It didn't unnerve me to be alone in a strange country, in a strange city. They're just not that strange any more.

Homecoming

An admission: I'm actually a little bit sad to miss homecoming this year. Normally I don't give a damn, but this was supposedly the best homecoming in 100 years... and that's for the school that invented the tradition. The best homecoming and it was all on national news and EVERYONE was there and they stormed the field afterwards. Yeah. Kind of wish I was there. Sports be damned, it sounds like it was epic.

Inverse

I was fascinated by the unknown. I chased the mysteries down as they vanished, one by one, until there were none left. And I thought - this is it, the truth, there are no mysteries.

But everything is a mystery.

Å Være Koselig

I used to laugh at all of them. I would never, ever long for home. Just don't think about it, I said.

But it's harder when it's your favourite season. When Halloween and Thanksgiving just... won't exist. When it's cold in the house and I'd give anything to be snug by the fire in my fluffy pink robe, with Tidbit and Tootsie and Melissa, maybe all playing a board game, maybe with the Christmas tree already set up and nice smells from the kitchen.

I put on my (sg.) sweatshirt and (sg.) pair of wool socks. The radiator is actually on for once, so I get up close to it. I write this blog post and shed a single tear and eat a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that my family sent me.

And then I move on.

Old Facebook Notes

Looking at my old facebook notes, partly because you can't trust Facebook nowadays and who knows if they'll be there next time I look. Also because they're amusing. :D

First: May it Be

03 November 2008

This is a game where you put your itunes on shuffle and then put each song as the answer to the next question. :D Oddly enough, even my answer to the last one is somewhat fitting as a name for the thread.


1. How does the world see me?
Strangers Like Me
That’s really weird, there’s a line: I see myself as people see me.
But that aside, well, the song is about trying to learn from others, and seeing similarities with them, so hopefully the world sees me as open and eager to learn.

2. Will I have a happy life?
Shout To the Lord
Well, it’s a happy song full of praise for God, so maybe that says good things for my prospects? I didn’t see myself as becoming a religious fanatic, though… :S

3. What do my friends really think of me?
I Walk the Line
*I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time*
They think I’m a stalker, or afraid of intimacy… or? :S None of this sounds remotely like me.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Desert Rose
/Definitely/ yes, teehee.

5. How can I make myself happy?
455 Rocket
… Awkward. The secret to my happiness is cars and sex.
* Well, who's junk pile piece of Chevelle is this?
Did you boys come here to race or just kiss?
mmm now don't ya want to know what I got underneath my hood*

6. What should I do with my life?
God Help the Outcasts (Mandarin)
I should go help disadvantaged people. Probably in China.

7. Why should life be full of so much pain?
Histoire Eternelle (Tale as Old as Time in French)
Because lives have always been so full of pain?
Maybe something to do with a weird love story too, but this seems a bit too happy for the question.

8. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Stirb Nicht Vor Mir
Okay, I have to find a German lover who I have never seen, who sings about me in German while I sing about him in English, and we pine away for our dream lovers. Eventually we will meet and have great sex. The line “With his hands around my neck” might also be a hint. XD

9. Will I ever have children?
Love Will Find a Way (Russian)
Yes, I think, and maybe with a Russian. XD

10. Will I die happy?
The Voice of Ireland
*I am the voice of the wind and the pouring rain, I am the voice that always is calling you*
Maybe this means that when I die, I’ll hear a voice like this, and become a part of everything. Not unhappy.

11. What is some good advice for me?
Colours of the Wind Multilingual
All of Pocahontas’ advice to John Smith, plus learn a lot of languages. :D Sounds good!

12. What is happiness?
I Give To You This Heart
… No idea what to say to this, I’m not even sure what it means. Some lady loves her baby so much that she’s giving him away to God, because it’s the only way for him to live.

13. What is my favorite fetish?
The Unicorn and Prince Lear
Trans-species love stories? Or just Unicorns? XD Either way, mildly weird.

14. How will I be remembered?
Weg Van Huis
This is Dutch for Leaving Home. So maybe for travelling far away from my home/comfort zone? Not bad.

----------------------------------------------------

How am I feeling today?
Humanity
Good, I guess? *I wonder what life has in store for me…. Mix the black with the white on the canvas of life, create the artistry, the picture is humanity!*

Will I get far in life?
Svět nádherný (A Whole New World, Czech)
I’ll make it as least as far as the Czech Republic. I’ll find myself in a whole new world.

How do my friends see me?
Du Schreibst Geshichte
They see me writing a story. XD As just a drop in the ocean? Don’t understand the words quite well enough to analyze this properly.

Where will I get Married?
Mieleeni Linnan Tein
Um… Finland? XD

What is my best friend's theme song?
En Mi Corazon
Well, for Lucia – she speaks Spanish and is from a different country, so maybe sort of appropriate.
For Stephanie it’s not at all appropriate, so maybe I should pick a new song for her? XD
For Liisa, who gets honorary mention because I think we might be best friends if we lived closer, it works decently too.

Ameno
This doesn’t have any deep meaning, but I can see it as Stephanie’s theme song. XD

What is the story of my life?
Llegare a Mi Meta (I Can Go the Distance, Spanish)
I’m moving towards a goal, and finding where I belong. Could be worse.

What is/was highschool like?
Hope Fails
(Possibly the darkest song on the LOTR soundtrack)
Okay, I have to laugh. But honestly, it got better as it went, so maybe not entirely appropriate.

How can I get ahead in life?
Zo’n Vriend Als Ik
Find a Dutch speaking Genie. No problem.

What is the best thing about me?
The Colour of My Love
Um… the title? XD Haha, but this isn’t bad. I soothe people’s fears and stuff. *I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart*

How is today going to be?
Oh Lonesome Me
*Everybody’s going out and having fun, I’m just a fool for staying home and having none*
Okay, I have to laugh. XD

What is in store for this weekend?
No Trabajo, Solamente Diversion
Means: No work, only fun.
Sounds good!

What song describes my parents?
The Siren
Totally starts with a jaws-esque theme. XD No bloody idea what this is supposed to mean.

To describe my grandparents?
The Battle Hymn of Love
Wow, that’s so sweet! But who really deserves a song this good? XD

How is my life going?
Something Unpredictable
*Another Turning Point… so make the best of this test… it’s not a question but a lesson learned in time. It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right, I hope you have the time of your life*
So I’m still in an exciting turning point? XD

What song will they play at my funeral?
The Leave Taking
Creepy-Cool

How does the world see me?
Sommer På Jorda
That’s nice! I’m the happy, optimistic one!

What do I think my current theme song is?
Sunrise at Guilin
Beautiful place, lovely song, but dunno how it relates to my life. :D

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
You Are Holy
Why, thank you! XD

What type of men/women do you like?
A Pirate’s Life For Me
……………

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Once Upon a Dream (in Spanish)
Hispanohablantes that I meet in my dreams.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
We Are One (Japanese)
I guess I think that I am becoming one with my roommate.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
You.
That’s really the name of the song. You think about it. :D

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Amaranth, The Spirit Revived


WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
As The Deer
Gaelic Hymn… Dunno. :P

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
The Safety Dance
I want to… teach sex education?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Todella Kaunis
So beautiful… :P

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Memories Lost in the Storm
Hmm…..

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Ieri era Zero
Yeah! :P (They think I’ve become a lovely young woman from being a terrible disappointment of a young child.

WHAT SONG WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Come, Now is the Time
Hmm, maybe.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Court of Miracles
… Gee, I hope not.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Dancing Feathers
Traditional Native American Dance?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Why Not?
Definitely, seeing the Lizzie McGuire Movie Again.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Cadence of Her Last Breath
….

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU REPOST?
May It Be

Second: 25 Things About Me

01 February 2009

Everyone Else Is Doing It... So Why Not?

1.) I have a new rice cooker, my first ever, actually, and I have an unhealthy obsession with it. Add that to having a Japanese roommate and sometimes I think I'm turning Asian. (Miso soup for breakfast, rice for lunch and dinner...)

2.) I studied Latin for 4 or 6 years, depending on how you want to look at it. I started late, but caught up to the rest of the Latin students by senior year. It's nice to sometimes have flashes of genius regarding the root of a word, or even be able to understand a motto... and yes, I have read the Carpe Diem poem in the original Latin. But all in all, kind of a waste of some of my life, since it was hard and we had teachers who understood that and didn't push us. ;) But I do have good memories from that class, and from our trip to Italy, and we actually learned a lot about Roman history and culture too...

3.) I love walking barefoot and feeling things with my hands. People with all five senses tend to neglect touch, I think. At home I always went barefoot - at Uni I have to be a bit more conservative, which is a bit sad...

4.) Garlic is my favourite vegetable. I can eat roasted garlic cloves whole. My favourite kind of Pizza has pine nuts, roasted garlic cloves, fresh tomatoes, olive oil, two kinds of yummy cheese (AND feta on top), and kalamata olives on it. And that is pretty much my definition of happiness.

5.) I have a few unusual writing habits. To start with, I have a strong sense for keeping in the same person or tense, and it really bothers me when other people don't do that. I also prefer British spelling as a rule, and I like capitalization a lot. I would never capitalize every letter in a word, that's obnoxious! But when I'm instant messaging, the first letter is always a capital. And I like to capitalize all of the words in titles, too...

6.) I have weak ankles, so you would think that I'd be really bad at Ice Skating, Wake Boarding, and Skiing. Well, I'm not going to go pro any time soon, but I hold my own with all three of them. I hold the record within my family for the longest ride on the Wakeboard, although I didn't try any tricks or anything, and my first time skiing, a month ago, went really well - the instructor was actually impressed!

7.) I love to go hiking. Nature for me is an incredible thing, and I don't mean just incredible seascapes and mountain views (though more about that later). The green of the grass, or even the soft straw colour of grass in the winter, is beautiful to me. And if I look up and see the naked branches of trees stretching against the sky, I think that's amazing too. I can't help but look up as I pass Stankowski field, and the lights there, shining like 100 moons, are outlining all the branches of the trees with silver, and as you pass you can see the dark sky behind them

8.) On pretty much any hot topic for debate, I have an incredibly fluid and complex opinion that tries to encompass all of the data that I have on the subject. This exhausts me too, actually, because I can't really summarize my opinions in a discussion without feeling like I'm not saying what I believe. Usually all of the opinions exist and are different on various levels (like what I believe would be best for me, or my family, or my country, or the world...), and contain plenty of thought out exceptions.

9.) I never play video games nowadays. But I still love them. And if I get my hands on some free time and a game simultaneously, things get obsessive and bad very quickly. It's my dirty little secret.

10.) I want to be a cultural journalist. That is to say that I want to go all over the world and spend some time with people who are living all sorts of very different lives, write about them, take pictures of them, etc. I would prefer this to 'travel journalism', because I would prefer to actually go deeper than the typical tourist, and it seems to me that reading travel journalism just makes me jealous and angry without actually teaching me anything. But if I get an offer to get paid to go on cruises and stuff, well, I'm going to take it. XD

11.) Writing used to be the most important thing in my life. I wanted to write novels. Now things have changed a bit. I'd still love, when I'm older and have more life experiences behind me, to write a wonderful novel. But when I was in high school, languages and anthropology took over, and I really neglected writing. Now I am getting back into it, but in a different way - more as a journalist. The transition has confused me at times, but I think that I'm happy with it in a way as well.

12.) I don't have a favourite genre of music, nor do I really have a way of finding new music. Instead, I just stumble onto things accidentally, or through friends, and when they sound good, I add them to my small collection. Country, Heavy Metal, Italian Lullabies, Soundtracks, Pop... It doesn't matter, just so long as it speaks to me.

13.) I'm seriously thinking about expatriating after Uni. If I go through with it, I think that I'll be able to leave the United States without looking back. But Missouri? That will actually be harder, strange as it sounds.

14.) Some little girls dream of living in castles. I have always dreamed of mountains. It seems almost impossible to me to dream of living in view of them. When I lived in Indiana the land was so flat that when I came to Missouri I stared in wonder at the 'bluffs' on the sides of the roads. When I was in the Oslo-Fjord region I kept getting excited by the 'mountains'... only to be told that those were mere hills. :) But someday...

15.) I have been in love exactly once.

16.) I have the best little dog in the world. Her name is Tidbit, and she is a miniature dachshund. I have had her since I was eight years old, and now her face and paws are grey, but she still acts a little like a puppy sometimes. She knows about Christmas and birthdays and tries to open the presents. She loves to lay in the sun that streams through the front door in wintertime, and I love how she falls asleep in my arms.

17.) I am mildly obsessed with Scandinavia. Currently number one on my list of places to visit is Iceland, and I have been to Sweden, Finland, and Norway. I speak Norwegian reasonably well, and I am learning Faroese and Finnish as well, when I find the time. :) I am going to study abroad in Norway, and I'm seriously looking at a summer program in the Faeroe Islands.

18.) I have the best penpal in the world. Her name is Liisa and she is from Finland. :D I went to see her last summer and I had the time of my life. Finnish sounds amazing and the country is, as Liisa said once, "Filled with hidden beauty".

19.) I live in the foreigner dorm at Mizzou, and my roommate is Japanese. Since we have 7 Japanese girls living on our floor, our little room is frequently invaded by the peculiar sound of that language, and the peculiar smells of Kim-chi Ramen, Miso Soup, and Natto.

20.) Charbonneau, of the Lewis and Clark Expedition, was my great great great great great great great grandfather, and it is not impossible that Sacagawea, his wife, was my great great great great great great great grandmother.

21.) Genetically, I have quite a bit of French blood, but surprisingly the language just doesn't fit in my mouth or my brain properly. XD At my high school, French was the only language offered which I never studied. (Although I usually did list it as an alternate elective, I got lucky and my schedule almost laways worked out). It became quite amusing, as by senior year I had studied Spanish, Latin, and German, as well as Italian and Norwegian with independent study, but not French.

22.) I have two best friends. One is Stephanie - she and I could have passed for twins in Elementary School, and we were wearing the exact same clothes on the day we met! We've been friends forever and have never had more than the most minor of disagreements. The other is Lucia - she showed up my Junior year of High School and made things so much more enjoyable. :D The first time we hung out, we just talked for 6 hours and it felt like 30 minutes. I love you guys! ^^

23.) I like winter swimming. I am sad that there is no real way to do this at Mizzou... so when I go to visit my family at the lake, I always jump in. :D I can blame Finland for this particular madness... though I have to say that having a sauna nearby improves the experience...

24.) I love smoked salmon. My mom thinks this is disgusting, and once she was making fun of my buying Lox flavoured cream cheese, and said, "Oh yeah? Well, why don't you just buy some raw-fished flavoured cream cheese?" And my dad, sister, and I were like... "Um... that's what it is. XD"

25.) I don't like learning indiscriminately. Math and I, for example, have never gotten along. Still, I can't help but think that three majors (International Studies, Spanish, and Journalism) aren't enough. I'm really going to regret not studying Psychology, Anthropology, Photojournalism, and Linguistics too... And that's not to mention Italian, Russian, and German... Though I am taking a few classes in German. :)

Third: 25 Things About Me (Again)

06 October 2009

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I have strong number -> personality synesthesia, and weak number -> colour synesthesia. This means that 3 is a precocious, pre-adolescent male, and light yellow-green. And that’s a fact.

2. I’m pretty sure no one has ever admitted to being influenced by me on any count. Usually, if someone for example plays a game or reads a book I had spoken highly of, I get all happy that they read it based on my recommendation, only to have them vehemently disagree and make it very clear that their decision had NOTHING to do with me. That’s fine, I just wonder why they have to be so clear and firm on the matter. Is the idea that I influenced someone really so repulsive?

3. If I want to do something, I go for it. Unless I am so tired that I am not thinking straight, or I am in pain, being tired is no excuse to fritter a day away. I know I will only be young once – I want to use this time to its fullest.

Carpe Diem! :D

4. Two of my all time favourite book series are The Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire, but I am actually rather picky about the fantasy, and even the fiction, that I read. So much of it is awful, and I generally lean towards nonfiction these days.

5. I actually have a larger than average DVD collection now. I amassed it in just one year, without really thinking much about it, and the average that I’ve spent, per DVD, is hovering around 7 – 8$.

6. I can and have cooked almost anything in a rice cooker. Clam chowder, scrambled eggs, sautéed mushrooms, Japanese curry with chicken, and so on and so forth. It’s an amazing little device.

7. I like video games a lot. I haven’t had much time to play since I came to University, but there were periods of my life sacrificed to Battle for Atlantis, Banjo Kazooie, Gauntlet Legends, Zelda the Ocarina of Time, Final Fantasy X, .hack/infection, Baldur’s Gate Dark Alliance, Soul Calibur II, Final Fantasy XII, and others. Oddly enough, I just played a video game last night. Yes, an entire video game. Allan and I decided it would be smart to play all the way through a My Little Pony GBA game.

8. I count my RPing middle school days as a turning point in my life, not so much in the sense that I changed directions, but that everything I had done up until that point went into RPing, and everything I have done since can be traced back to it.

9. I want the number of countries that I’ve been to to, at some point, match my age. I am now 19 and have been to 14 countries: The United States, Mexico, Costa Rica, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, France, Italy, the Vatican, Greece, and Japan. Still, I only got my passport at 14, so in 5 years, that’s not too bad.

10. I feel like I was so driven and motivated in high school that I’ll never be able to live up to my own reputation, if only because I am getting older, and more is expected of me, and I’m simply not progressing along with the rapid passing of days.

11. Every one of my prepubescent crushes turned out to be gay.

12. I’ve actually seen the Northern Lights from Missouri. That’s actually very uncommon, and, to be fair, they were nothing special this far south. I want to see the real thing someday.

13. I’ve inherited 95% of my family’s camping gear and winter clothing, since they decided to fly south to Florida. I also own a single sled – the only one we kept. I am so glad that I’m still in Missouri. I don’t think I would be able to manage without winter – it’s a psychological, cyclical thing. It’s every bit as horrifying for me as imagining moving somewhere with no summer.

I still have wintertime! Yay!!

Yay Wintertime!

14. I anticipate that the biggest choice of my life will ultimately be whom I marry, where I live, where I raise my children. The three are intermingled very closely, and also mixed in with a very healthy dose of chance. Anyways, that choice is still before me. And I’m going to need a lot of time to think about it.

15. I struggle a lot with understanding the value of human life. I tend towards believing that it is sacred and all important and all of that good stuff, but where exactly the value lies... it's not so simple. This single basic question influences how I feel about almost everything – and the problem is that I’m not sure how to answer it.

16. They say that either nothing or everything is a miracle. But I just think about how I met Stephanie, wearing the same clothing and feeling like I’d looked into a mirror…. How I met Lucia, she coming all the way from Chile and Brazil to my little hometown… How I met Liisa, just a random hook up on penpal.net… the bizarre set of circumstances that brought me to Norway… finding two other Faroese learners in mid-Missouri via Uni, who lives thousands of miles away from any of us… that I sort of have a Singaporean life-history twin… that so much in my life that could have gone in two different directions, went in the right one, every time.

With Liisa in Finland! :D

17. I am an INFJ personality type. I have tested for it 96% of the time, although the tests I have taken have varied very widely. I have had several people who know me well guess that I am INTJ – perhaps because INFJ is the rarest type? I am a big believer in the Myers Briggs personality test after researching it quite a bit online. I checked out some friends’ and family members’ types and thought that the tests gave me some insight into our relationships. This was especially true for my last two boyfriends, both of which I am pretty sure were INTP. (For one of them, I actually found that they had taken the test on Facebook… yep, INTP!) There is a lot of information available about INFJ and INTP. Apparently they are very attractive to each other but not ultimately compatible. It actually startled me how true many of the ‘predicted trouble’ statements applied to my two relationships.

18. I really, really, really like food, and am frequently frustrated by my inability to eat as much as most people. I know they hate me for this same reason. I am especially obsessed with Indian and Thai food, but I also like Japanese and Italian food a lot, for different reasons. And really, anything as good, as long as there’s no cilantro! (I have a somewhat common tasting irregularity that makes cilantro taste like soap to me. Seriously.)

19. I am planning to study abroad for one semester in Bonn, Germany, one semester in Pamplona, Spain, and one semester in Bergen, Norway. If I can, I’d also love to do a summer internship in either Washington D.C. or Argentina.

20. I have been to Hell twice. Once was a small town in Norway, very near Trondheim’s airport. The second time is a miniature wasteland in Japan on a mountain called Osore-zan. It is traditionally considered a gateway to the underworld.

Osore-zan (Mount Fear)

Hell #2

21. I have a very bad memory for numbers and a very good memory for language. Once I memorized several thousand verses of an epic poem. (I still remember roughly the first 1,000 verses well enough to recite them without much trouble.) And, if a conversation means a lot to me, I have an uncanny memory for what exactly was said.

22. Some random Norwegian man I met in Greece when I was 16 told me he thought I could learn to speak 10 languages. This has been my goal ever since.

23. I’m ordinarily a decent speller, but some words have just more or less refused to surrender. I have been struggling with character, for example, for about ten years. I think I might have it now, though… knock on wood.

24. Once I saw a man who could change his eye colour simply by looking at something of that colour. It wasn’t a trick of the light or reflection. For example, he could take an orange hat and put it under his eyes, and we could see the orange spread out over his iris, almost as if it was leaking out of his pupil. When we took the hat away, the orange lingered for a while but began to be replaced just as slowly as it had come. I have no idea what was going on there, and neither does anyone I’ve asked about it since.

25. I am probably not going to tag 25 people in this. I don’t think I know 25 people who care enough about me to read 25 things about me. Maybe that’s sad, or maybe I’m just being realistic instead of vain as hell, for once.

Cloudy Day Hurray

I'm glad it's cloudy today, because I need to get some things done, and when the sun is shining I can't stay indoors. Because we have only so many sunny days. But when it's cloudy I can stay in guilt free. This is my sickness.

Observations

I get the feeling that they laugh a bit at the Argentines here, at their old fashioned haughtiness. It must be weird to be the seat of an old empire. We estadounidenses are on the side of the Argentinians, here. Marina says she loves watching the soap operas that come in from South America, where the rich protagonists ride their horses across the pampas and have such old fashioned names. I imagine it's something like our Laura Ingalls Wilder, but more strange and distant. Come to think of it, my Argentenian friend here has pale blue eyes and long, straight blonde hair and has a long, multicultural mouthful of a name. Starting with Florencia.

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From what I've seen the Spaniards appear to be somewhat comfortable public speakers. I don't say good. I say comfortable. They stand in front of the classroom with the same sort of bored, sort of commiserating, sort of annoyed attitude that they have when talking about assignments and exams among themselves. They gesture with their open palms at the audience and almost roll their eyes, as if saying, "Hey guys, so here I am, I gotta talk about this stuff, I think we can all agree its not very interesting and that this is a colossal waste of time, so lets just get through it so that the teacher can get back up here and do his job." But they're pretty chill. I don't see nervousness. In America there are all the smiles and giggles and shakes. I don't know which I prefer.

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Lucia and I have been talking about thoughts and minds. I've always seen my mind as more linear and one dimensional. Not to say less complex... just that pretty much my mind is unified force, acting as one, understanding itself... with rare exceptions and of course animal instincts like hunger aside, there is the continual line of my thoughts, relatively well formed into words. Language is more than vital, thoughts without language are simply inconceivable. I can imagine a transcript being printed of my life's work in thoughts, pages after pages of observations and inner life. Recent events have upset this, somewhat, I'm more aware of different levels of thinking and sometimes even dissent between them. And Lucia says this is normal for her, she's more aware of levels of mental and emotional existence, and, furthermore, that she has a hard time expressing some of her thoughts in words. This confuses me. My thoughts come in words - there's almost no division between them. But for Lucia it's different, and she's been curious about why, asking me questions about when I learned to write and how much they pushed me to express my feelings on paper in school. But I actually learned to read and write at the normal time, or even late compared to the rest of my mental development. But I spoke as a child, constantly.

And I notice that in class here they keep saying "bucear en la mente..." - to dive into the mind. They use it when I would say "to read the mind". In Harry Potter they say that the mind is not an open book to be read, but I think they could read mine, if they figured out how... neat little sentences spilling out in a row. But that wouldn't work for Lucia, if she can't even order her own thoughts into words and sentences, somehow. Perhaps for her mind diving would be more fruitful, since not all that lies beneath comes to the top and works itself into a neat order. And so I wonder if the linguistic difference doesn't correspond to a cultural difference. It's curious.

Fears

Things haven't seemed to change so fast for nearly five years. A leap in understanding, but not all of it good. I would go back, even now, if I could.

Going on a lion hunt, and I am afraid. Can't go over it... can't go under it... Gotta go through it...

I flirt with an organizational obsession. My things, my kitchen, my knowledge, my thoughts, my network. Setting all of it in order is calming, but I can't tell if it's good to organize things too much. It strips away the illusion of individuality and infinite capacity. I also wonder, sometimes, if I'm counting bricks to ward off insanity.

I'm not afraid of failure. I'm afraid failure and success are equally meaningless. And I'm afraid of failure, too, a little bit.

I keep trying not to look back. I went down and saw for myself what there was to see and I made my choice. It's not even such a great place, down there, kind of cold and there's just a ledge, a bottomless pit, and a ladder up, and some graffiti too - "Descartz wuz here".

And now I rediscover each thing, a bit different this time. Opposites suddenly seem to have much more in common. I wonder about artists and authority figures and people on the street. Can you tell from looking? Can you smell it? Seems it should leave a mark, doesn't it?

It will take a little bit longer for the sense of darkness to leave my apartment here. But it's going.

What we do not get over, we do, perhaps, get past...

It's Already Cold...

I know the weather here is not that different from Missouri, but somehow it's weird for the seasons to still go on changing when you're so far from home. And yeah, heat in my apartment would be nice too. :P I feel like I'm camping when I wake up to my room being 50 degrees and have to get dressed.

Eroski Curry

When it's cold, I start craving certain types of food. I really do feel that they keep me warm! :) Seasonal affects aside, I've been craving curry since I left home (probably because I eat way too much of it there), and the Indian lunch I grabbed with Sara in Madrid only made it worse - it was enough like my curry to remind me of how much I missed it, but too different (and with too much cilantro... yuck) to really sate my desire.

I spent some time trying to figure out how to make a very easy and basic curry. This isn't just laziness at work here - I have to share a kitchen (so I can't make my own paneer or anything exotic like that), I don't have any specialty equipment, and I prefer to use only ingredients from Eroski, my nearest grocery store, rather than make a maybe-fruitful, maybe-not hike to Carrefour or Corte Ingles. In the end I came up with something that worked quite well. I do wish I'd been able to find ginger, but Eroski doesn't carry it and Cabrabo (the next store down) was out. I tried to compensate by adding more 'curry powder', but that didn't work so well. Adding some lemon worked much better!

So - curry that you can make with all-Eroski ingredients! This is basically the recipe I followed:

Heat up some oil, add some cumin and a chopped onion. Cook for a while until the onion is translucent. Add three cloves garlic, chopped finely. Add a lot of red pepper powder, a lot of curry powder, and a little cinnamon. Add a can of crushed tomato and a single serving of unflavoured yoghurt. Let cook and thicken for a while, add salt and honey to taste, and the juice of one lemon.

See? Super easy. And it's just the sauce, so you can eat it with whatever, either by throwing some vegetables or meat or something in it now, or by putting the curry over whatever you want to eat later. I had a can of peas I wanted to get out of my pantry, so I mixed a ladleful of the curry with those and it was quite tasty with bread. :) For dinner I might cook some potatoes and put those in. Endless possibilities. ^^

First Exam

I just got my first grade back on an exam here in Spain. Talk about learning humility. I've watched TV shows and movies where the characters wring their hands and worry about whether or not they've passed. Passed! And that, when they've given it a good shot, and studied hard. I've never really understood it before.

I was actually shaking a little bit when I signed into ADI. I only have to pass, but I have to pass. No buffer zone. The scale goes from 1-10, but it's not exactly like our percentages. 5 or above is a passing grade. 5 or below is a failing grade. I knew the material. I studied. I did the work. The test swam in front of my eyes and both of the two choices always seemed right. Later, one of the students told me that they /were/ both right, half the time, you had to pick the better one, and sometimes the difference hung on some minor point, some subtle linguistic shading. Lovely.

But it doesn't really matter. Either I passed, or I didn't pass. Above 5, or under 5.

I got a 6,87. By secondary school standards, I think that would be about a high C, maybe a low B. By University Standards, it's at the high end of the "you passed, but don't expect any praise" category.

But I passed. And I did it in Spanish. :) And some of the Spanish students didn't, I know because we all got an email informing us of the consequences for those students. I passed. :) One down...

I love them so much.

Can I get plugged back into the matrix? Please?

It's raining, but I have to go to the 24 hour store because Emily's not sure it's open in the morning. This is funny. This is funny.

The store-owner and I switch between English and Spanish, and sometimes I'm not sure which language I'm speaking, or which one he's speaking either. Do treinta. You have treinta centavos? Lo siento, estoy cansada, no entiendo. Cuanto? Todo esto dos treinta. Where you from? España? No, los Estados Unidos. Y tu? Nigeria, he says. His g sounds like a y.

How long have you been here? Dos meses ahora. You're welcome. Gracias. De Nada.

Emily goes to sleep the moment I get home. She's tired and getting sick. She needs some new clothes, some warm clothes, but still I feel bad for dragging her about this weekend. I go into her kitchen and want to talk to someone - suddenly I get Allan, Lucia, and my Mom, all at once. I talk to my mom for half an hour. She's so good. I talk to my dad too, and even my sister for a little while. They're so good. I love them so much.

That's real, if it's the one real thing. It's too much and too good. Life isn't long enough for it. I love them so much...

Human Enough to Cry

"Don't cry. If you have become human enough to cry, then all the magic in the world cannot change you back."

No Way Back

Ex Tenebris...

Cogito ergo sum.

Listening

Sitting in the olive trees on campus at night, I realize I'd forgotten how good you are at listening. Thank you.

Backyard Diversity

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/time-to-lead/multiculturalism/diversity-yes-in-my-backyard/article1736042/

An interesting survey about the level of diversity people would like in their own neighborhood, by country.

Search by: People of a Different Race
Hong Kong is the most unwilling (86.3%), and by a pretty big margin - followed by a smooth curve of Jordan (52.5%), India (48.8%), Vietnam (42.4%), Rwanda (37.2%)...
The bottom ten here are mostly the usual, with some surprises. Sweden, Canada, Trinidad and Tobago, Argentina, Andorra, United States, Norway, New Zealand, Australia, Guatemala - all below 5%. Finland is quite high with 12.2%. The chart for Immigrant, Foreign Workers is quite similar, although the United States becomes somewhat less tolerant.

Search by: Drug Addicts
Again, Hong Kong distinguishes itself - it's by far and away the most tolerant of drug addicts, with only 12.3% in opposition. For some reason, this chart is the reverse image of the first in several ways... Vietnam, next after Hong Kong, is 51.7%, followed by India (60.3%), and Rwanda (62.9%)... but also by Guatemala (57.8%). This chart puzzles me. East Asians dominate both extremes, with South Korea and Taiwan being almost universal in their disapproval. No European country has less than 70% in disapproval, but I was still surprised to see that Germany (74.2%) and Switzerland (74.4%) were more accepting than the Netherlands (85.5%) The graph for Heavy Drinkers shows many similarities, including Hong Kong being by far the most tolerant, followed by Vietnam and Guatemala.

Search by: People who speak another language
These are all pretty low, with Jordan bringing up the lead at nearly 50%. Europe and South America are more tolerant, on average, than Asia and Africa. France is the first European country, at 27.6%, then there are some Eastern European countries before the United States comes in at 11.1%, about the middle. The most tolerant countries are Sweden, Norway, Andorra, and Canada (no surprises), Argentina (hmm), and Spain (really??). Taiwan, as a tolerant Asian country, is the exception, and Hong Kong isn't listed this time.

Search by: People of a different religion
These results were surprisingly low. Only Jordan nudges above 50% with 51.2%, followed closely by India, Vietnam, Iran, Georgia, and Rwanda. The United States is shockingly low at 2.6%, ahead of the Netherlands, Andorra, or Norway, and only behind Canada, Argentina, Trinidad and Tobago, Great Britain, and Sweden - and only by the narrowest of margins. I credit the Jews. We tend to like the Jews, enough to make us unwilling to show our prejudices towards Muslims, lest we be thought of as anti-semetic.

Search by: Homosexuals
These results filled the whole range, from Jordan at 97%, to Cyprus at 50%, to Sweden at 4.4%. The U.S. is at 26%. Acceptance for Unmarried Couples Living Together shows a roughly similar order, but the more accepting two-thirds of countries are much more accepting, before unwillingless shoots up rather quickly, mostly for Asian, African, and Middle Eastern countries.

Search by: People with AIDS
This has a lot in common with the chart for Homosexuals, and could also be influenced by levels of education. There is one notable exception: South Africa is the second most tolerant (7.3%) -and several other African countries break the top half. Hong Kong reappears and is for once right in the center.

Summaries:
Sweden, Norway, Argentina, and Canada are consistently tolerant of differences and lifestyle choices, but not of destructive behaviors. Jordan, Vietnam, Iran, Georgia, Rwanda, and Indonesia were usually found at the other end. The Middle East and Africa tended to remain conservative regardless of whether destructive/dangerous behaviors or lifestyle choices were being discussed, instead of flip-flopping like European and some Asian countries. South America was quite accepting and liberal, often as much so as Europe, with Mexico usually a bit more conservative and always folling in the center. Hong Kong was often not listed, but where it was listed it tended to be an outlier. The United States was in general much more accepting than I think people tend to believe.

Skin Colour:
The most interesting things to me were the relationship with tolerance for a different race, with tolerance for immigrant workers, differences in religion and language, and drug addiction. In the United States, people like to insist that they are not racist, only that they don't want their jobs taken (immigrant workers), think that immigrants should learn English (language), and judge people instead by their behavior (drug addiction). The results support this assertion somewhat, as they show that we are very intolerant of drug addiction, and less tolerant of immigrant workers than a random person of a different race... but that on the whole we are quite accepting of people of other religions (again, I credit the Jews), reasonably tolerant of other languages (this is a bit of a surprise, and really extremely tolerant, or so we say, of racial diversity.

On the other hand, Hong Kong tends to dislike people of other races quite strongly, while being the most accepting of drug addiction, heavy drinking, etc. I wish it was listed for religion, language, etc, because the results could be quite interesting - I would assume they wouldn't care much about religion, but I'm not sure about language. What struck me about what information we do have about Hong Kong, though, is that they would much rather have a drug addicted, heavy drinking person of their own race as a neighbor, than someone of another race. Either they think that foreigners do some really, really bad things, or it is the skin colour alone that bothers them.

Comparing the two, it would seem that either America is telling the truth when they say it's not the skin colour of other races that bother them, but other aspects that often happen to fall, or at least seem to often fall, along racial divides... either that, or we are so used to saying that, that we think we think that, and even put it on anonymous surveys.

Aitor, Donostia, and Zuloeta

Once you learn a word, you see it everywhere. But it's really because you floated past it before and didn't pay attention. The more you travel, the more you understand. It's a cool thing. It both shrinks the world and expands it.

A quick stumble. A list of comments for a photograph. I notice one has the name Aitor. That's my Basque teacher's name. I told my Linguistics teacher that, when she asked, and she laughed and said it was a very old fashioned name, a very local name. This Aitor's avatar? Well, it's a silhouette shot of The Comb of the Winds, a modern sculpture by Jorge Oteiza in San Sebastian, in the Basque Country. So it makes sense. :) And it's funny that I used the word silhouette - it's one of the few words that comes from Basque into English, albeit through a very strange route... something about the word coming to English from a French word that was originally a Frenched-up version of a Basque guy's last name, Zuloeta.

Funny, right?

Your Days

It hits you at weird moments. Like when you walk out into the rain to go back home after a birthday party. It smells just like a Missouri summer-rainstorm, and somehow that makes it very clear that it's not, that you're far away, that these are your days. I don't even feel that I'm using them badly. I'm not having any regrets. It's just strange to be living in a world I thought about for so long. Just strange for it all to be so real.

A Little Eustress

Sometimes you need some stress to actually get things done. Yesterday I was feeling stressed. I came home and ranted to my roommate for a little while and ate a snack, but then I actually did some things. I went online and checked my bank account, and set up a budget for the rest of the year. I called my mom and made her actually get Skype, and we talked and I now know what I'm doing for winter break. Today I bought a calendar and filled it in with due dates and other important information, because you know what, I am going to school here, and being more organized even than I am at home can only help. I tidied my room a bit yesterday and I plan to actually clean it today, and do some laundry, and cook a tortilla espanola so I can make sandwiches for the hike tomorrow. These were all things that needed to be done. ^^

The budget situation is better than it could be. As long as I don't go crazy with more than one or two long distance trips, concerts, or other pricey things, (or as long as I compensate with austerity later when I do), I should have enough to eat reasonably well, have fun with friends like a few cafes out a week and even a meal once in a while, and still take day trips on weekends... and I should be good through Spain, and Germany, even if my net income over winter break is 0. Still, I'd come back from Germany bankrupt, so it's better if I can get a job and make some money. Besides, there are so many little expenses you don't think about. I'm already about 70 Euros into additional school fees (we get charged for photocopy packets - sometimes up to 10 euros for the big ones... etc) that I haven't even told mom about because I feel bad. :P I was just planning to eat more potatoes and pasta... but now that I'm going to get a job over Winter Break its something I can cover anyway.

Things are good but I need to stay on top of them. :)