Stress

Feeling really stressed out about now. Need to email Liisa, finnish my Latin honours project, annotate Midsummer Night's Dream and Oedipus Rex, do that math POW and otherwise attempt to understand what we're doing in there, type up the Eros essay again and give it a complete rehaul... and oh, also, my rooms and complete mess and I need to shower and eat. And sleep at some point if it's not too much trouble.

Not playing Racquetball this year and it's a DAMN good thing, for the money if nothing else. And I'm working the two jobs, so full half time (21 hours a week) in all, not too bad if I do say so myself... an' another 8x5 is 40 hours stuck in school all week... so doesn't leave much time for myself. Somehow I find it though in all the cracks. Break at work which I still leave sacred for skimming the Spanish visual dictionary or reading in Norsk, Nordmenn, og Norge.

And Liisa sent me Naiv. Super for my birthday (really this coming weekend?) and I spent an hour or two last night reading it which is nice. The mom has been freaking out especially in light of college next year and the wedding in two weeks (Todd and Rachel's). I'm a bridesmaid and need to look nice and for me that means a haircut a petticure new shoes new dress extra fittings and oh while we're at it let's get you ready for mizzou you need new jeans and new shirts and isnt this cute youre going to have to learn to do this yourself miranda learn what matches learn what goes whats appropriate youll never get there such a failure ahhhhhhh....

And silly stuff like that. The mom and I fight and even my dad if mom says he has to get involved. It's about the stupidest most unreasonable stuff imaginable and I know she has her side and I know I've done stuff wrong but I can't imagine what I've done so wrong that she... well, let's be fair. 50% of the time she's great and 30% bearable, and 10% probably normal naggy mom but the other 10% I just don't understand...

My only ideas is that maybe she's read that teenagers think they're better than their parents and don't listen their senior year and starts to imagine it where it's not... all of her arguments after all sound spit out of that sort of book... and I can't seem to convince her that I haven't changed. I ask, "What could I have done to make you happy?" "Helped around the house" she says and I say, "But I did help around the house" and she says "Pah!" "But I did," I insist, "How didn't I?" "Just help around the house!" And it's longer and longer and more rediculous and I don't even really want to get into it. My other idea is that maybe she thinks she should yell at Melissa and I equally and Mel's in trouble lately with grades so she needs to yell at me too.

I know I'm not perfect... my rooms a mess... but in the grand scheme of things I'm working hard and I make good grades and I stay out of trouble and I wish she'd acknowledge that. Oh, she does at times bragging to all of her friends but when she's in a bad mood I still get it. Sometimes at home I feel nervous relaxing cause she'll come by and say, why are you relaxing, you say you don't clean because you have no time... and I want to say that I have half an hour or so a day and I like to relax, clear my brain, eat a decent meal, I love to cook and I cook such simple things it's my only pleasure....

Languages run together a classic sign of decay of the brain. It's not always so bad but I find Spanish in my German like a bug in my salad and Norsk is the only thing that seems to make any sense.

And what's more... sometimes when I'm walking home in the dark and ice after Lydia or something I have this strange feeling of how small everything is... what a small layer we are on the earths surface and into space... and this strange idea that I could easily fall off the face of the earth and into nothingness.

I...