Elindomiel

Thus far in my life, as I approach the first great ending the and the greatest possible beginning, I realize that it appears I will accomplish everything that I have set out to do. I shall have my 3.8 cum, I shall have my semester above a 4.0, I shall have taken an independent study in Norwegian and taken 3 languages at once, participated twice in the great Meeting of the Minds, found true friends and come to terms with most of my enemies, and even made some abstract choices... concerning for example the long years where I ineffectively wavered between the dark, mysterious persona and the little chibi Miranda everyone forced me to become. I am a slice of both, a little more of the latter, and mostly myself which I am surprisingly happy with.

The only goals I haven't met were those beyond my control... in the hands of others, namely... But even these I feel may have worked out for the best. And those of you who know what I speak of know how remarkable it is that I am finally able to say that.

I am still confused about so many things. I still don't know what I want to do with my life... business, the soulless money making venture - writing, the hopeless, one chance in a million shot at divinity - teaching, the noble, poormans profession - something wild and crazy almost as rare as being a writer, that will take me all over the world and... still don't know.

Still confused, still a little crazy, still wondering, for instance when I rub my sore eyes, how soft they are. How soft, how fragile these things that I rely on so much. These are my eyes. They are everything I see. Sine qua non. Strange alphabets, sweeping landscapes. All of it could vanish. These are just my eyes. And so my whole body is small and fragile. Smaller even than normal but that is the least of things, in everything those inches and pounds hardly matter. So this soft flesh can hardly seem to be real... And the same way I find myself wondering about and wondering at my religion, my culture, my country, my world. Burdens, blessings, who knows...

I realize especially that not only can one go back one cannot stand in one place either... the sands of time will push them forward whatever happens, so it's easier and less painful just to keep walking.

And amidst all of this fear, confusion, indecision, uncertainty, this sea of synonyms for what everyone else my age is feeling I have another thought... another sense that somehow amidst all of it there is something hard and certain inside, stronger than weak flesh or petty accomplishments and perhaps even the image I have chosen for myself... perhaps that which some call a soul... A sense that per omnes.... I really do.... daron....

Elindomiel.