August 06, 2012

Things that happen

I hadn't seen her since Christmas.

Every time I left, I knew it was for a long time - a long time even for a person, much less a dog... and still less for an old dog like Tidbit.

Still, she was healthy for her age. Doing okay. Still had a little bit of attitude and a lot of appetite.

They called me Sunday. They made the decision last Monday and they put her down Friday.

They talked about it and decided it was best not to tell me, that it would be easier on me to wait until Sunday. Didn't want to ruin my weekend (who gives a shit honestly). Thought it was better that I didn't try to fly down or anything.

Yeah, well. I'm trying not to make a big stink about it. They thought they made the right decision, and it can't be undone. I feel like dad should have known, I thought he felt the same way when we put Tootsie down, but I guess not. And it's not like I can ask them to do something differently 'next time' - there will never be a next time. I guess I should have been more explicit, about what I wanted them to do. But I don't think I myself knew until it happened. I knew she would die, I didn't know it was coming that soon, but I knew it was coming soon. I was ready in some ways but not in others. I hadn't thought out the details. I hadn't realized that I wanted to be there, that I wanted to hold her for her last minutes.

But I hadn't seen her for months. I never said goodbye.

And she was my girl.

I carried her home, I fed her under the table, I told her everything, we had all our secret places, she slept in my bed for 11 years.

I should have been told. I should have had the choice. I should have been there.

I wish she could have had her mommy come home, one last time. 

I held her all the way home, and I wish I could have held her, at the end of all things. 

I wish I could have sung her one last lullaby. 

Last night, I sang to her, into the darkness, thousands of miles away and days too late.

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold on to this lullaby
Even when the music's gone

Sure, this way was 'easier'. But it wasn't right. Tidbit deserved better from her mommy...

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