Somebody to Love You

We go out to fold up the pool cover for the summer. It's sunny and hot. Not sunny and hot enough to do fun things like swim, just enough to make you uncomfortable and squinty and wish you had sunscreen. I'm kneeling bare legged in the grass and the itchies are crawling up their smooth shaved surfaces and making me want to scratch like crazy. The parents are playing music.

You need a job so you can make some money
You need a nice warm place to stay
A sense of humor cuz life is funny
A big stick to keep the wolves away
You need a car with good tires on it
And a right place to eat bar-b-que
A heavy duty set of jumper cables
No holes in your walkin shoes
The main thing you going to find you need
A fertile place to plant the seed

My dad's working with the hose and it goes through the fence and pins me against the ivy covered hill in my attempt to stay dry. Mom sits there in her swimsuit drinking drink of the day and she's in a good mood. "It's summer!" She yells. Thanks for noticing.

You got to find somebody to love you
Someone who’ll be there for you night and day
Someone to share it with, and be part of you
Love ain’t no good until you give it away
You’ve got to give it away

She's been a pill lately. Asking me why I couldn't have grown a few more inches. Telling me I might have to go to plus sizes in the children section if we can't find more size zeroes. The irony of a 90 pound plus size should amuse me, but she treats it like something to be ashamed of, like a punishment.

I recommend you get some life insurance
Be prepared to dial 911
Pay close attention to your high blood pressure
Stay away from the man with the gun
You need a reason to get up in the morning
Be sure your clocks got a snooze control
Be sure you got a place to run for cover now
Over night things can sure get cold
You going to find out sooner or later
You need a common denominator

She tells me I have no good friends, never will. She says she wonders why I'm thin and pretty and funny and not even as selfish as I used to be and yet I have no friends. Well, I have lots of friends. Just no real close ones. No friends like the type she had in high school, that she still hops down to Memphis with occasionally. Then she tells me I have to dumb down if I want friends.

You got to find somebody to love you
Someone who’ll be there for you night and day
Someone to share it with, and be part of you
Love ain’t no good until you give it away
You’ve got to give it away

I'm forced to consider the fact that her insults may be no sharper than before; it may simply be that I was once too strong to let them get to me. But that leaves me weak and vulnerable, and it's so self perpetuating. Stian, Tootsie, Mom, Finals. All in a deadly row. I keep trying to get on top of it. I know that someday, maybe in college, I'll find a place I belong. A place where I'm not only accepted, but wanted. But it seems a long way off sometimes.