Don't be that one.
I saw what you wrote. It's almost funny that
there's this total lack of communication
between the two of us.
But for now, understand
that the gap between the two of us
is just too great.
I can't feel you anymore. And it's been
Years since I really have.
But don't be that one.
I only said half of those things.
I meant what I said, and nothing else.
And none of it... none of it had anything to do with me.
I want these things for you.
Don't be me.
Don't be what I deserve.
Be what you deserve to be...
Or, at least,
Be something.
Be someone.
Do something.
Vivi.
You're groping for depth.
What you achieve is repetition.
You're a broken record.
What I want for you is this - break out of it.
Recognize that you control yourself,
you control your own future, your own life.
No one else. Not me. Never
blame me or thank me,
it's your choice.
Take it.
Vivi.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
You're right, I won't regret
I'm done with saying sorry
I've lived that part of my existence.
What you don't seem to realize,
is you can't refuse a choice.
If you wait too long,
Time makes the choice for you.
Don't let it happen.
Don't be that one.
Vivi.
December 21, 2008
Scar Tissue
I guess most people are surprised to hear that when they exert themselves, what happens is that their muscles tear, microscopically, and that it is the rebuilding of these muscles that gives definition and greater size. What is comes down to is this - strength is scar tissue.
It works the same way with the heart. And this is how the heart grows, breaking again and again, in lesser ways or greater ways, and rebuilding.
It wasn't more than two months ago that my family brought Tidbit up to Mizzou, and Jorge and Mayumi and I went out to play with her, and chase her around. The sun was bright and warm and the leaves were still green on the trees. Tidbit dashed around through those that had already fallen and Mayumi laughed.
I feel old, because I am a different person than I was then. I was a different person then than I was last summer. And last summer I was a different person than I was at graduation.
And the difference is scar tissue.
It works the same way with the heart. And this is how the heart grows, breaking again and again, in lesser ways or greater ways, and rebuilding.
It wasn't more than two months ago that my family brought Tidbit up to Mizzou, and Jorge and Mayumi and I went out to play with her, and chase her around. The sun was bright and warm and the leaves were still green on the trees. Tidbit dashed around through those that had already fallen and Mayumi laughed.
I feel old, because I am a different person than I was then. I was a different person then than I was last summer. And last summer I was a different person than I was at graduation.
And the difference is scar tissue.
December 19, 2008
Like a Handprint On My Heart
At thirty degrees, it feels so nice outside. Almost balmy. The cold doesn't scape at exposed extremities immediately, and my coat is completely adequate as protection from the wind.
Laura and I went to take the last final. Other Laura joined us, and then Cornell did as well, as the lecture hall had pretty well filled up. They were both sick and making rhino-esque noises, but it's that time of year. And with that final, an end was come to the Study Abroad FIG at the University of Missouri.
But I was also thinking about Lucia. She's on her way to Chile now for the holidays. I thought about her and on my walk home alone, I didn't bother to put on my gloves, so the wind started biting at them. I pulled out the scarf Lucia made me. It still smells a little bit like her.
I thought of the wall that stands even now in the high school cafeteria, where we all made our hand prints with silver or blue paint. Brooke painted our hands, and Stephanie and Lucia and I went to make our marks side by side, and not far away from Rachel, Lisa, Wendy, Gwen, Sara, or the others. It's customary to have a quote, and our year's quote was this:
"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart."
It's something of a miracle that brings two people together at all, much less with enough force that they have the chance to become friends. And so, I'm grateful that an East Coast free spirit with a poet inside of her and a deep heart from South America were both brought to me by fate. I'm grateful.
Liisa, too, spoke of this coincidence. She didn't know, she said, whether I believed in such things as coincidences, but she was grateful for what brought us together, what prompted her, three years ago, to send a message to an elindomiel on penpal.net. She didn't know whether I believed in coincidence, and I smiled at the way the ordinary order of things was reversed. I don't myself know whether I believe in fate or in coincidence. Both seem equally impossible, and equally amazing.
I buried my face in soft Chilean wool and closed my eyes. Words came unbidden to my mind from an old poem I read once. I think of Stephanie and Lucia and Liisa and Rachel and all the others. This poem, this prayer, is a promise and a burial.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"
- E. E. Cummings
Laura and I went to take the last final. Other Laura joined us, and then Cornell did as well, as the lecture hall had pretty well filled up. They were both sick and making rhino-esque noises, but it's that time of year. And with that final, an end was come to the Study Abroad FIG at the University of Missouri.
But I was also thinking about Lucia. She's on her way to Chile now for the holidays. I thought about her and on my walk home alone, I didn't bother to put on my gloves, so the wind started biting at them. I pulled out the scarf Lucia made me. It still smells a little bit like her.
I thought of the wall that stands even now in the high school cafeteria, where we all made our hand prints with silver or blue paint. Brooke painted our hands, and Stephanie and Lucia and I went to make our marks side by side, and not far away from Rachel, Lisa, Wendy, Gwen, Sara, or the others. It's customary to have a quote, and our year's quote was this:
"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart."
It's something of a miracle that brings two people together at all, much less with enough force that they have the chance to become friends. And so, I'm grateful that an East Coast free spirit with a poet inside of her and a deep heart from South America were both brought to me by fate. I'm grateful.
Liisa, too, spoke of this coincidence. She didn't know, she said, whether I believed in such things as coincidences, but she was grateful for what brought us together, what prompted her, three years ago, to send a message to an elindomiel on penpal.net. She didn't know whether I believed in coincidence, and I smiled at the way the ordinary order of things was reversed. I don't myself know whether I believe in fate or in coincidence. Both seem equally impossible, and equally amazing.
I buried my face in soft Chilean wool and closed my eyes. Words came unbidden to my mind from an old poem I read once. I think of Stephanie and Lucia and Liisa and Rachel and all the others. This poem, this prayer, is a promise and a burial.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"
- E. E. Cummings
December 18, 2008
Fun Finnish Facts
The forms of a single noun in Finnish:
http://www.ling.helsinki.fi/~fkarlsso/genkau2.html
Verbal suffixes are extremely diverse; several frequentatives and momentanes differentiating causative, volitional-unpredictable and anticausative are found, often combined with each other, often denoting indirection. For example, hypätä "to jump", hyppiä "to be jumping", hypeksiä "to be jumping wantonly", hypäyttää "to make someone jump once", hyppyyttää "to make someone jump repeatedly" (or "to boss someone around"), hyppyytyttää "to make someone to cause a third person to jump repeatedly", hyppyytellä "to, without aim, make someone jump repeatedly", hypähtää "to jump suddenly" (in anticausative meaning), hypellä "to jump around repeatedly", hypiskellä "to be jumping repeatedly and wantonly", hyppimättä "without jumping", hyppelemättä "without jumping around". Often the diversity and compactness of this agglutination is illustrated with juoksentelisinkohan "I wonder if I should run around aimlessly".
Thanks for the laughs, Wikipedia! :D
http://www.ling.helsinki.fi/~fkarlsso/genkau2.html
Verbal suffixes are extremely diverse; several frequentatives and momentanes differentiating causative, volitional-unpredictable and anticausative are found, often combined with each other, often denoting indirection. For example, hypätä "to jump", hyppiä "to be jumping", hypeksiä "to be jumping wantonly", hypäyttää "to make someone jump once", hyppyyttää "to make someone jump repeatedly" (or "to boss someone around"), hyppyytyttää "to make someone to cause a third person to jump repeatedly", hyppyytellä "to, without aim, make someone jump repeatedly", hypähtää "to jump suddenly" (in anticausative meaning), hypellä "to jump around repeatedly", hypiskellä "to be jumping repeatedly and wantonly", hyppimättä "without jumping", hyppelemättä "without jumping around". Often the diversity and compactness of this agglutination is illustrated with juoksentelisinkohan "I wonder if I should run around aimlessly".
Thanks for the laughs, Wikipedia! :D
Political Science Final Cramming
Mayumi and I keep working silently and relatively efficiently at studying this ridiculous textbook for our final tomorrow. I've read over 200 pages today. I'm going to stop reading crude pages and start focusing on studying key terms and powerpoints at 7. Bahhhhh.... This is terrible. It's so uninteresting. And...
The basics, the fundamentals... what we might remember.... if put into multiple choice format, it becomes a matter for common sense. They could test us by essay if they were so inclined. But they're not. So they test us on little nitpicky specifics. Dates, and names from examples they tossed out casually in class. I guess this is what it means to have to study something you don't want to... XD
The basics, the fundamentals... what we might remember.... if put into multiple choice format, it becomes a matter for common sense. They could test us by essay if they were so inclined. But they're not. So they test us on little nitpicky specifics. Dates, and names from examples they tossed out casually in class. I guess this is what it means to have to study something you don't want to... XD
This Isn't My Style
The room is still too warm. I'm drinking cheap passionfruit juice from concentrate.
The conflict is still killing me. The drama is giving me a headache, is what it's doing.
This isn't my style.
This isn't what I DO.
Sensitivity and Relativity are two words I think a lot of people could learn right now.
Ah, I'm being a hypocrite, aren't I? I played all of these games in my own time.
That was three years ago for some of them, more than five for others.
I'm over it. I want to move on.
Don't you know, the jokes are funny sometimes, but not when they hurt.
Why can you offend in the name of humour, but heaven forbid we do the same?
Why do we have to choose sides?
Is there any other way I can respond to your voice other than to throw myself into your arms?
What is it you want? What is your best case scenario?
I've got one more final. I've done well so far. A few more hours of reading a poorly written, unpublished textbook, highlighting, drinking this unearthly orange liquid and letting Scandinavian music fill this hot room with a feverish tempo.
God, we need this break...
The conflict is still killing me. The drama is giving me a headache, is what it's doing.
This isn't my style.
This isn't what I DO.
Sensitivity and Relativity are two words I think a lot of people could learn right now.
Ah, I'm being a hypocrite, aren't I? I played all of these games in my own time.
That was three years ago for some of them, more than five for others.
I'm over it. I want to move on.
Don't you know, the jokes are funny sometimes, but not when they hurt.
Why can you offend in the name of humour, but heaven forbid we do the same?
Why do we have to choose sides?
Is there any other way I can respond to your voice other than to throw myself into your arms?
What is it you want? What is your best case scenario?
I've got one more final. I've done well so far. A few more hours of reading a poorly written, unpublished textbook, highlighting, drinking this unearthly orange liquid and letting Scandinavian music fill this hot room with a feverish tempo.
God, we need this break...
Life is Holistic
Why is there so much joy?
Why is there so much pain?
And that most fundamental of questions...
Why is there something, instead of nothing?
I find myself amazed by both the finiteness and infiniteness of the human experience on this world. The sounds of all the languages are like music to me.
The line between the unique and rare and the utterly fundamental is blurry.
I think that the reason everything seems to blend together is this: Life is holistic.
The room is too hot, so I'm thinking strange things.
I'm thinking about all the things I would say if I knew I was dying.
I'm thinking about the different attitudes people take towards their lives.
I admire those who would die for a cause, but those who say that life is cheap and that they don't mind putting a price on it... they make me shudder.
They make me shudder, because...
Because death is taboo.
In a museum once I read that death has become increasingly taboo as life expectancy rises.
Isn't that funny?
And my mother used to say, "I give you an inch, and you take a mile."
I think about the feeling of paint on the skin. Thick paint.
I used to think paint was just colour. I laughed that it could feel thick as mud on skin. Thick as mud and cool until it dries and stretches and cracks.
A synesthete once thought paint smelled blue. White paint drove her nuts.
Last night Richard was surprised that you could write on an eraser.
I remember discovering that soap could get dirty.
I think, that there's no difference.
I can identify my enemy at last: It is permanence.
I desire everything the same, to lose nothing. And nothing, nothing lasts...
Why is there something, instead of nothing? Why does something return to nothing?
Why is there so much pain?
And that most fundamental of questions...
Why is there something, instead of nothing?
I find myself amazed by both the finiteness and infiniteness of the human experience on this world. The sounds of all the languages are like music to me.
The line between the unique and rare and the utterly fundamental is blurry.
I think that the reason everything seems to blend together is this: Life is holistic.
The room is too hot, so I'm thinking strange things.
I'm thinking about all the things I would say if I knew I was dying.
I'm thinking about the different attitudes people take towards their lives.
I admire those who would die for a cause, but those who say that life is cheap and that they don't mind putting a price on it... they make me shudder.
They make me shudder, because...
Because death is taboo.
In a museum once I read that death has become increasingly taboo as life expectancy rises.
Isn't that funny?
And my mother used to say, "I give you an inch, and you take a mile."
I think about the feeling of paint on the skin. Thick paint.
I used to think paint was just colour. I laughed that it could feel thick as mud on skin. Thick as mud and cool until it dries and stretches and cracks.
A synesthete once thought paint smelled blue. White paint drove her nuts.
Last night Richard was surprised that you could write on an eraser.
I remember discovering that soap could get dirty.
I think, that there's no difference.
I can identify my enemy at last: It is permanence.
I desire everything the same, to lose nothing. And nothing, nothing lasts...
Why is there something, instead of nothing? Why does something return to nothing?
December 17, 2008
Elisabet og Elinborg
In "Mid Finals Checkup" I wrote about a breakthrough I had with Faroese. I thought you might want to hear the song that helped with that. It's a lovely song, though I have to giggle a bit when she says "lalalalalalala". :D It's quite exciting for me, because I'm actually at the point now where I listen to it, wondering whether normal English speakers really can't understand most of it! :P
Writing Stuff
Have I been writing? Yes and no.
I feel a strong urge to write right now, as I always do in periods of stress, when I have the least time to write. :D I actually have done a bit of planning on the fiction story that's been spinning around in my head for a few years, but I have a few major stumbling blocks I have to work through and decisions I have to make if I actually want to write it.
I've been working somewhat more steadily on writing down the memoirs of my trip last summer. I'm about halfway done with Costa Rica, as it stands. My goal is to finish Costa Rica over winter break. We'll see how that goes. :D
I feel a strong urge to write right now, as I always do in periods of stress, when I have the least time to write. :D I actually have done a bit of planning on the fiction story that's been spinning around in my head for a few years, but I have a few major stumbling blocks I have to work through and decisions I have to make if I actually want to write it.
I've been working somewhat more steadily on writing down the memoirs of my trip last summer. I'm about halfway done with Costa Rica, as it stands. My goal is to finish Costa Rica over winter break. We'll see how that goes. :D
Crossroads
I have a job offer for next semester. It's the job I wanted for next year - I would essentially be a floor supervisor in exchange for free room and board. That's a lot of money. And the position would look great on my resume. Next year, I would also be able to teach a small freshman class, which would look even better and help me get my first bit of teaching experience.
But they want me for next semester, and that changes everything. It feels fundamentally wrong, to start with. I'm a Freshman, after all! Freshman aren't supposed to supervise other Freshman. I'm not going to say I've been dodging the rulemakers this semester, but my friends have, and I've turned the other direction without a second thought. To hold that status for a single semester, only to swiftly switch sides and supervise my own classmates - it's strange. Which is why they don't offer the position to Freshmen except in cases of dire need.
But here I am. Most of the advantages of having the job next year would remain. Additionally, taking the position for next semester would almost guarantee that I would get it for next year, although it will be a more competitive selection process then. It's a lot of money. And there's a chance that I'll be put into the Journalism community, in which I've been wanting to meet some people. But change always has a price. In this case, I would have to leave.
I would have to leave Mayumi, my dear roommate. I would have to leave Pangaea, which by all accounts has the best community feeling anywhere on campus. I would have to leave all of this which has been expected and is loved, and go into complete uncertainty. Could I still come hang out here in Laws? Well, of course I could. Except for the fact that I'll be taking 18 credit hours, holding a pretty difficult job (especially for a Freshman), and, with any luck, be making some new friends.
I'll probably keep my relationships with the Laura's and with Tabitha, and even with Tom and Peter and Clint, such as they are. But other things will never be the same, and there's no use pretending that they will be. When I'm in Laws, I'll be a good half mile from my 'home'. I'll never feel that same camaraderie when we all go down to Dobbs in our resigned sort of way. I'll never do my laundry here again. I may cook here... once. Or twice. It won't be the same.
And Mayumi... I'll never again help her with an English assignment. We'll never again make up our weekly lists of vocabulary for her to learn. My Japanese education, so soft and dear, the chattering of Japanese girls at all hours of day and night here in our room, my life in little Japan - it will end quite definitively. She'll have a new roommate, who I will see move into my room and take over where I left off. Either that, or she won't, she'll be horrid, and then I'll feel worse yet.
There are two counterarguments to these fears. The first is that I've already experienced all of these things, and a move would be a chance to experience more things. It's the argument I use for myself as I try to decide whether I want to spend a whole year abroad in a single place, or two semesters in different places. The second is that this would happen at the end of the year, just as it might happen now. But in each case, I would have gone in already knowing, and my heart would tie up loose strings. This just feels so abrupt.
I have some time to decide. I won't find out whether I even got the job until partway into January. And once I know, I can decide whether or not to accept the position. It may be partially determined by the community they want to put me in. If they want to put me in the Journalism community, for example, that would tip the scales towards taking the job. If they want to put me in engineering or education, on the other, that might tip the scales away from it.
Life's so full of difficult choices! :(
But they want me for next semester, and that changes everything. It feels fundamentally wrong, to start with. I'm a Freshman, after all! Freshman aren't supposed to supervise other Freshman. I'm not going to say I've been dodging the rulemakers this semester, but my friends have, and I've turned the other direction without a second thought. To hold that status for a single semester, only to swiftly switch sides and supervise my own classmates - it's strange. Which is why they don't offer the position to Freshmen except in cases of dire need.
But here I am. Most of the advantages of having the job next year would remain. Additionally, taking the position for next semester would almost guarantee that I would get it for next year, although it will be a more competitive selection process then. It's a lot of money. And there's a chance that I'll be put into the Journalism community, in which I've been wanting to meet some people. But change always has a price. In this case, I would have to leave.
I would have to leave Mayumi, my dear roommate. I would have to leave Pangaea, which by all accounts has the best community feeling anywhere on campus. I would have to leave all of this which has been expected and is loved, and go into complete uncertainty. Could I still come hang out here in Laws? Well, of course I could. Except for the fact that I'll be taking 18 credit hours, holding a pretty difficult job (especially for a Freshman), and, with any luck, be making some new friends.
I'll probably keep my relationships with the Laura's and with Tabitha, and even with Tom and Peter and Clint, such as they are. But other things will never be the same, and there's no use pretending that they will be. When I'm in Laws, I'll be a good half mile from my 'home'. I'll never feel that same camaraderie when we all go down to Dobbs in our resigned sort of way. I'll never do my laundry here again. I may cook here... once. Or twice. It won't be the same.
And Mayumi... I'll never again help her with an English assignment. We'll never again make up our weekly lists of vocabulary for her to learn. My Japanese education, so soft and dear, the chattering of Japanese girls at all hours of day and night here in our room, my life in little Japan - it will end quite definitively. She'll have a new roommate, who I will see move into my room and take over where I left off. Either that, or she won't, she'll be horrid, and then I'll feel worse yet.
There are two counterarguments to these fears. The first is that I've already experienced all of these things, and a move would be a chance to experience more things. It's the argument I use for myself as I try to decide whether I want to spend a whole year abroad in a single place, or two semesters in different places. The second is that this would happen at the end of the year, just as it might happen now. But in each case, I would have gone in already knowing, and my heart would tie up loose strings. This just feels so abrupt.
I have some time to decide. I won't find out whether I even got the job until partway into January. And once I know, I can decide whether or not to accept the position. It may be partially determined by the community they want to put me in. If they want to put me in the Journalism community, for example, that would tip the scales towards taking the job. If they want to put me in engineering or education, on the other, that might tip the scales away from it.
Life's so full of difficult choices! :(
December 15, 2008
Mid Finals Checkup
Last week I took my Psychology and Spanish finals. In both cases, I didn't feel as though I aced them - perhaps low A's, maybe high B's if I was unlucky - but then, my grades in those classes were pretty high, so I should get A's in both.
Today was the Geography final. I only needed a C+ to keep an A in the class, but unfortunately I estimate my grade as a mid B, so if it wasn't for the rumoured curve I would be worried about the possibility. There were a few questions that I thought were unfair, and as a whole I was angry, because for a test supposedly spanning all the Americas, almost 70% of the questions were for the U.S. - and that was the section I had studied the least! And two of the very few South American questions were trick questions. One was so badly written that I suspect/hope that it will be thrown off. The other...
I also finished my essay for Psychology today. It was alright, but not as good as my Spanish essay was. The thing is that I was really interested in my topic, synesthesia, so I wanted to give the essay everything I had, and I just didn't have the time or energy this week. But I had 100% in that class before the final and this essay, so I should be fine.
Now I have an Anthropology final tomorrow. I have 100% in the class, but I've slacked off for these chapters, so I need to study a bit tonight just to be super-safe.
The Political Science final, which I am most worried about, is on Friday. Luckily I have the whole week, almost, to study for that.
In other news...
1.) I 'modelled' on Friday. My pictures will be put in the various posters and brochures that they use next year to try to get people to live in the dorms. :D That's kind of fun!
2.) I think I have a pretty good chance of getting this one job for next year. More on that later - and my interview is tomorrow!
3.) Tonight I had a breakthrough of sorts with Faroese. I haven't really touched it for a while, because life was busy and I knew I'd have more time over break. But at dinner tonight, a Faroese song was in my head, and I found myself translating lines I hadn't understood before. When I came in, I listened to a new song - Elisabet og Elinborg - and I found myself understanding about 80% of the song! What was really strange is that I also understood about 70% of what she says before she sings, which, as it turns out, is actually in Icelandic! :D I think I've gained a level...
Today was the Geography final. I only needed a C+ to keep an A in the class, but unfortunately I estimate my grade as a mid B, so if it wasn't for the rumoured curve I would be worried about the possibility. There were a few questions that I thought were unfair, and as a whole I was angry, because for a test supposedly spanning all the Americas, almost 70% of the questions were for the U.S. - and that was the section I had studied the least! And two of the very few South American questions were trick questions. One was so badly written that I suspect/hope that it will be thrown off. The other...
I also finished my essay for Psychology today. It was alright, but not as good as my Spanish essay was. The thing is that I was really interested in my topic, synesthesia, so I wanted to give the essay everything I had, and I just didn't have the time or energy this week. But I had 100% in that class before the final and this essay, so I should be fine.
Now I have an Anthropology final tomorrow. I have 100% in the class, but I've slacked off for these chapters, so I need to study a bit tonight just to be super-safe.
The Political Science final, which I am most worried about, is on Friday. Luckily I have the whole week, almost, to study for that.
In other news...
1.) I 'modelled' on Friday. My pictures will be put in the various posters and brochures that they use next year to try to get people to live in the dorms. :D That's kind of fun!
2.) I think I have a pretty good chance of getting this one job for next year. More on that later - and my interview is tomorrow!
3.) Tonight I had a breakthrough of sorts with Faroese. I haven't really touched it for a while, because life was busy and I knew I'd have more time over break. But at dinner tonight, a Faroese song was in my head, and I found myself translating lines I hadn't understood before. When I came in, I listened to a new song - Elisabet og Elinborg - and I found myself understanding about 80% of the song! What was really strange is that I also understood about 70% of what she says before she sings, which, as it turns out, is actually in Icelandic! :D I think I've gained a level...
December 13, 2008
Polar Bear Plunge
I just jumped in the lake. Yes, I know it's December. :P I just really missed Finland.
Water Temperature = 37 degrees Fahrenheit/ 2 degrees Celsius
December 09, 2008
The Same Unbelievable Blue
"The Sky is still...
The same Unbelievable Blue..."
- The Nothing Man, Bruce Springsteen
The same Unbelievable Blue..."
- The Nothing Man, Bruce Springsteen
December 08, 2008
Just for Fun
Salve
Buongiorno/ Ciao
Bon Dia / Hola
Buenos Dias / Hola
Good Day / Hello
Guten Tag / Hallo
God Dag / Hei
Góðan Dag / Hallo
Hyvää Päivää / Terve
Konnichiwa
Vale
Arrivederci / Ciao
Adéu
Adios
Goodbye
Auf Wiedersehen / Tschüß Ha Det Bra
Farvæl
Näkemiin / Hei Hei
Sayonara / Ja Ne
Quid est nomen tuum?
Come ti chiami?
Com et dius?
¿Como te llamas?
What is your name?
Wie heißt du? Hva heter du?
Hvussu eitur tú?
Mikä nimesi on?
Anata no namae wa nan desu ka?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Non intellego
Non capisco
No ho entenc
No entiendo
I don’t understand
Ich verstehe nicht Jeg forstår ikke
Eg skilji ikki
En ymmärrä
Wakarimasen
From "Overheard at Mizzou"
These are all things that have been, well, 'overheard at Mizzou'.
From the Facebook Group.
From the Facebook Group.
Preacher: You don't believe in God.
Guy: Oh really? You know me well enough to make that assessment?
Preacher: Of course, I know everything about you.
Guy: Then please, tell me my parent's names, where I'm from, my birthday.
Preacher: Hold on. (Starts staring off to the sky)
Guy: (After about 15 seconds) Exactly, you don't have a fucking clue.
Preacher: Hold on, I'm getting it from God now. Your father's name is... Beelzebub. Your mother's name... Jezebel.
Daughter: I feel like such a whore because he cheated on his girlfriend with me
Mom: well it's not cheating if you just kiss so you're fine
Daughter: No mom we dont just kiss, we have dirty sex and now i am a whore
Mom: (gives daughter a hug) you are not a whore baby and im always proud of you
A random girl talking on her cell phone:
Girl: "I'm flying all the way over there to have sex with him."
*pause*
"I think it's called Greenland or Iceland. Something to do with land in the name."
Girl to employee: "I want to be like a devil for Halloween, do you have any of those?"
Girl's friend: "Why are you getting all excited about this, it's only for one night. You act like you're going to a birthday party or something."
Guy: "Dude, my biggest fear is that I'm gonna be so high at the polls tomorrow that I accidentally vote for McCain!"
A girl in a nutrition class.... "..How did you know I wasn't wearing underwear? Everytime I come into this class you two always judge me!!"
Two girls down the hall:
Girl 1: Is he gay?
Girl 2: Yeah, he's gay.
Girl 1: Well he touch me in a lot of places that were NOT gay.
Lady in Memorial: "I need a new ringtone. Mine is currently set to migrating whales, but it's so low-pitched I can hardly hear it."
Girl in Eva J's, "At least she talk proper."
My friend responds under his breath, "But you don't."
Said by the same person who was serious:
1) "Hey guys, this is the best age of our lives. It's even in the word....Call Age.(college)"
2) "I traveled the world this summer, man, I traveled the world."
Me: "Where did you go?"
after much prying, "Colorado and Chicago"
3) "How much credit card debt do you have?
Me: "I don't have a credit card."
"You're loaded, man, you never told me you were loaded."
I had no words
4) "See, if we go into a depression, then you only have the cash you have in your hand, and I can get thirty thousand dollars through my credit cards and banks."
Me: "If we are in a depression, the banks and credit card companies probably won't have any money to give you and you would be left with.....the money in your hand."
5) "What are you up to?"
Me: "I'm working alot."
"Your company is loaded, man."
Me: "I don't work for a company, I word at a lab on campus."
after thinking for a second, "I meant like when your mom says, 'We're having company over for dinner'"
At the parade Saturday morning. Said in complete seriousness.
Girl 1: What are you doing?
Girl 2: I'm in the parade!
Girl 1: I didn't know you were in the parade!
Girl 2: Yeah, I'm in the parade!
(girl on the phone w her mom)
"mom I'm not going to be like you and use a guy as a tool to just pump out babies"
"Hey, look over there, it looks like the Magic Kingdom!"
Someone's dad said that while pointing to Memorial Union while walking near Brady Commons.
Girl in class, doodling corndogs on her paper:
"Wouldn't it be awesome if you could eat whatever you draw?"
In an econ class the professor is gone for a week to a conference in Zurich and the following conversation took place:
Girl 1: Where's Zurich? Is that in Missouri?
Girl 2: Um no...it's in Switzerland.
About 30 seconds later...
Girl 1: Shit, you know someone probably heard this and is going to put it on Overheard at Mizzou
In Brady Commons:
Sorority 1:and then we saw some flowers and everyone was like gross.
Sorority2: Flowers aren't gross.
Sorority1: but these ones were like carnivirous
"And then I was like 'Justin, dude. Put DOWN the saltshaker and get the fork out of your ass.'"
Man in speaker's circle today:
"I've had sex between 1000 and 1500 times with the same woman, and NO STDs!"
In class, "Yeah I gave blood yesterday and I don't have any red blood cells left, but it was worth it cause I saved three people." responded by "Oh really, who did you save?"
guy:" yeah so that's how my grandpa got herpes"
other people at the table: "oh, man, oh wow, aw man.." lol
In Bengal Lair:
Girl 1: "I'm gonna dye my hair a primary color for Halloween!"
Girl 2: "Ooh! What color?!"
Girl 1: "Pink! Or Brown!"
Girl: Shoot man you is dumb
Guy: Nah I jus didn't try real good
Girl: Hows about I tutor yo ass?
my housemate at 3am, working on her h/work for her 8am class the next day:
*coloring furiously*
'I can't help it, they gave me a French workbook with blank people in it...I can't help it!'
"yeah, i'm a level 23 warlock."
Girl 1: So are you going to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?
Girl 2: No, I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend tonight.
Girl 1: You whore.
Two blond girls walking up the stairs at Pi Kap on friday night:
girl 1: they're just jealous because we have blonde hair
girl 2: i know, i mean our hair is pretty and blonde and their's is ugly, it's like the color of poop
1: So have you cheated on your girlfriend yet?
2: No, I could have 3 times, but I put it all on the line for her
1: Why didn't you cheat on her dude? You've cheated on all your other girlfriends?
2: I didn't cheat on Jody
1: You weren't fucking Jody
2: I only dated her for like a week I didn't even like her
1: I'd still cheat
2: It's different this time...
at my work, two older (as in late 30s, early 40s) men talking:
guy 1: ...yeah, I guess as long as it doesn't bother me, I odn't care
guy 2: yeah, my daughter lives in mark twain, so it won't bother her.
guy 1: oh, really? my daughter lives on campus, too.
guy 2: i wonder if they're friends
guy 1: oh, i can check! i have my daughter's facebook password. she doesn't know...but it's how i keep up on her life.
guy 2: oh....
guy 1: yeah...man, you should see her roommates....oooohhh-eee (as in a damn, those girls are fine voice).
Girl in Memorial union
"we broke up because he did not take me to Applebees."
"...So are spiders extinct?"
This must be prefaced by noting that the following quote was spoken a guy in a GEOLOGY class:
"Wait, are we doing rocks AGAIN today?"
Guy on phone near chipotle this afternoon: "dude, you asked her to marry you? wow! i can't believe it!"
*pauses while dude on phone replies
guy on phone: "wait....you asked her while she was on her FUCKING PERIOD!?! are you STUPID?!?"
*dude on phone says something
guy on phone: "yeah, well, you better hope you get some later after buying her that huge ring"
"Cuff me up! I like that freaky shit!"
GIRL "hey are you english??"
Steven "yes i am"
GIRL "so what language do you speak in England, french???"
Walking towards the bookstore I had two girls going over some terribly easy test.
Girl one, reading test and answers: Water is an example of: An element, a molecule, a compound. I put molecule.
Girl two: I put element. H2O, it's on the Periodic Table of Elements. It's an element.
"Dude, have you ever thought of sticking your mouth under the and sanitizer dispenser? That's like, pure alcohol!"
Right... What is a Pronoun, Again?
From an online Italian course:
Pronouns. Pronouns (io, tu, Lei, egli, ella, noi, voi, essi, and loro) aren't anything that you can actually use yet, because I haven't given you any verbs. But as we progress, pronouns will be very important, so I'm introducing them now. The Italian pronouns are used almost always exactly the same way they are in English. In English, you would say
In Italian, you would just substitute io for I in the sentence above (we'll pretend that the rest of the sentence is really in Italian) and end up with
- I went to the store.
Trust me, how one uses these pronouns will make much more sense when we learn some verbs.
- Io went to the store.
December 07, 2008
Words for Speak in Faroese
siga sí. boða, greiða frá, ljóða, merkja ® blíðtosa, braska, dundra, flyta, gita, gretta, hálvsiga, inna, kjafta, kvetta, kvøtta, láta, lesa, mála, málfara, mæla, nevna, orða, orðbera, orðfella, orðleiða, práta, róla, røða, smápráta, snakka, spikka, spráka, spreka, tala, tosa, umrøða, umtala, umtosa, úttala bera, flyta, føra, siga fram; bera upp á mál; drepa av munninum; drepa, drúpa, drýpa burtur úr munni; fáa av munni; fáa fram úr sær; fáa kroyst út úr andlitinum; fáa málið fyri seg (aftur); fáa orðið fyri seg, upp,; fáa sagt; fella orð; flyta fram; geva ljóð frá sær; gita á máli; halda fyri, uppá; hava á lofti, máli, munni, orði; hava frammi; hava, mæla fyri munni; hava orðið; hava til umrøðu; hava upp á mál; inna um e-t; koma til orðanna; koma upp úr ein(s)mansljóði (við e-n); kroysta burtur úr sær, upp úr sær, fram, út úr andlitinum, gronini; lata av munni, út av munninum; lata av tungu falla; lata so orðum byrja, falla, fara; láta at; lesa hart, raðið, upp; málbera, orðbera, orðføra seg; nema, nerta við e-t; snakka, tosa lunguni upp í skúm; snúgva sínum orðum; spikka t.e. tosa enskt; taka til; taka til orða(nna); tala harðliga; tiva burtur úr sær; tosa blandingsmál, gøtudanskt, hálvbrotið; tosa í svøvni; tosa um eitt og annað, leyst og fast, líkt og ólíkt, mangt og hvat; tosa uppií; umrøða, umtala e-t gleppa e-m av munni berast e-m fyri munni; bresta út úr e-m; detta e-m um varrar; detta, gleppa, leypa e-m av munni; gleppa út úr e-m; leypa fram úr e-m; q e-m er sigandi; tá letur í honum... tað liggur á tunguni e-t sipar e-m fyri munni; e-r er um at, ætlar at siga e-t; tað liggur (mær) á tunguni; tað mundi lopið mær út úr munninum; tað sipar mær fyri munni; tað skipast fyri munni mínum halda røðu røða, tala flyta (fram) røðu; halda talu; lesa upp; røða um; siga frá samráðast fundast, kjakast, málfara, ráðagera, ráðaleggja, ráðast, ráðleggja, tinga, tingast ganga saman í ráð; gera ætlan um e-t; halda, hava fund, kjakfund; halda, hava samráðingar (um e-t); halda krákuting, ting; halda skipsráð; hava kjak um e-t; leggja ráð saman, leggja saman ráð; leggja samráð við e-n; leggja upp ráð; samráðast, tingast við e-n um e-t; sita, vera í samráðingum; sita við samráðingarborð; taka til umhugsanar, umrøðu; viðgera e-t siga við e-n bera orð við e-n; bera, siga e-m (sum) tíðindi; leita ráð við e-n; orða e-t við e-n; tala á, til, við e-n tosa saman kjaftast, kjakast, málfara, orðskiftast, samrøða eiga orðum saman; fáa e-n í tal; fáa orð á e-n; fáa sær eitt prát við e-n; finna e-n á máli; finna e-n til máls; hava fund, pallborðsfund o.fl.; koma á tal við e-n; koma til orða við e-n; práta, røða, tala, tosa við e-n (um e-t); práta, tosa o.fl. (saman); rópa, tosa hvør í holið á øðrum; sita í skjaldri; skifta orð (við e-n) (um e-t); tala saman; umrøða, umtala e-t « endurtaka, greiða frá, málnýtsla, møsna, prædika, reypa, rødd, skeldast, svara, telefonera, tesk, teska, tos, tosa óskilliga, tungumál ¹ tiga
Japanese Words
Me: "Sakana No Ko" means "Fish Child"!
Mayumi: Yes! You are Japanese person!
Me: I know every Japanese word.
Mayumi: What is "Muramura Suru"
Me: Easy. "Throw into a Priapic Frenzy"
And so it is.
Mayumi: Yes! You are Japanese person!
Me: I know every Japanese word.
Mayumi: What is "Muramura Suru"
Me: Easy. "Throw into a Priapic Frenzy"
And so it is.
8 Year Old Birthday Party
To celebrate Tabitha's birthday, we made a fort under the lounge stairs with towels and blankets, and then played traditional party games like Truth or Dare. Mostly we did Truths, which are kind of lame after the first round, but Laura T. took a dare and we made her go outside the tent and do the Chicken Dance. No one other than the four of us had any earthly idea of what we were doing, so it was pretty amusing.
Our status in the dorm might have taken a hit, but it was fun anyways. I tried out for a future career as a contortionist by squeezing myself into the fort through an alternate path: through the bars of the staircase railing, and then immediately down against the wall and into the fort. Classic. I was all the way through the tricky parts (and there were some tricky parts), and had only my head to go. Fitting my head through is easy because all I have to do is turn it to the side, but right then Laura T. jumped out and said, "Boo!" and I pulled down quickly, skinning my knee on the step. XD Oww....
Our status in the dorm might have taken a hit, but it was fun anyways. I tried out for a future career as a contortionist by squeezing myself into the fort through an alternate path: through the bars of the staircase railing, and then immediately down against the wall and into the fort. Classic. I was all the way through the tricky parts (and there were some tricky parts), and had only my head to go. Fitting my head through is easy because all I have to do is turn it to the side, but right then Laura T. jumped out and said, "Boo!" and I pulled down quickly, skinning my knee on the step. XD Oww....
December 06, 2008
Meriadoc Took
MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK and PEREGRIN TOOK people...
Okay, so their similar enough as... presences... in the LOTR movies that I wouldn't bring the hammer down on any individual's head for confusing them.
But it kills me a little inside that if you start typing Meriadoc into Google, Meriadoc Took shows up as a common search thing. ;_;
And I also found this:
http://film.guardian.co.uk/pictures/image/0,8545,-10204534782,00.html
It goes a bit too far once or twice, but Teehee. XD
Okay, so their similar enough as... presences... in the LOTR movies that I wouldn't bring the hammer down on any individual's head for confusing them.
But it kills me a little inside that if you start typing Meriadoc into Google, Meriadoc Took shows up as a common search thing. ;_;
And I also found this:
http://film.guardian.co.uk/pictures/image/0,8545,-10204534782,00.html
It goes a bit too far once or twice, but Teehee. XD
It.
Okay, so, now I'm going to write about it.
Over the break I got half hearted responses, and I felt the N part of my personality respond to it. But after all, it was online, I told myself I couldn't trust such things. (As I did with Stian and with Layla... :P)
Monday was sort of the same, but in real life, and with new excuses like being busy and being confused. But I thought of other things, and it was okay.
Tuesday was more of the same, so I started getting a bit annoyed, though I had effectively repressed any real suspicions. Instead I went for a long, long walk which was amazing. I went to a meeting about being a PA for next year, and on the way home I was captivated by the beauty of Stankowksi Field. The branches of the trees were all glimmering. The light pollution was such that not a single star could be seen, but instead the inky deep black-blue of the sky was like velvet, and the huge spotlights over the field looked as if they had been set into this sky like so many moons. In addition, I had my iPod, and I felt very moved and affected by music just then, so I felt sad when I came to the end of the field, and decided to go around again.
And again, and again. It was cold out, with the season's first measurably snowfall dusting everything in sight, but there was no ice on the streets. There weren't so many people out that it was noisy or chaotic, but enough that I felt safe wandering alone after dark. And I went again and again and felt warmer and warmer, so that I kept taking off layers, until finally I was walking in just a t-shirt, and feeling so strong and confidant, like I was glowing - amazed by the beauty and power of the music and the nature/human landscape around me.
I was so relaxed that I fell into that surreal state of understanding. Don't misunderstand, it was nothing mystical. I didn't suddenly understand all tongues, or even know any words that had never been exposed to. But everything I did know about the languages I was listening to on my iPod (even things I was barely aware that I knew, that I had perhaps seen in a movie or something similar) came together in an almost magical way. Spanish I understood, but that's getting to be fairly common. The first unusual one was Italian, which leapt the gap between Spanish and itself to where I understood it just as well. Then Norwegian and German came to me at close to 95%, making huge leaps to figure out words I normally couldn't decipher at such speeds. Finnish and Japanese offered up a lot more than usual, almost a word per sentence. Then, Russian... I understood a word of Russian, despite only actively knowing 3 words (Hello, Goodbye, Thank You), and having had very limited exposure to it (two or three episodes of a mini series on Youtube, people chattering some in my dorm). Still, one phrase was repeated in the mini series, in isolation, with subtitles. And this word was in the song, and jumped out at me BLAZING.
Two phenomenon that I sometimes experience with languages indicate very different things about the state of my mind. If I am mixing languages together in my mind, it means I am stressed or distressed. :P Similar, if you think about it that way. On the other hand, when they present themselves to me in such clarity, I am in such a clear, calm, contented mood. Not to say joyful, just calm and content, letting things come into my mind without a lot of emotional thought to interrupt it. I think it's where you're supposed to get with meditation, but I wouldn't know. A man asked me if I was cold. I just laughed. I felt above cold or heat.
But when I got back to the dorm room, I realized that my arms were pretty well frozen, and they burned as the feeling came back into them. Smart...
Wednesday. Things came to a head. Wednesday is when Jorge and I go to Noodles. I texted him to ask him if he was coming, since he had been so busy lately. I got no answer, but then he came and seemed surprised that I was there (must not have had his phone with him). We ate together, but conversation was kind of subdued. I wanted to talk to him about the night before, or Thanksgiving, or what was bothering him, but there was something invisible between us. Afterwards I made as if to kiss him and he kissed me on the forehead. I felt very troubled, but I made one last attempt to externalize, since I internalize too much, and thought, well, what do I know of how Jorge handles stress? Or how much stress these last weeks are for international students?
But later that day in the dorm, we almost avoided each other. At one point we caught each other's eyes and a solemn look went between us. I gave him the shadow of a smile, which he returned. Once he came in and said something, that he was going to go do something, and I said, "What's troubling you, it's not only stress, is it?" But he dodged the question. Then I cooked Matzo Ball Soup and Beef and Broccoli and Fried Rice with Laura and Justin. I only mentioned that I was a bit unhappy because Jorge was troubled and wouldn't tell me what was happening. But I didn't mention that I had suspicions, because I was once again trying to discredit my intuition.
Then that night he came and he took a deep interest in some nonsense on my computer screen. I tried to be friendly and he sort of dodged that as he had dodged the question earlier. Then I said, "Well, are you going to tell me what's bothering you now?" He sighed. I knew that sigh. And then all of that. Well, he was as good about it as he could be (in the situation, and being male... a female could have handled it a bit better, of course. :P Or a lot worse!). And given his situation, it was the right thing to do. I would have done the same thing, and there was no good way for me to blame him for it.
But I was sad for me, and I cried and carried on for a little while, all sadness, no anger... which in a way is frustrating, because after all... why can't I ever have one of these normal break ups with a fight or something like that? :P What bothered me more than anything were the parallels that my mind constructed, quick as lightening, between these circumstances and the last, and those before that... In short order I decided that this was my curse, to always be a good friend but fail as romantic object... bah. Of course, in each case there was more at work...
I needed to talk to someone. No one was on. I called Lucia and her phone was turned off. A knock at the door, and I swear I heard Jorge's voice saying, "It's me". I swear. But it was Mayumi, who was kind and apologized for her bad English making it impossible to comfort me, and ordered me to bed. It was about 2 in the morning. I went to bed.
I woke up not feeling too well. I didn't think I could eat. I planned on going to class, because it was the class that matters most right now, but I checked my mail and saw that it was -9 celsius, and I knew I couldn't face both - weather and feelings, so I called Lucia instead and talked to her for some hours. She was as good as she could be, having not had any similar situations. That was the last time I cried. When she had to go to class, I got online and there was only Uni, who is a very nice guy, but doesn't know that much about my personal life, and anyways isn't the sort of friend that I should fall to crying. :P And I thought - I need someone who knows me, who I can talk to...
Who signs on but Stian himself. And I thought, "Ah, what a perverse way to answer my thought, I need anyone but him to admit to my failures (I was thinking weird then) to." So I didn't try to talk to him. But, guided by that strange force that has often compelled us to contact each other at strangely appropriate times, he messaged me. And I thought, "Alright, I'll talk to him to get my mind off of this, but I won't bring it up, because he started a relationship the same time I did (this was the last time we talked), and his is most likely going swimmingly." So I avoided the subjeect. But, guided by that strange force that has sometimes led me to believe in some sort of mind-reading ability, he volunteered the truth of his own romantic endeavors - utter failures, each and every one of them. So before long, I was telling him everything.
Isn't it funny... that when Stian broke up with me, I sought comfort in Austin, and when Jorge breaks up with me, I seek comfort in Stian? Oh dear, what's next? But Stian was surprisingly good about it. :) I was feeling pretty good and thinking about other things around 1, although I still wasn't hungry. But now I had to go to classes and some other commitments, so I prepared to leave. But suddenly I felt frightened, like I had somehow dissipated the bad energy in my dorm room, but more of it awaited me out in the cold. Stian told me to be brave, so I tied up my hair and went out into the world. The sky was a brilliant winter blue, and the cold positively embraced me, showering the negative images of kisses all over my exposed neck and ears. I walked and as I walked this path that Jorge and I walked together so many times, tears threatened to spill again. I thanked the cold for freezing them on my eyelids.
Psychology was easy. I was surrounded by other people and no memories, and I felt back to normal. This, in and of itself, was a good sign. Some hours after Stian broke up with me, I had gone to a Birthday Party and felt nothing but sick self-loathing and utter despair. This time around, the slight warmth of a classroom was enough to make me feel better.
Then I had a study downtown. I went past the park and passed some very familiar rocks and a very familiar bench. The river was frozen and everything was blanketed in snow, the seeming symbolism of which you know my personality type rolled in like Tootsie would roll in rotting animals.
I was struck by how different my answers were on the two tests I had to take that day from the answers I gave on those I took earlier in the week. Notably, I rated myself much weaker on my feelings of strength and conviction that my life would turn out well. A medium internal voice said, "See how you are weakened by this! Your life is not so lovely as you imagined, you silly , at turns optimistic one." A strong internal voice said, "Bah, don't sink into this self-pity, what are you, one of those girls who allows themselves to be defined by a relationship? Don't you remember that in order to find intimacy, you must accept yourself without it!?" And then the smallest voice said, "Ah, cut yourself some slack, you were broken up with last night, no one expects you to spring back like fresh elastic." So I also checked the box for schizophrenia. ;) Jk, jk
All in all, I felt o.k. Back in the dorm room I felt even better. Then came dinner. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I still had no appetite, but I knew that I should eat something, and Dobbs actually had a Wok (very uncommon), so that was something I couldn't pass up. But when I was standing in line, I suddenly felt so weak that I feared I would collapse. I hardly spoke at dinner, and my stomach turned more when I saw Jorge. (Btw, my physical response to heartache is nausea) I left before he came to the table, because I didn't want to make it awkward for either one of us.
I felt bad in my dorm room. I resolved to go to bed early. I tried to amuse myself with video games. They work great for stress, but they made my bad feelings worse. I was painfully aware that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about this. The situation was making me painfully obvious that I didn't have any great friends here, and that my best friend here had been Jorge, and after him there wasn't anyone who would make me feel better just to have them near me. That was a clue, but I didn't think about it until later.
I went to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night in stress, like I used to junior year. I was shocked that it was still so dark, and then Mayumi was gone... I realized that it was only one in the morning, that she would still be in the common room. I went back to sleep and slept until morning, which came too early. It was Friday and I had plans, actually a lot of them, which was a comfort to me, but anyways I was feeling better. I began to think logically and constructively about how I could go about expanding my social network. And I didn't see Jorge all day.
I did go talk to Laura, who was great. I still wouldn't have felt totally going to her when I was still all weepy-eyed about the situation, but a few days later, more removed, she was fine to talk to. :) (Laura +8 trust rating)
At lunch I had plans to meet with a girl named Kanchana. I was nervous about this for a number of reasons. For one, we had met for less than a minute at a party (I was actually a bit surprised that she had managed to find my on facebook), and I knew nothing about her. For another, I still felt a little subdued, and she was bringing her boyfriend. AND, when we made plans a week ago, I had suggested going to Addisons (some of the best food in Columbia). But the last time (only time) I had been to Addisons was when Jorge met my family.
But lunch actually went very well. Kanchana and her boyfriend are really nice. They are engineering majors, and graduate students, so on the surface we have little in common. But Kanchana is going to teach me Thai cooking, and they might teach me a little bit of Thai too. :D Our personalities are compatible, and I think we'll have some fun together. And the food was so good at Addisons that I actually felt like eating it. :D
I got back and realized that I wanted to talk to Jorge about all of that. Small wave of sadness, and another clue. Tom was trying to open a coconut. I helped. I was so grateful for something to do, and it was actually fun. Lunch had been fine, but I found myself laughing at our coconut saga, which spanned some hours as we punched holes in it, drained the liquid, which we drank even though it was nasty and Prompong later told us that it was old and bad XD, slowly sliced it open with a knife so that we could make a coconut bra out of it, and then scraped the insides out, which was very difficult. Finally, we put this in the food processor until it was pretty finely ground, then soaked it in hot water, and strained/milked it out of an old t-shirt until we had... coconut milk. We're halfway to making coconut cream, woohoo! I was laughing and it wasn't forced, but I was still very conscious of it. I heard it echoing in the halls and I wondered if Jorge heard it and I wondered how I felt about that.
We went out for Tabi's birthday, even though I was full, already had leftovers, and had extra meal points. I was also not thrilled that it was at a steakhouse, since I hate steak. But it turns out that they have a lot of other good food, too! :D I spent a lot of money, but I decided that I deserved it, as a final bit of self-pitying. And Tabi, I sensed, was truly glad that I had come. Unlike that birthday party (now... how many years ago? Ah, but the parallels keep mounting! :P) I managed to be festive and not think about the situation at all. I only brought it up once, indirectly, as Tabitha said she wanted a boyfriend for her boyfriend, I muttered under my breath that I wouldn't mind one either, perhaps for Christmas, and Laura chimed in to reiterate that, and add, "preferably Scandinavian!" Which was funny and made everyone laugh, but got me a few odd glances, because other than Laura, and Tabi if Laura had told her, no one knew about Jorge and I yet. Then came the revenge of the coconut, as both Tom and I had to make emergency bathroom trips. Luckily, that illness went away as quickly as it had come. :P
We went to the movie store and rented The Pebble and the Penguin, because Tabi had brought it up in the car and I had added to her enthusiasm for it. We watched it in Laura's room even though Tom was asleep by the end. I went to bed feeling pretty good, feeling a strange urge to research personality types, and by morning, the way was clear to me.
I realized a number of things, possibly while dreaming. :P (Though they had been floating around in my mind for a few days) Chief among them were the following:
1.) That not only did I abstractly recognize that Jorge was doing what he had to do, and what was the right thing to do, it came home to me as I realized that it was not SO different from my situation, and how easily I might do the same thing. Then I thought about how I would feel, and how he probably felt, and some things that he had said on Wednesday that I had kind of ignored before.
2.) That we were living in the same building, with the same friend group, and that things had the potential to get really awkward, which would be sad as there was no mal-intent involved.
3.) That Jorge knew me better than anyone else in college knew me, and that he had more in common with me than anyone else in the dorm.
4.) Almost all the things that Jorge and I did, that I missed, were things that friends can do (although probably not with such a great frequency, which maybe isn't an entirely negative thing, either.)
5.) That while I wasn't sexually repulsed from Jorge at all (which is unusual for me, normally I am... I have to find someone attractive AND trustworthy before I have any feeling towards them sexually other than Eww... and deep discomfort), I wasn't STRONGLY sexually attracted to him, either. I already knew that I wasn't in love with him, as I had been with Stian, but I also knew that my feelings for Jorge had grown since we started dating, and I hadn't thought too hard about the direction, but there it was. We just didn't have very much of that kind of chemistry.
I knew I had to talk to him, and that I had to talk to him before Winter Break, because Breaks are bad, bad things for any kind of a relationship that's in a state of change. I just didn't know when, and I wasn't exactly sure of what I would say. I went to lunch with Mayumi, who basically dragged me out of bed. ;) Then we went back to the room and I surfed online, mostly more about personality types, and Mayumi went back to sleep. Tom rescued me by having me help with pomegranate tarts. We had a lot of fun with that, and we talked. I found it surprisingly easy to talk with Tom, possibly because I know that he has such a solid (if unconventional) relationship with his girlfriend, and he has such a calm manner about him. And sometimes guys are the best people to talk to about this stuff, if it's not awkward.
I didn't know when I was going to talk to Jorge. I went upstairs and I found that I couldn't look at him. I didn't know if it would be that way always, or if it would go away if I could actually talk to him first, so that we would be on the same page. I hoped it was the latter, because all evening, if I was in the lounge, it seemed as though he would leave, and I know I would leave if he was there, unless we both had a good reason to be there, in which case I felt worse and worse, couldn't look his direction, and felt very distant from everything.
So I went in there and he took his computer and went upstairs. I went to my room and facebooked him asking if he was in his room, and if I could come speak to him. He said yes, hesitantly, but added that his roommate was there. I said that was okay, I wasn't going to make a scene. He responded that of course I could come.
I went and I was happy to find that I was quite calm and could look at him. ;) We sat on his bed and I told him that regardless of how I had responded at first, well, I understood him so well that I could harbour no anger or even regrets, and that the most important thing for me was to remain friends, not as a general idea, but in practice, because I felt closer to him than other people here, and that I didn't know how he felt about it or whether he felt that he could be friends with me, but that was what I wanted. And he agreed. :D So I was happy. I really was quite happy and relieved, about 90% so, which meant as I had suspected since this morning that most of my feelings for Jorge were like most his feelings for me, those you have for a good friend.
All in all I feel that the situation was unfortunate, but it is what it is, that we handled it in a mature way, and that things will move on. This will throw a bit of awkwardness in, but it is my hope that this will be minimized.
Well, that's that.
Over the break I got half hearted responses, and I felt the N part of my personality respond to it. But after all, it was online, I told myself I couldn't trust such things. (As I did with Stian and with Layla... :P)
Monday was sort of the same, but in real life, and with new excuses like being busy and being confused. But I thought of other things, and it was okay.
Tuesday was more of the same, so I started getting a bit annoyed, though I had effectively repressed any real suspicions. Instead I went for a long, long walk which was amazing. I went to a meeting about being a PA for next year, and on the way home I was captivated by the beauty of Stankowksi Field. The branches of the trees were all glimmering. The light pollution was such that not a single star could be seen, but instead the inky deep black-blue of the sky was like velvet, and the huge spotlights over the field looked as if they had been set into this sky like so many moons. In addition, I had my iPod, and I felt very moved and affected by music just then, so I felt sad when I came to the end of the field, and decided to go around again.
And again, and again. It was cold out, with the season's first measurably snowfall dusting everything in sight, but there was no ice on the streets. There weren't so many people out that it was noisy or chaotic, but enough that I felt safe wandering alone after dark. And I went again and again and felt warmer and warmer, so that I kept taking off layers, until finally I was walking in just a t-shirt, and feeling so strong and confidant, like I was glowing - amazed by the beauty and power of the music and the nature/human landscape around me.
I was so relaxed that I fell into that surreal state of understanding. Don't misunderstand, it was nothing mystical. I didn't suddenly understand all tongues, or even know any words that had never been exposed to. But everything I did know about the languages I was listening to on my iPod (even things I was barely aware that I knew, that I had perhaps seen in a movie or something similar) came together in an almost magical way. Spanish I understood, but that's getting to be fairly common. The first unusual one was Italian, which leapt the gap between Spanish and itself to where I understood it just as well. Then Norwegian and German came to me at close to 95%, making huge leaps to figure out words I normally couldn't decipher at such speeds. Finnish and Japanese offered up a lot more than usual, almost a word per sentence. Then, Russian... I understood a word of Russian, despite only actively knowing 3 words (Hello, Goodbye, Thank You), and having had very limited exposure to it (two or three episodes of a mini series on Youtube, people chattering some in my dorm). Still, one phrase was repeated in the mini series, in isolation, with subtitles. And this word was in the song, and jumped out at me BLAZING.
Two phenomenon that I sometimes experience with languages indicate very different things about the state of my mind. If I am mixing languages together in my mind, it means I am stressed or distressed. :P Similar, if you think about it that way. On the other hand, when they present themselves to me in such clarity, I am in such a clear, calm, contented mood. Not to say joyful, just calm and content, letting things come into my mind without a lot of emotional thought to interrupt it. I think it's where you're supposed to get with meditation, but I wouldn't know. A man asked me if I was cold. I just laughed. I felt above cold or heat.
But when I got back to the dorm room, I realized that my arms were pretty well frozen, and they burned as the feeling came back into them. Smart...
Wednesday. Things came to a head. Wednesday is when Jorge and I go to Noodles. I texted him to ask him if he was coming, since he had been so busy lately. I got no answer, but then he came and seemed surprised that I was there (must not have had his phone with him). We ate together, but conversation was kind of subdued. I wanted to talk to him about the night before, or Thanksgiving, or what was bothering him, but there was something invisible between us. Afterwards I made as if to kiss him and he kissed me on the forehead. I felt very troubled, but I made one last attempt to externalize, since I internalize too much, and thought, well, what do I know of how Jorge handles stress? Or how much stress these last weeks are for international students?
But later that day in the dorm, we almost avoided each other. At one point we caught each other's eyes and a solemn look went between us. I gave him the shadow of a smile, which he returned. Once he came in and said something, that he was going to go do something, and I said, "What's troubling you, it's not only stress, is it?" But he dodged the question. Then I cooked Matzo Ball Soup and Beef and Broccoli and Fried Rice with Laura and Justin. I only mentioned that I was a bit unhappy because Jorge was troubled and wouldn't tell me what was happening. But I didn't mention that I had suspicions, because I was once again trying to discredit my intuition.
Then that night he came and he took a deep interest in some nonsense on my computer screen. I tried to be friendly and he sort of dodged that as he had dodged the question earlier. Then I said, "Well, are you going to tell me what's bothering you now?" He sighed. I knew that sigh. And then all of that. Well, he was as good about it as he could be (in the situation, and being male... a female could have handled it a bit better, of course. :P Or a lot worse!). And given his situation, it was the right thing to do. I would have done the same thing, and there was no good way for me to blame him for it.
But I was sad for me, and I cried and carried on for a little while, all sadness, no anger... which in a way is frustrating, because after all... why can't I ever have one of these normal break ups with a fight or something like that? :P What bothered me more than anything were the parallels that my mind constructed, quick as lightening, between these circumstances and the last, and those before that... In short order I decided that this was my curse, to always be a good friend but fail as romantic object... bah. Of course, in each case there was more at work...
I needed to talk to someone. No one was on. I called Lucia and her phone was turned off. A knock at the door, and I swear I heard Jorge's voice saying, "It's me". I swear. But it was Mayumi, who was kind and apologized for her bad English making it impossible to comfort me, and ordered me to bed. It was about 2 in the morning. I went to bed.
I woke up not feeling too well. I didn't think I could eat. I planned on going to class, because it was the class that matters most right now, but I checked my mail and saw that it was -9 celsius, and I knew I couldn't face both - weather and feelings, so I called Lucia instead and talked to her for some hours. She was as good as she could be, having not had any similar situations. That was the last time I cried. When she had to go to class, I got online and there was only Uni, who is a very nice guy, but doesn't know that much about my personal life, and anyways isn't the sort of friend that I should fall to crying. :P And I thought - I need someone who knows me, who I can talk to...
Who signs on but Stian himself. And I thought, "Ah, what a perverse way to answer my thought, I need anyone but him to admit to my failures (I was thinking weird then) to." So I didn't try to talk to him. But, guided by that strange force that has often compelled us to contact each other at strangely appropriate times, he messaged me. And I thought, "Alright, I'll talk to him to get my mind off of this, but I won't bring it up, because he started a relationship the same time I did (this was the last time we talked), and his is most likely going swimmingly." So I avoided the subjeect. But, guided by that strange force that has sometimes led me to believe in some sort of mind-reading ability, he volunteered the truth of his own romantic endeavors - utter failures, each and every one of them. So before long, I was telling him everything.
Isn't it funny... that when Stian broke up with me, I sought comfort in Austin, and when Jorge breaks up with me, I seek comfort in Stian? Oh dear, what's next? But Stian was surprisingly good about it. :) I was feeling pretty good and thinking about other things around 1, although I still wasn't hungry. But now I had to go to classes and some other commitments, so I prepared to leave. But suddenly I felt frightened, like I had somehow dissipated the bad energy in my dorm room, but more of it awaited me out in the cold. Stian told me to be brave, so I tied up my hair and went out into the world. The sky was a brilliant winter blue, and the cold positively embraced me, showering the negative images of kisses all over my exposed neck and ears. I walked and as I walked this path that Jorge and I walked together so many times, tears threatened to spill again. I thanked the cold for freezing them on my eyelids.
Psychology was easy. I was surrounded by other people and no memories, and I felt back to normal. This, in and of itself, was a good sign. Some hours after Stian broke up with me, I had gone to a Birthday Party and felt nothing but sick self-loathing and utter despair. This time around, the slight warmth of a classroom was enough to make me feel better.
Then I had a study downtown. I went past the park and passed some very familiar rocks and a very familiar bench. The river was frozen and everything was blanketed in snow, the seeming symbolism of which you know my personality type rolled in like Tootsie would roll in rotting animals.
I was struck by how different my answers were on the two tests I had to take that day from the answers I gave on those I took earlier in the week. Notably, I rated myself much weaker on my feelings of strength and conviction that my life would turn out well. A medium internal voice said, "See how you are weakened by this! Your life is not so lovely as you imagined, you silly , at turns optimistic one." A strong internal voice said, "Bah, don't sink into this self-pity, what are you, one of those girls who allows themselves to be defined by a relationship? Don't you remember that in order to find intimacy, you must accept yourself without it!?" And then the smallest voice said, "Ah, cut yourself some slack, you were broken up with last night, no one expects you to spring back like fresh elastic." So I also checked the box for schizophrenia. ;) Jk, jk
All in all, I felt o.k. Back in the dorm room I felt even better. Then came dinner. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I still had no appetite, but I knew that I should eat something, and Dobbs actually had a Wok (very uncommon), so that was something I couldn't pass up. But when I was standing in line, I suddenly felt so weak that I feared I would collapse. I hardly spoke at dinner, and my stomach turned more when I saw Jorge. (Btw, my physical response to heartache is nausea) I left before he came to the table, because I didn't want to make it awkward for either one of us.
I felt bad in my dorm room. I resolved to go to bed early. I tried to amuse myself with video games. They work great for stress, but they made my bad feelings worse. I was painfully aware that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about this. The situation was making me painfully obvious that I didn't have any great friends here, and that my best friend here had been Jorge, and after him there wasn't anyone who would make me feel better just to have them near me. That was a clue, but I didn't think about it until later.
I went to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night in stress, like I used to junior year. I was shocked that it was still so dark, and then Mayumi was gone... I realized that it was only one in the morning, that she would still be in the common room. I went back to sleep and slept until morning, which came too early. It was Friday and I had plans, actually a lot of them, which was a comfort to me, but anyways I was feeling better. I began to think logically and constructively about how I could go about expanding my social network. And I didn't see Jorge all day.
I did go talk to Laura, who was great. I still wouldn't have felt totally going to her when I was still all weepy-eyed about the situation, but a few days later, more removed, she was fine to talk to. :) (Laura +8 trust rating)
At lunch I had plans to meet with a girl named Kanchana. I was nervous about this for a number of reasons. For one, we had met for less than a minute at a party (I was actually a bit surprised that she had managed to find my on facebook), and I knew nothing about her. For another, I still felt a little subdued, and she was bringing her boyfriend. AND, when we made plans a week ago, I had suggested going to Addisons (some of the best food in Columbia). But the last time (only time) I had been to Addisons was when Jorge met my family.
But lunch actually went very well. Kanchana and her boyfriend are really nice. They are engineering majors, and graduate students, so on the surface we have little in common. But Kanchana is going to teach me Thai cooking, and they might teach me a little bit of Thai too. :D Our personalities are compatible, and I think we'll have some fun together. And the food was so good at Addisons that I actually felt like eating it. :D
I got back and realized that I wanted to talk to Jorge about all of that. Small wave of sadness, and another clue. Tom was trying to open a coconut. I helped. I was so grateful for something to do, and it was actually fun. Lunch had been fine, but I found myself laughing at our coconut saga, which spanned some hours as we punched holes in it, drained the liquid, which we drank even though it was nasty and Prompong later told us that it was old and bad XD, slowly sliced it open with a knife so that we could make a coconut bra out of it, and then scraped the insides out, which was very difficult. Finally, we put this in the food processor until it was pretty finely ground, then soaked it in hot water, and strained/milked it out of an old t-shirt until we had... coconut milk. We're halfway to making coconut cream, woohoo! I was laughing and it wasn't forced, but I was still very conscious of it. I heard it echoing in the halls and I wondered if Jorge heard it and I wondered how I felt about that.
We went out for Tabi's birthday, even though I was full, already had leftovers, and had extra meal points. I was also not thrilled that it was at a steakhouse, since I hate steak. But it turns out that they have a lot of other good food, too! :D I spent a lot of money, but I decided that I deserved it, as a final bit of self-pitying. And Tabi, I sensed, was truly glad that I had come. Unlike that birthday party (now... how many years ago? Ah, but the parallels keep mounting! :P) I managed to be festive and not think about the situation at all. I only brought it up once, indirectly, as Tabitha said she wanted a boyfriend for her boyfriend, I muttered under my breath that I wouldn't mind one either, perhaps for Christmas, and Laura chimed in to reiterate that, and add, "preferably Scandinavian!" Which was funny and made everyone laugh, but got me a few odd glances, because other than Laura, and Tabi if Laura had told her, no one knew about Jorge and I yet. Then came the revenge of the coconut, as both Tom and I had to make emergency bathroom trips. Luckily, that illness went away as quickly as it had come. :P
We went to the movie store and rented The Pebble and the Penguin, because Tabi had brought it up in the car and I had added to her enthusiasm for it. We watched it in Laura's room even though Tom was asleep by the end. I went to bed feeling pretty good, feeling a strange urge to research personality types, and by morning, the way was clear to me.
I realized a number of things, possibly while dreaming. :P (Though they had been floating around in my mind for a few days) Chief among them were the following:
1.) That not only did I abstractly recognize that Jorge was doing what he had to do, and what was the right thing to do, it came home to me as I realized that it was not SO different from my situation, and how easily I might do the same thing. Then I thought about how I would feel, and how he probably felt, and some things that he had said on Wednesday that I had kind of ignored before.
2.) That we were living in the same building, with the same friend group, and that things had the potential to get really awkward, which would be sad as there was no mal-intent involved.
3.) That Jorge knew me better than anyone else in college knew me, and that he had more in common with me than anyone else in the dorm.
4.) Almost all the things that Jorge and I did, that I missed, were things that friends can do (although probably not with such a great frequency, which maybe isn't an entirely negative thing, either.)
5.) That while I wasn't sexually repulsed from Jorge at all (which is unusual for me, normally I am... I have to find someone attractive AND trustworthy before I have any feeling towards them sexually other than Eww... and deep discomfort), I wasn't STRONGLY sexually attracted to him, either. I already knew that I wasn't in love with him, as I had been with Stian, but I also knew that my feelings for Jorge had grown since we started dating, and I hadn't thought too hard about the direction, but there it was. We just didn't have very much of that kind of chemistry.
I knew I had to talk to him, and that I had to talk to him before Winter Break, because Breaks are bad, bad things for any kind of a relationship that's in a state of change. I just didn't know when, and I wasn't exactly sure of what I would say. I went to lunch with Mayumi, who basically dragged me out of bed. ;) Then we went back to the room and I surfed online, mostly more about personality types, and Mayumi went back to sleep. Tom rescued me by having me help with pomegranate tarts. We had a lot of fun with that, and we talked. I found it surprisingly easy to talk with Tom, possibly because I know that he has such a solid (if unconventional) relationship with his girlfriend, and he has such a calm manner about him. And sometimes guys are the best people to talk to about this stuff, if it's not awkward.
I didn't know when I was going to talk to Jorge. I went upstairs and I found that I couldn't look at him. I didn't know if it would be that way always, or if it would go away if I could actually talk to him first, so that we would be on the same page. I hoped it was the latter, because all evening, if I was in the lounge, it seemed as though he would leave, and I know I would leave if he was there, unless we both had a good reason to be there, in which case I felt worse and worse, couldn't look his direction, and felt very distant from everything.
So I went in there and he took his computer and went upstairs. I went to my room and facebooked him asking if he was in his room, and if I could come speak to him. He said yes, hesitantly, but added that his roommate was there. I said that was okay, I wasn't going to make a scene. He responded that of course I could come.
I went and I was happy to find that I was quite calm and could look at him. ;) We sat on his bed and I told him that regardless of how I had responded at first, well, I understood him so well that I could harbour no anger or even regrets, and that the most important thing for me was to remain friends, not as a general idea, but in practice, because I felt closer to him than other people here, and that I didn't know how he felt about it or whether he felt that he could be friends with me, but that was what I wanted. And he agreed. :D So I was happy. I really was quite happy and relieved, about 90% so, which meant as I had suspected since this morning that most of my feelings for Jorge were like most his feelings for me, those you have for a good friend.
All in all I feel that the situation was unfortunate, but it is what it is, that we handled it in a mature way, and that things will move on. This will throw a bit of awkwardness in, but it is my hope that this will be minimized.
Well, that's that.
Holes
When something goes out of your life quickly, it leaves a hole that takes a little while to fill. You find yourself restless, even bored. Your life may have been full enough before the thing was added, you may even have felt that it was too full to allow for anything new, but once you've accepted it into your life and made room for it, it still leaves a wake behind as it passes.
December 04, 2008
Interesting
http://homepage.mac.com/bahlberg/iblog/B1386252977/C707866389/E37749891/index.html
An INFJ's view of relationship with INTPs and how to work with them..
INFJ's can sense someone else's feelings ( an unnerving situation if you don't know how to separate your own feelings from the other person ).
...INFJ's are extremely gentle,have very high integrity, cannot tell a really good lie , and do not carry long term personal conflicts well.
...INFJ's are extremely gentle,have very high integrity, cannot tell a really good lie , and do not carry long term personal conflicts well.
By Anonymous (by author request.)
The Bad Side...
1. Extremely puzzling... INFJ's can sense someone else's feelings ( an unnerving situation if you don't know how to separate your own feelings from the other person ). INTP's have famously melancholic faces/ not much emotion there. INFJ's can sense the love but cannot see it most of the time except in small bursts.
2. Hypersensitive INFJ's then take the "snub" personally and start withdrawing or worse, demanding more time and emotion from INTP. Uh oh....... its' the beginning of the end.
3. Of course this absolutely annoys the INTP who in turn, true to type, does not express the annoyance. Which is also counterproductive, because the INFJ can sense the annoyance... Rift gets worse. But it's a silent war. Hmmmm......
4. More developed INFJ's start to withraw... , emotionally and sometimes physically. A protective mechanism, need space to sort out feelings and if more emotionally mature, plan their next move. INFJ's are extremely gentle,have very high integrity, cannot tell a really good lie , and do not carry long term personal conflicts well. The process of emotional "detachment" is very hard and can scar the INFJ for a long time.
The Good side...
5. INFJ's like INTP's because INFJ's themselves, need space, are also independent and intelligent and have great imaginations. Great match!!
6. INFJ's can supply support, unconditional love , empathy, and can anticipate needs of INTP even before this is articulated. A spooky sort of unspoken communication between the two.
7. But, INFJ's need the same support, love , empathy back from INTP's in order to remain happy. It's like gasoline to INFJ's A situation which the INTP cannot comprehend.
Bottomline is this... a happy and well loved INFJ will keep you well supplied with everything you want. An unhappy one will drive you nuts!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Oh dear, I'm turning into Jashen, aren't I?
Edit: When I posted this, I wasn't even aware that Jorge was INTP, though it sounded like a pretty good description of some of our interactions. But I just noticed that he is. :P
The Bad Side...
1. Extremely puzzling... INFJ's can sense someone else's feelings ( an unnerving situation if you don't know how to separate your own feelings from the other person ). INTP's have famously melancholic faces/ not much emotion there. INFJ's can sense the love but cannot see it most of the time except in small bursts.
2. Hypersensitive INFJ's then take the "snub" personally and start withdrawing or worse, demanding more time and emotion from INTP. Uh oh....... its' the beginning of the end.
3. Of course this absolutely annoys the INTP who in turn, true to type, does not express the annoyance. Which is also counterproductive, because the INFJ can sense the annoyance... Rift gets worse. But it's a silent war. Hmmmm......
4. More developed INFJ's start to withraw... , emotionally and sometimes physically. A protective mechanism, need space to sort out feelings and if more emotionally mature, plan their next move. INFJ's are extremely gentle,have very high integrity, cannot tell a really good lie , and do not carry long term personal conflicts well. The process of emotional "detachment" is very hard and can scar the INFJ for a long time.
The Good side...
5. INFJ's like INTP's because INFJ's themselves, need space, are also independent and intelligent and have great imaginations. Great match!!
6. INFJ's can supply support, unconditional love , empathy, and can anticipate needs of INTP even before this is articulated. A spooky sort of unspoken communication between the two.
7. But, INFJ's need the same support, love , empathy back from INTP's in order to remain happy. It's like gasoline to INFJ's A situation which the INTP cannot comprehend.
Bottomline is this... a happy and well loved INFJ will keep you well supplied with everything you want. An unhappy one will drive you nuts!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Oh dear, I'm turning into Jashen, aren't I?
Edit: When I posted this, I wasn't even aware that Jorge was INTP, though it sounded like a pretty good description of some of our interactions. But I just noticed that he is. :P
December 02, 2008
The Family Tragedy
Is the family sacred? I never can decide.
In other words: are the bonds of a family more than just a constructed social ideal, are they always somehow above the level of mere friendship?
There is this idea that the family is there when all others turn away. Indeed - how many elderly do you see living in the homes of friends?
But there is too much suffering in the home for families to be sacred. Too much neglect, abuse, even murder; and of course the lesser things. Some say that surely, at least the bond between mother and child is irrefutable. But even there are exceptions, so I wonder where the line is drawn.
Must tragedy strike for two siblings to be closer to their friends than to each other? Or is it merely luck that brings two siblings to the place where they can be both, siblings and friends.
Is it only that a tragedy can separate them, or is it a tragedy in and of itself when they are not so lucky? And why?
For the sake of discussion, let's simplify and call love the feeling that you want to spend time with someone. Let's call duty the other kind of 'love', that compels family to keep trying, to take care of each other, to bring the elderly into their basement and... in short, what friends don't intrinsically have.
The legend is that for family the two are tightly woven. Family is sacred.
But that cannot be!
Love may or may not follow blood, but duty seems more strictly relegated to the family.
So - is this the Family Tragedy?
Not that it was tragic misunderstanding and circumstances which must have unnaturally torn the family - sacred and destined for both love and duty - asunder.
Rather that if luck does not join the two within the family, then the individual has lost their chance for that ultimate, sacred goal - love and duty intertwined - save only by marriage.
Yes, I think it may be the truth.
That's why... Childless widows, Bitter old men...
Motherless Daughters. Fatherless Sons.
They carry it with them. And invent legends.
You know of what I speak.
In other words: are the bonds of a family more than just a constructed social ideal, are they always somehow above the level of mere friendship?
There is this idea that the family is there when all others turn away. Indeed - how many elderly do you see living in the homes of friends?
But there is too much suffering in the home for families to be sacred. Too much neglect, abuse, even murder; and of course the lesser things. Some say that surely, at least the bond between mother and child is irrefutable. But even there are exceptions, so I wonder where the line is drawn.
Must tragedy strike for two siblings to be closer to their friends than to each other? Or is it merely luck that brings two siblings to the place where they can be both, siblings and friends.
Is it only that a tragedy can separate them, or is it a tragedy in and of itself when they are not so lucky? And why?
For the sake of discussion, let's simplify and call love the feeling that you want to spend time with someone. Let's call duty the other kind of 'love', that compels family to keep trying, to take care of each other, to bring the elderly into their basement and... in short, what friends don't intrinsically have.
The legend is that for family the two are tightly woven. Family is sacred.
But that cannot be!
Love may or may not follow blood, but duty seems more strictly relegated to the family.
So - is this the Family Tragedy?
Not that it was tragic misunderstanding and circumstances which must have unnaturally torn the family - sacred and destined for both love and duty - asunder.
Rather that if luck does not join the two within the family, then the individual has lost their chance for that ultimate, sacred goal - love and duty intertwined - save only by marriage.
Yes, I think it may be the truth.
That's why... Childless widows, Bitter old men...
Motherless Daughters. Fatherless Sons.
They carry it with them. And invent legends.
You know of what I speak.
Closed Minds and Open Minds
Which of us is truly closed minded?
I had come to the opinion that - basic human rights aside - I was tolerant of all but intolerance, respectful of all but disrespect, forgiving of all save unforgiveness...
Did I set the bar too high? Or am I merely misguided? Either way, it appears not to work.
I came to University bearing the legend that students are an open minded group... Ha! High Schoolers were a thousand times more so.
But with whom does the problem lie?
Open-mindedness is supposed to be a great virtue, but I have also heard the phrase: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out!
Prejudice and fear are supposedly bred of ignorance, but I see both sides using facts and figures, and I wonder...
Can idealism also spring from ignorance?
I judged them only for judging, but now I think how I must look to them for accepting what they cannot accept. It may look as hard to them as a blind eye to rape and murder.
I had come to the opinion that - basic human rights aside - I was tolerant of all but intolerance, respectful of all but disrespect, forgiving of all save unforgiveness...
Did I set the bar too high? Or am I merely misguided? Either way, it appears not to work.
I came to University bearing the legend that students are an open minded group... Ha! High Schoolers were a thousand times more so.
But with whom does the problem lie?
Open-mindedness is supposed to be a great virtue, but I have also heard the phrase: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out!
Prejudice and fear are supposedly bred of ignorance, but I see both sides using facts and figures, and I wonder...
Can idealism also spring from ignorance?
I judged them only for judging, but now I think how I must look to them for accepting what they cannot accept. It may look as hard to them as a blind eye to rape and murder.
December 01, 2008
I am OFFICIALLY an Idealist.
Yay, I took another personality test! :P
I put in bold the very relevant stuff.
I put in bold the very relevant stuff.
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.
Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.
Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.
Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.
Idealists at Work
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job.
Because you live in anticipation of an exciting future, in your ideal job you will be asked to stretch your imagination on a continual basis. Existing ideas, individuals and groups of people, products, services, and the relationships between these things can trigger flashes of insight about how "what is" might unfold into "what might be." You feel rewarded where you feel free to share your insights with people who encourage your creativity and who support the unpredictable process by which you narrow down the stream of ideas into innovations that are meaningful within the scheme of your personal values. You are likely to be comfortable taking on a leadership role, so long as it doesn’t place you in an arbitrary hierarchy.
November 26, 2008
Sonni Hullu ja Puuro
When I produced Sonni, Liisa asked whether I remembered Hullu and Puuro as well. The answer is "Of course, my dear, and the sentence that tied the three together, as unlikely as it would seem!"
I am reminded of a quote from the Last Unicorn:
"Your name is a golden bell, hung in my heart.
I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."
It's like Norwegian. No. It's quite different again. I fear losing my Finnish in a way that I don't fear losing my Norwegian, perhaps because of it's very foreignness, but as of yet it remains with me, the words fluttering on my lips like an enchantment. It is everything. The delicate, precise nature of the double letters, the steady consonant-vowel alteration, the simple miracle that one can learn two names for the same thing and feel both of them in their heart.
Like an enchantment. Like if I remember, and pronounce them properly, release each name onto the wind, they will pull the wonders of the last summer around me.
And that...
I am reminded of a quote from the Last Unicorn:
"Your name is a golden bell, hung in my heart.
I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."
It's like Norwegian. No. It's quite different again. I fear losing my Finnish in a way that I don't fear losing my Norwegian, perhaps because of it's very foreignness, but as of yet it remains with me, the words fluttering on my lips like an enchantment. It is everything. The delicate, precise nature of the double letters, the steady consonant-vowel alteration, the simple miracle that one can learn two names for the same thing and feel both of them in their heart.
Like an enchantment. Like if I remember, and pronounce them properly, release each name onto the wind, they will pull the wonders of the last summer around me.
And that...
Stephanie
I saw Stephanie today. We went on a really long walk. It was so nice to see her. We talked about our very different college experiences (she's got a class of 165 or something, and they all take the same courses... XD), being vegan, Greek and German, etc, etc. Tidbit came.
I wonder if Stephanie feels the same as I do, that the roots of our friendship grow so long and deep that I can't even bring myself to be surprised by the twists and turns her life has taken, if that makes any sense. She is Stephanie and she is doing what she will do, as I am doing what I will do. But it's strange to have her so far apart. She has a boyfriend I've never met. I have a boyfriend she's never met. Hah! :D
And get this, her major is:
Double major in Philosophy and the History of Math and Science
Double minor in Classical Languages and Comparative Literature
O.O
I wonder if Stephanie feels the same as I do, that the roots of our friendship grow so long and deep that I can't even bring myself to be surprised by the twists and turns her life has taken, if that makes any sense. She is Stephanie and she is doing what she will do, as I am doing what I will do. But it's strange to have her so far apart. She has a boyfriend I've never met. I have a boyfriend she's never met. Hah! :D
And get this, her major is:
Double major in Philosophy and the History of Math and Science
Double minor in Classical Languages and Comparative Literature
O.O
November 25, 2008
High School Again
I went back up to the high school again today, as Eilken had invited me to lunch. She didn't know (not even Altadonna knew..!) that they were having a technology meeting at the time. So Lucía and I showed up, and received hugs from Altadonna and Kiser (who counted Uno y Dos as she embraced us each in turn). We sat near them at a very crowded table, which even included Mr. McAllister! :D You see, he left his position as a Latin teacher some time ago, but now he is a technology specialist, so that was funny.
Altadonna and Kiser pelted us with questions and such as the meeting went on. I actually spoke at one point to testify that most of the Mizzou students bring their laptops to class, and all of them are surfing facebook, as the issue at hand was the practicality of a completely on-line campus. As the meeting wound down, I pointed out for possibly the last time (and then what?) that the plaques listing the award winners still listed my name under French and Latin, instead of Spanish and Latin. :D
Lunch ended and some had to teach, so Altadonna and Lucía and I sat and talked for an hour or so. Kathryn came in, and we joked around about the days when she used to stalk me, and reminisced about the Costa Rica trip. Then as an hour ended the four of us (Kathryn had a friend - sister?) burst into Kiser's room rather unceremoniously. We said hello to a surprisingly friendly Matt Collegeman, and played with the Rock and all the old favourites of Sra. Kiser's room. Then she showed us the cutest of her new toys: a little bull who danced when you clapped twice for it. :D For the benefit of all, Lucía drew a picture of Jorge on the blackboard, and though she was trying to draw him as a chef, we all first mistook his apron for a diaper. XD
Our last stop was Smith, who fed us peanut-butter honey sandwiches and Apple Cider that we remembered fondly from the Beowulf dirge class. We met her sister at the end, though when she came we thought we'd better leave.
It was so good to see them all.
Afterwards we went to Lydia's house and drew some silly frog pictures together and Lucía and I couldn't stop laughing, until Lydia said, "Geeze! You two really ARE best friends, aren't you!"
Altadonna and Kiser pelted us with questions and such as the meeting went on. I actually spoke at one point to testify that most of the Mizzou students bring their laptops to class, and all of them are surfing facebook, as the issue at hand was the practicality of a completely on-line campus. As the meeting wound down, I pointed out for possibly the last time (and then what?) that the plaques listing the award winners still listed my name under French and Latin, instead of Spanish and Latin. :D
Lunch ended and some had to teach, so Altadonna and Lucía and I sat and talked for an hour or so. Kathryn came in, and we joked around about the days when she used to stalk me, and reminisced about the Costa Rica trip. Then as an hour ended the four of us (Kathryn had a friend - sister?) burst into Kiser's room rather unceremoniously. We said hello to a surprisingly friendly Matt Collegeman, and played with the Rock and all the old favourites of Sra. Kiser's room. Then she showed us the cutest of her new toys: a little bull who danced when you clapped twice for it. :D For the benefit of all, Lucía drew a picture of Jorge on the blackboard, and though she was trying to draw him as a chef, we all first mistook his apron for a diaper. XD
Our last stop was Smith, who fed us peanut-butter honey sandwiches and Apple Cider that we remembered fondly from the Beowulf dirge class. We met her sister at the end, though when she came we thought we'd better leave.
It was so good to see them all.
Afterwards we went to Lydia's house and drew some silly frog pictures together and Lucía and I couldn't stop laughing, until Lydia said, "Geeze! You two really ARE best friends, aren't you!"
November 24, 2008
High School
I went back to the high school today, and almost lost it at the entrance. It felt so strange. But once I was inside the feeling was gone, perhaps because I was no longer traveling through time, but merely back in time already. I had some bad luck trying to find people. Mrs. McFarland was working on something, so I left the library only to find myself staring straight at Mrs. Lehmann, who has moved up in the world, so to speak, (she says 'come out of the closet' herself. :D) and is now occupying the main office, which has been totally remodeled. We chatted and she invited me to the German Christmas. :D
I went upstairs to foreign language. Eilken's room was open, but I didn't see her. Kiser's room was closed. I passed more closed doors and a detention, and then I wandered into Smith's room. We chatted for about half an hour, and it was very nice, except for once or twice I thought that I offended her, which was very strange because in both cases I thought it was evident that I was joking, and I had never thought of Smith as the type to get easily offended. Then Eilken showed up and explained that the department was empty because there was a Spanish/French meeting, to which Smith responded, "Oh, those caseless languages!" :D
I talked to Eilken for a while too, which was nice. And then later I went to see Mrs. McFarland again. I succeeded this time, although the library was almost deserted. On the way in I saw Billie and Layla... Of course, I mean Betty and Nedah. But that was strange. McFarland and I chatted, mostly about my trip, because she hadn't heard yet. She scolded me for staying with 'strangers'. Why doesn't anyone understand Internet Friendships? XD
The new librarian (Diel is gone) asked me whether I used to work at Sachs. I said that I did. He said that he had seen me there once or twice, he thought, and that he was dating Jim's sister.
Amy? I asked. I met her at Borders.
Yeah, I met her there too.
Haha, and I used to go to that Borders all the time, since it was next to the library. Small world, isn't it? :D
It was late by this point, but before I left I thought I'd check to see if Mrs. O'Toole was still around. She wasn't, but on my way out of the Science section I heard a scream and frantic footsteps as Nedah, Betty, and two friends ran passed armed with a school video camera, actively recording. So Miranda, looking mildly startled and amused, makes it into one last Parkway West Video.
I miss them. :P
I went upstairs to foreign language. Eilken's room was open, but I didn't see her. Kiser's room was closed. I passed more closed doors and a detention, and then I wandered into Smith's room. We chatted for about half an hour, and it was very nice, except for once or twice I thought that I offended her, which was very strange because in both cases I thought it was evident that I was joking, and I had never thought of Smith as the type to get easily offended. Then Eilken showed up and explained that the department was empty because there was a Spanish/French meeting, to which Smith responded, "Oh, those caseless languages!" :D
I talked to Eilken for a while too, which was nice. And then later I went to see Mrs. McFarland again. I succeeded this time, although the library was almost deserted. On the way in I saw Billie and Layla... Of course, I mean Betty and Nedah. But that was strange. McFarland and I chatted, mostly about my trip, because she hadn't heard yet. She scolded me for staying with 'strangers'. Why doesn't anyone understand Internet Friendships? XD
The new librarian (Diel is gone) asked me whether I used to work at Sachs. I said that I did. He said that he had seen me there once or twice, he thought, and that he was dating Jim's sister.
Amy? I asked. I met her at Borders.
Yeah, I met her there too.
Haha, and I used to go to that Borders all the time, since it was next to the library. Small world, isn't it? :D
It was late by this point, but before I left I thought I'd check to see if Mrs. O'Toole was still around. She wasn't, but on my way out of the Science section I heard a scream and frantic footsteps as Nedah, Betty, and two friends ran passed armed with a school video camera, actively recording. So Miranda, looking mildly startled and amused, makes it into one last Parkway West Video.
I miss them. :P
November 20, 2008
La Situacion De Euskera Hoy
¿En qué manera ha afectado la relación entre el euskera y el nacionalismo vasco a la situación del idioma hoy?
El euskera y el nacionalismo Vasco
El euskera, la lengua aislada de los vascos, y catalán, la lengua romance que hablan los catalanes, son ambas lenguas minoritarias de España. Pero sus situaciones actuales son muy diferentes. El prestigio y el reconocimiento del catalán siguen creciendo, mientras el euskera no ha sido capaz de superar su reputación como idioma rústico y primitivo, por lo que sigue perdiendo hablantes. Los destinos de estas lenguas son inextricables de los de sus movimientos nacionalistas adjuntos. Desde el siglo XVII, tanto los catalanes como los vascos han luchado para no perderse en la dominante cultura castellana. Aunque ambas regiones permanecen hoy como partes de España, los catalanes han tenido mucho más éxito en obtener una medida de autonomía e independencia cultural que es evidente por el uso general del idioma catalán en esa región, mientras que el euskera permanece en declive y el movimiento separatista de los vascos esta hoy en día asociado con la amenaza del terrorismo. ¿Por qué estos dos movimientos, que se parecían tanto, han tenido resultados tan diferentes?
Hay muchos factores que contribuyen a la explicación de esta dicotomía, entre ellos diferencias geográficas, históricas, y económicas. En este ensayo, sin embargo, voy a enfocarme en los aspectos lingüísticos de este movimiento. Hay un proverbio vasco que dice “Izena duen guztiak izatea ere badauke” – que todo lo que tiene un nombre, existe. Pero hay otro proverbio, que parece ser diametralmente opuesto al primero: “Izenak ez du egiten izana” – un nombre no hace a una cosa real. La conexión entre el euskera y el movimiento separatista de los vascos es muy complicado y a veces aparentemente contradictorio, pero es de una importancia inmensa para explicar cualquiera de los dos.
Euskera es una lengua aislada – esto quiere decir que no tiene ninguna conexión genética con cualquier otro idioma, aunque ha tomado prestadas palabras del español, latín, francés, y árabe, y le ha dado algunas palabras al español también, por ejemplo izquierdo, una palabra de raíces vascas que usaban para escapar de las implicaciones negativas de la palabra latina con el mismo significado, sinestra. Cerca de 630,000 personas, o un cuarto de los vascos, hablan euskera hoy. La mayoría de estos vascoparlantes viven en la mitad española del país vasco, que está localizado en los Pirineos Occidentales en la frontera entre Francia y España. El país vasco está dividido en seis provincias, tres en Francia, y tres en España. La presencia de la cultura vasca varía en cada provincia, pero no hay ninguna provincia donde el número de vascoparlantes constituye una mayoría de la populación. La mayoría de las escuelas en el país vasco enseñan Euskera como asignatura, pero hay muy pocas que lo dan todo en euskera.
Las características correspondientes del catalán son que es una lengua romance similar al español y al francés, que tiene 9,399,516 hablantes en Cataluña, la Comunidad Valenciana (donde se llama valenciano) y las Islas Baleares. Como la población total de estos regiones está cerca de 13,088,600, los catalanoparlantes constituyen una mayoría clara. Además, como el catalán es similar al español, casi toda la población de estas regiones lo entiende. Es la lengua primaria de educación en Cataluña, con el castellano como asignatura independiente. Se espera que los estudiantes que no vienen de hogares catalanoparlantes aprendan el idioma por inmersión en este sistema escolar.
Como es común para los idiomas que han evolucionado en regiones montañosas, el euskera históricamente ha tenido un gran número de dialectos que en algunos casos no eran mutuamente inteligibles. Como escribió Pio Baroja, el famoso novelista vasco, en 1953, “Esta lengua es de una sorprendente variedad dialectal, tan diversa que una antigua clasificación llego a dividirla en tres grupos dialectales, cincuenta dialectos, mas cuatro literarios, y veinticinco subdialectos, divididos a su vez en cincuenta variedades, con doce subvariedades. A esta clasificación, fundada en el empleo del verbo, se podría sobreponer otra, mucho más sencilla, reduciendo la división dialectal de vascuence a dos grandes grupos: el vasco occidental o vizcaíno, y el centro oriental, comprensivo del guipuzcoano, el labourdino, el suletino y los dialectos de la Alta y la Baja Navarra.” Hoy, por otro lado, entre hablantes menguantes y un movimiento para unificar el idioma, estos dialectos están desapareciendo muy rápido. El catalán también tiene algunas variaciones dialécticas, incluso uno, el valenciano, que algunos consideren ser un idioma independiente, aunque las formas escritas del catalán y del valenciano son tan similares que cuando la constitución de la UE fue traducida para los dos idiomas, los productos fueron exactamente idénticos.
La historia de los vascos es muy larga. Sabemos que su existencia precede de la de los romanos, y que sus relaciones posteriores con Roma eran cordiales. Euskera ha cambiado muy poco desde aquellos días, cuando los romanos establecieron la ciudad de Pamplona en la asentamiento vasco de Iruña y por lo demás principalmente dejaron la región, pobre en recursos naturales, en paz. Por eso, la cultura vasca era capaz de sobrevivir. A través de la historia, los vascos han defendido su territorio contra los romanos, los vikingos, los visigodos, los musulmanes, y otros, pero al fin de la Edad Media, el País Vasco fue dividido, y sus partes fueron distribuidas entre España y Francia.
El nacionalismo vasco, entonces, no es un fenómeno reciente – los vascos han tenido una cultura minoritaria desde hace cientos de años, y el euskera siempre ha sido un parte fundamental de éste. “Para Breteña, Gales, y algunas otras naciones sin estados, el idioma es un elemento muy prominente en los programas nacionalistas (…) El elemento lingüístico aparece en grados diferentes en los distintos nacionalismos europeos, siendo el escocés y el irlandés del norte los que menos tienen que ver con la lengua.” escribe Daniele Conversi en Los Vascos, los Catalanes y España. Los vascos son posiblemente el extremo opuesto con el euskera. Según Conversi, muchos líderes nacionalistas consideran al euskera la clave de la supervivencia de los vascos como un pueblo distinto y se asombran que algunas personas se consideren nacionalistas cuando no lo hablan, ni lo estudian, ni lo propagan. Muchos vascos equiparan su pérdida con la extinción total de la identidad vasca.
No solo han los vascos hecho una identificación completa entre el euskera y su cultura desde hace mucho tiempo, sino que lo han hecho en una manera decididamente ofensiva. El primer libro publicado en euskera dedicó un poema al idioma mismo, diciendo con actitud desafiante: “Euskera, sal a la calle! Muchas personas pensaban, que escribir en el idioma vasco era imposible… ahora reconocen que se engañaban.” (Lingua Vasconum Primitiae, 1545) Otros elementos del folklore vasco también indican que ellos están orgullosos de la manera en que su idioma los separa de otros pueblos. “Tradicionalmente,” advierte Conversi, “había habido un orgullo entre muchos vascos sobre lo ininteligible de su idioma. La aserción que ningún extranjero había sido capaz de dominarlo funcionaba como una barrera psicológica muy fuerte contra la amalgamación e ‘infiltraciones malas’. Según una leyenda antigua, el diablo visitó un vez el País Vasco para aprender el idioma y encontrar discípulos. Trató por semanas, pero últimamente admitió la derrota y regresó al infierno a causa de su inhabilidad para aprender algo más allá de bai (sí) y ez (no).” (Conversi 1997)
A causa de leyendas como ésta y el misterio de los origines del el euskera, que muchos creen es un idioma paleolítico - un vestigio del pueblo más antiguo de Europa - el idioma ha desarrollado un valor casi mítico ya que los vascos lo conectaron más y más a su frágil supervivencia cultural. Algunos mitos representan al euskera como un idioma dado por Dios – un elemento folklórico que cumplió dos metas: establecer el euskera como sagrado, y afirmar que el cristianismo, un aspecto importante de la cultura vasca en ese tiempo y sin duda una influencia extranjera, no era inmune a esta protección sagrada, sino que fue su origen.
Juan Bautista de Erro, un antropólogo, trató de demonstrar “la primacía y antigüedad del euskera sobre todos los otros idiomas en el mundo… un idioma antiguo dado directamente por dios a la gente y no creado por ellos, y que la temprana lengua hablado en el Paráis era Euskera, preservado después de la confusión de Babel, salvado del diluvio universal por Noé, y traido al Pais Vasco por Tubal… era clamado más y más que los vascos eran conectado a la gente de Dios, pero que, a diferencia de los judíos, no rompieron este vínculo al crucificar a Cristo.” (Atienza 2006)
Por lo tanto, el idioma era visto como un guardia, un muro que protegía la sitiada ciudadela nacionalista…. No solo era el euskera un idioma dado por dios y crucial para la definición de la identidad vasca, sino que la gente ya consideraba el idioma como una barrera lingüística contra las infiltraciones extranjeras. Es posible que la posición del catalán dentro de Cataluña no alcanzara estas proporciones legendarias, pero era innegablemente crucial para el nacionalismo catalán. En el caso de Cataluña, la cosa más importante que separaba las dos culturas era la diferencia lingüística.
La importancia de ambos idiomas, por consiguiente, era bien establecida aún antes del franquismo. Después, de 1939 a 1945, el País Vasco era aterrorizado por una represión muy violenta del euskera. “Un descripción vaga de esta represión, que se asemejó a la del catalán, está incluida en un mensaje escrito a la UNESCO en 1952 por el presidente del gobierno vasco en el exilio. Denunció lo siguiente: El cierre de la universidad vasca, la ocupación por las fuerzas armadas de las asociaciones sociales y culturales; la quema masiva de libros en euskera, la eliminación de todo el uso del euskera en las escuelas, en las emisiones del radio, en las reuniones públicas y en publicaciones; la supresión de sociedades culturales vascas y de todas las revistas, los periódicos y las reseñas en euskera; la prohibición del uso del euskera en la celebración de la misa y otras ceremonias religiosas; un decreto que requería la traducción de todos los nombres vascos al español en los archivos civiles y documentos oficiales, y un directivo oficial que mandó la eliminación de las inscripciones en euskera de todas las lápidas y señales funerarias.” (Conversi 1997) El consenso es que la represión del catalán y del euskera son más o menos iguales en esfuerzo. “Pero,” Conversi escribe, “la represión en Euskadi tenía un aspecto físico que Cataluña solo experimentó en la etapa falangista más temprana, con encarcelamiento arbitrario, ataques por parte de la policía a ciudadanos desarmados, tortura y cosas relacionadas.” (Conversi 1997) Adicionalmente, mientras los intentos para destruir el euskera eran dirigidos abiertamente a su erradicación, la policía anti-catalán incluyó una estrategia suplementaria de ‘dialectización’: es decir, los autoridades trataron de promover el punto de vista que el catalán es sólo un dialecto del español. A pesar de la opresión, los catalanes triunfaron en publicar constantemente una buena cantidad de material en catalán.
Los efectos de esta persecución en el euskera fueron profundos. El idioma se estancó ya que estaba retraído de la mayoría de los espacios sociales. Durante los años del franquismo, la población vasca casi se duplicó, mientas que el número de vascoparlantes estaba más que decimado. “Esta declinación en la funcionalidad del idioma fue claramente traumática – es decir, que llegó a ser un proceso consciente… y cuando es algo traumático, significa que ocurre como una consecuencia súbita de considerar un evento actual causa suficiente para la ruptura o pérdida de algo que está protegido emocionalmente…. Esta represión era experimentada traumáticamente y es a causa de esto, considerada como la causa que afecta a la desaparición del euskera, aunque el idioma estaba perdiendo su función comunicativa desde tiempos inmemoriales.” (Perez-Agote 2006)
Los vascos cesaron de usar el euskera en los lugares públicos, más notablemente en las escuelas. El uso del idioma era muy limitado, y como resultado, algunas familias cesaron de usar el idioma o transmitirlo a los niños. Mientras tanto la desaparición del euskera llegó a ser una posibilidad real, y la gente empezó a ser realmente consciente de hablarlo porque no era fácil hacerlo en la realidad diaria, entonces el idioma obtuvo una valorización “gradual positiva y simbólica… por consiguiente, esta inmensa presión social y política transformó el declive del euskera como vehículo comunicativo a ser una causa célebre.” (Pérez-Agote 2006) Esto significa que a pesar del decreciente estado práctico del euskera, o tal vez a causa de esto, el valor simbólico del idioma como símbolo para el movimiento nacionalista en realidad era aumentado.
El estado casi mítico del euskera, y su conexión con el nacionalismo, siguió intensificándose, y en los años 1960 un programa de recuperación lingüística empezó. La manifestación principal de este movimiento fue el desarrollo de las ikastolas, que enseñaban el euskera unas horas cada semana. En principio estas escuelas eran secretas, pero después de diez años y el fin del franquismo pudieron administrarse abiertamente y se multiplicaron muy rápido. “En Gipuzkoa había ocho ikastolas en 1963, pero setenta y uno en 1975. En Bizkaia durante el mismo tiempo los números aumentaron de dos a cuarenta y cinco, en Araba de uno a seis, en Navarra de ninguna a veintidós. El crecimiento en el número de estudiantes que asisten estas ikastolas era también espectacular, especialmente en Gipuzkoa y Bizkaia. En Gipuzkoa el número de estudiantes aumentó de 520 a 17,971, y en Bizkaia de cincuenta y cuatro a 5,822.” (Pérez-Agote 2006) Hoy son todavía una presencia educacional muy formidable, y sirven como suplemento a las escuelas del estado, donde la educación en euskera es de calidad muy variable.
Pero la represión tuvo dos consecuencias muy diferentes con respeto al futuro del euskera. El resultado más inmediato fue esta valorización simbólica y positiva, pero en un sentido más práctico, la utilidad real del idioma ha decrecido mucho. Hoy, es imposible hablar solamente el euskera. Casi todos vascoparlantes pueden hablar español o francés con fluidez, y usan estos idiomas secundarios cada día. Aunque el idioma está recuperándose, no ha alcanzado a la mayoría de los idiomas del mundo con respeto a la expansión y profundidad de la literatura, y todavía es molestado por estereotipos como que es un idioma primitivo y rural. Esta suposición parece extraña ahora, mientras los vascohablantes han impregnado los campos avanzados de las ciencias y la tecnología, pero todavía existe… “La idea vieja, que precede la guerra civil, que para ser civilizado se tenía que hablar español… persiste. El euskera frecuentemente es hablado para razones puramente simbólicas, en una manera que sería embarazoso si uno hablara el español en una manera similar.” (Perez-Agote) Pero no se encuentra falto de valerosos disidentes. “Si tantos libros se hubieran escrito en euskera… como en cada otro idioma, sería tan profundo y perfecto como son, y si no se da el caso, los vascohablantes tienen la culpa en vez de la isla (el idioma mismo).” (Woodworth 2008)
Los catalanes siempre han sido de “la convicción interna de que Cataluña tenía una Cultura distintiva con una singular herencia literaria y artística. En contraste, la cultura vasca era ridiculizada por personas como Maetzu y Unamuno, una actitud con pocas paralelas entre los intelectuales catalanes. Aunque el euskera era hablado menos y menos, y tenía todos sus bastiones en el campo, también representaba la diferencia entre las dos culturas. El euskera era considerado la quintaesencia de la identidad vasca, pero la mayoría de los intelectuales lo consideraban como un retorno a una cultura que perteneció a la historia de la gente vasca, en vez de a su situación actual. En sus mentes, ninguna posición existía para el euskera en un mundo que estaba cambiando y modernizándose.
Otro resultado de la persecución que contribuyo al estancamiento posterior fue el componente casi mítico que desarrolló. En estos mitos, el euskera aparece como un idioma imposible para los extranjeros, impedido por alguna fuerza mítica. Estas actitudes eran dirigidas para proteger la cultura vasca. Pero, mientras la persecución del euskera ha decaído, tantas ideas sobre la puridad de la gente vasca y la intolerancia inherente a la influencia extranjera han resultado en el detraimiento de la supervivencia del idioma. Por ejemplo, tradicionalmente en euskera había una sola palabra – Euskaldun – que significaba al mismo tiempo persona vasca y vascoparlante. Esto combinó los dos términos al punto de la exclusión. Euskaldun implicó por su misma naturaleza que alguien no vasco no podía llegar a ser un vascohablante, y dejó como algo imposible para un influjo de inmigrantes asimilarse en la cultura, aun por matrimonio, y aun si hubieran elegido dedicar una gran cantidad de tiempo y esfuerzo para dominar el euskera.
“Mientras el gallego, el catalán, y los dialectos provinciales de catalán son idiomas romances funcionales y adaptados fácilmente a los requerimientos contemporáneos culturales y tecnológicos, el euskera es muy difícil de aprender o de adaptar. Inmigrantes no catalanoparlantes que se mudan a Cataluña frecuentemente alcanzan algún grado de familiarización con el catalán y llegan a ser catalanizados culturalmente y psicológicamente, por lo menos parcialmente. Este proceso está promovido por causa de las actitudes más extendidas de los catalanes, que promueven la asimilación, mientras que las actitudes vascas siempre han sido más exclusivas y particularistas. Además, los inmigrantes en el País Vasco vienen predominantemente de las provincias más letradas del norte de España y poseen una cultura castellana más fuerte que los inmigrantes algo letrados de las provincias menos desarrollados de España al sudeste que han compuesto la mayoría de los inmigrantes en Cataluña durante las últimas generaciones. Además, aunque la proporción de matrimonios de vascos con no vascos ha sido un tanto más alta que la de catalanes con no catalanes, la consecuencia ha sido desanimar la asimilación y causar la perdida adicional de la identidad vasca, considerando los problemas lingüísticos y culturales involucrados.” (Payne 1975)
Recientemente ha habido una desviación de esta norma tradicional de exclusión, al crearse “un nuevo término, euskaldunberri (euskaldun, vascoparlante :: berri, nuevo)” . “Antes, había sido solamente euskaldun, y un euskaldun habría supuesto ser un euskaldun-zaharra (zaharra, viejo). Mientras rechazan la dicotomía previa entre euskaldunak y erdaldunak (extranjero), los nacionalistas han elegido hacer hincapié en la participación de todos euskaldunberri en euskalherria.” (Conversi 1997) Pero, esto es tal vez demasiado poco y demasiado tarde para traer al euskera dentro del rango de las lenguas mundiales.
Aunque estos factores limiten la asimilación y aseguran que el alcance del euskera permanecerá muy limitado en el futuro previsible, la amenaza inmediata de la extinción se ha ido. ¿Qué piensan las personas sobre el euskera hoy? El euskera es una parte importante de su cultura. En teoría, lo apoyan completamente. Pero ahora, cuando no hay una amenaza inmediata de extinción, también ven otras maneras posibles en que pueden apoyar su cultura sin aprender un idioma tan difícil, y más y más están haciendo estas cosas.
Como escribió Kasmir en su estudio de la juventud vasca en 2000, “La muerte del idioma no es inminente ahora, y aquellos que no quieren no tienen que estar muy preocupados sobre el euskera, y encuentran su identidad vasca de otra manera. Pero para todos el idioma permanece un talismán poderoso nacionalista. Nacionalistas jóvenes que no pueden hablar el euskera fluido todavía escuchan música rock en el idioma. Aquellos que saben muy poco euskera cultivan frases sencillas, como “Zorionak!” (“Enhorabuena!”) y “Gero arte” (“Nos vemos pronto”), como schibboleths de solidaridad con la causa. Y aquellos que no puedan entender lo que cantan los bertsolariak asistirán una representación bertsolaritza y apoyarán el fenómeno cultural a causa de lo que representa.” (Kasmir 2001)
Hoy en día las actitudes positivas y negativas sobre el euskera coexisten. Como un idioma simbólico, la gente considera el euskera como el alma de la cultura vasca y está floreciendo. Como un idioma funcional, se ha estancado, y el movimiento hacia una mayor fluidez regional y producción de gran literatura ha mostrado poco progreso. Lo opuesto de esto se ve en la reacción a algunas tendencias recientes en algunas economías laborales, particularmente en ellos que enseñarían en el País Vasco. Cuando se requieren el euskera, los jóvenes más y más se sienten molestados porque tienen que aprender lo que es para ellos un idioma extranjero e intensamente difícil. El valor simbólico y emocional y el valor práctico del idioma no solo no tienen que coexistir… en algunas situaciones en realidad tienen una relación negativa. Cuando el valor práctico disminuye, el valor emocional aumenta y viceversa.
El euskera ha existido desde hace muchos años, pues es el idioma más antiguo de Europa, pero durante toda la historia que se recuerda, ha sido un idioma amenazado, y esto ha afectado muy profundamente su desarrollo. En los años más recientes, la amenaza de extinción por la fuerza se ha levantado, y ha llegado a ser evidente que la supresión anterior era uno de los factores que mantenía interés en el idioma. Además, en algunas formas, los mitos viejos sobre la inexpugnabilidad del euskera han regresado para atormentarlo, lo cual ahora no es una postura preservativa, sino autodestructiva. Por estas razones, el euskera no se ha recuperado de su supresión mas reciente como el catalán, aunque sus situaciones parecían similares al inicio. También puede empezar a explicar porque el tema de la independencia vasca permanece tan controversial y tumultuoso. Lo que va a pasar con el euskera en el futuro es difícil de predecir, pero es evidente que es un parte intrínseca de la cultura vasca, y como tal no va a desaparecer fácilmente o inmediatamente.
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