I was just on Stephanie's lovely blog, and it rehashed all the things we'd said during our walk in Queenie on Friday. Summer's Ending... And it's going to leave us as Seniors. And when the year that is now beginning ends - and it surely will - it will leave us as adults. Gone are the days when I could fall into a period of my life and trust it to hold for a while, as I settled in. Even the phases of my life may be going to fast.
When the last summer of childhood ends, where does that leave you?
* No more family camping trips
* No more long, long mosquito nights
* No more hopeless summer goals
* No more promises that vanish in the heat
* No more Harry Potter
* No more Pirates of the Caribbean
Then again, this summer has hardly been a summer. I've worked... changed diapers and shelved books and baked brownies in exchange for green slips of paper that smell like a thousand human hands. I've studied... Latin at Starbucks, early in the morning, Finnish at the pool, in a moldy, shady corner, Chinese at night, struggling to twist my mind around tones.
It's not as if there haven't been benefits - I'm 2,000 dollars the richer, have brushed up on the Latin basics, learned to make a few funny sounds, and gotten a head start for Finnish, after all - but I'm not ready for summer to end.
I haven't yet cleared the slate for the new year. Haven't cleaned my room until it shines, haven't done every last scrap of laundry, haven't forgotten everything intellectual and replaced it with sludge, haven't rp-ed, haven't gotten so lazy I sleep in til noon each day, haven't descended to the level of watching the TV, haven't started getting curious about new teachers and courses, haven't purchased school supplies and laid them out in a tidy little row, haven't started an epic length novel I'll never finish, haven't worked on a leisure reading book list...
NOTHING!
Two weeks from tomorrow lies in shadows, the beginning of a year of school that still seems far away. And beyond that... darkness.
I'm eager in a way, but I want these things to take their own good time. I'm not ready, not really, I haven't done everything I wanted to...
Been so busy looking forward that I failed to exhaust present potentials...
And now, for the first time in my life, something is ending.
July 29, 2007
July 18, 2007
Admitting Uncertainty
When faced with big questions, with religion or politics or world relations, so many take the easy way out. So many pick a side blindly and cling to it without reason. So many feign atheism, moderation, or even apathy.
I often wish to take one of these paths and disappear along it, but there is no fooling the mind. I am always confused... so easily persuaded by a well-written article or a moving real-life example. Sometimes I tell myself, 'well, the issue must be taken on a case-by-case basis', and dismiss it for a while. Other times I almost accept that there is no easy answer, and sketch out into my mind the two well balanced sides. To put them in eloquent words holds them off for the time being, but the troubling thoughts return.
As if my opinion matters. As if I can conform the world to my will. As if I need to take a stance on every issue. I've always felt that I must know, must understand, must be able to tell right from wrong, but sometimes it is so difficult.
Interesting indeed...
There are no easy answers. I feel the questions lie within me and twist through my stomach, and at times I feel almost nauseous. I wonder if the world was ever more clear cut, or if it's always been filled with shades of grey, and I think... If one person can be so divided, how can we blame the world for war?
I often wish to take one of these paths and disappear along it, but there is no fooling the mind. I am always confused... so easily persuaded by a well-written article or a moving real-life example. Sometimes I tell myself, 'well, the issue must be taken on a case-by-case basis', and dismiss it for a while. Other times I almost accept that there is no easy answer, and sketch out into my mind the two well balanced sides. To put them in eloquent words holds them off for the time being, but the troubling thoughts return.
As if my opinion matters. As if I can conform the world to my will. As if I need to take a stance on every issue. I've always felt that I must know, must understand, must be able to tell right from wrong, but sometimes it is so difficult.
What shall we do about immigration?
My first instinct says that of course, be kind, be generous, let them in. They want to make a life for themselves, the majority of them - they're people too, mostly good ones. It's hardly their fault they weren't born into a better society! The fact that I know several Mexicans, legal and illegal and still in Mexico, only serves to strengthen my opinion.
And then I read an especially well written article opposing the immigration. So many of them are terrible and strike all the wrong notes - "AMERICA FOR AMERICANS!", "THEYRE TAKING OUR JOBS!". But this one looked reasonable, and I read it. It was filled with examples of a similar crisis some years back in Europe, particularly in France. The immigrants were happy to have a new life and new opportunities, were in fact hard workers and model citizens. But their children, and their children's children, have now forgotten the hard life they came from and have become ungrateful, even resentful of perceived discrimination. The article closes saying that first generation Mexicans are already resentful, even going so far as to desecrate our own flag at sporting events.
Interesting indeed...
What shall we do about the War in Iraq?
My first opinion sides with most of the world. Get out. Now. Why are we there? What are we doing in that God Forsaken Place? It's a civil war - their civil war, and we have no place in it. Besides, we went for the oil. The majority doesn't want us there. The UN doesn't even want us there... that should say everything. I hear refugees tell me that yes, Saddam was bad, but that life under the Americans has been harder.
And then I think about it. Really think about it. Humour the other side, minus the oil-hunting and lies and secrecy. And I think about Hotel Rwanda. How I was outraged that no one did anything. How could it have come to that? How could no one have helped? The UN pulled out, America protected its own and left the minority to die. That was a civil war, too. A civil war in a faraway land...
There are no easy answers. I feel the questions lie within me and twist through my stomach, and at times I feel almost nauseous. I wonder if the world was ever more clear cut, or if it's always been filled with shades of grey, and I think... If one person can be so divided, how can we blame the world for war?
To Be Called "Foreigner"
Frau Eilken said to me,
"There comes a point where you have to ask yourself...
If you're willing to never be home again,
If you want to be called 'foreigner' for the rest of your life,
And let it define you..."
Ha! I always wanted to be the 'foreigner', or something equally as strange, as mysterious. Now when the time comes, how can I be frightened of it?
I may not feel as though the United States are truly HOME, as they should be... I don't feel the spirits of my ancestors in the earth or feel this incredible sense of belonging or identity...
I chase this dream, that somewhere in the world there is a place that I can call home... but it cannot truly be. I am expecting to much from home, as I expect too much from family and even from community.
At my age, no one knows with certainty quite where they belong. Leave it to me to make a mountain out of a mole-hill, to make it a national question where most people content themselves with changing their lunch table. I'm such a shameless dreamer...
I chase this dream even knowing that if I leave America I'll leave the closest thing I have to home, imperfect as it may be. I scan everywhere and pass nowhere, except in the one place I don't scan at all, the one place I'd like to repudiate. America may already be in my blood... not deep but deep enough, deeper than aught else.
"Have you ever wondered..."
My mom said,
"If the problem isn't everyone else...
But if the problem was you..."
"There comes a point where you have to ask yourself...
If you're willing to never be home again,
If you want to be called 'foreigner' for the rest of your life,
And let it define you..."
Ha! I always wanted to be the 'foreigner', or something equally as strange, as mysterious. Now when the time comes, how can I be frightened of it?
I may not feel as though the United States are truly HOME, as they should be... I don't feel the spirits of my ancestors in the earth or feel this incredible sense of belonging or identity...
I chase this dream, that somewhere in the world there is a place that I can call home... but it cannot truly be. I am expecting to much from home, as I expect too much from family and even from community.
At my age, no one knows with certainty quite where they belong. Leave it to me to make a mountain out of a mole-hill, to make it a national question where most people content themselves with changing their lunch table. I'm such a shameless dreamer...
I chase this dream even knowing that if I leave America I'll leave the closest thing I have to home, imperfect as it may be. I scan everywhere and pass nowhere, except in the one place I don't scan at all, the one place I'd like to repudiate. America may already be in my blood... not deep but deep enough, deeper than aught else.
"Have you ever wondered..."
My mom said,
"If the problem isn't everyone else...
But if the problem was you..."
July 14, 2007
Sort of, Kind of Official
So, this is how the whole thing started:
First I was just going to go on a little trip to Costa Rica with my Spanish Class...
But then, right as I started getting excited, it looked like that trip was going to be cancelled.
I was joking when I asked Liisa if I could visit her in Finland...
But then suddenly I wasn't.
And then the Costa Rica trip didn't get cancelled.
And I made the only possible decision.
I would do both.
-----
I started working hard, making money, learning Finnish...
I was at the table eating breakfast when my dad asked me, "Would you rather go to Italy or Costa Rica?"
That was poorly phrased.
The trip would start out in Italy, then it could go anywhere.
We worked out a plan - we'd go from Turin to Barcelona through the south of France and the Pyrenees, hitting Cannes and Monaco on the way.
Then Dad wanted to add in Venice.
Then Mom realized how close Switzerland was.
We've already mentioned how bad I am at making choices...
-----
Anyway, I chose both.
All Three.
Everything.
--------
Six Weeks, Six Countries, Six Languages,* One Arrogant American, One Really Big Suitcase
666...
But anyway, so it begins.
* 666 ???
* Six Weeks - Two in Costa Rica, Two in Mediterranean-Alps, Two in Finland
* Six Countries - Costa Rica, Italy, Switzerland, France and Monaco, Spain, Finland
* Six Languages - Spanish, Italian, German, French, Finnish, Swedish
It's Official, Pictures
...I was just going to go on a little trip to Costa Rica...
...I asked Liisa if I could visit her in Finland...
...We'd go from Turin...
...to Barcelona...
... through the South of France...
... and the Pyrenees...
...hitting Cannes and Monaco on the way...
...Add in Venice.
... realized how close Switzerland was.
July 13, 2007
Finnish Translation...
http://www.turunsanomat.fi/kulttuuri/?ts=1,3:1005:0:0,4:5:0:1:2007-07-13,104:5:472002,1:0:0:0:0:0:
Wow, I feel cool to be able to read this. Sort of. When a pencil, and a pen, and a highlighter, and a dictionary, and google image search, and some guess work. Still, It's exciting...
* - Very bad translation
____ - I have no bloody idea what this says
Other things are probably wrong, too.
Harry Potterin täytyy menettää läheisiään. Vain sitä kautta hänen on mahdollista kasvaa. Mielestäni on hienoa, että kovia kokenut ja useita läheisiään menettänyt hahmo pystyy pysymään voimakastahtoisena. Juuri sen takia Harry Potter onkin hyvä roolimalli, analysoi Harry Potter ja Feeniksin kilta -elokuvassa näyttelevä Katie Leung, 19.
Harry Potter must lose *intimates*. Only through this is growth possible. It seems to me beautiful, that having experienced so much and lost so many *intimates*, the character is able to endure intense ______. Just because of it, Harry Potter is also a good Role Model, analyzes Katie Leung, 19, actress is the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Wow, I feel cool to be able to read this. Sort of. When a pencil, and a pen, and a highlighter, and a dictionary, and google image search, and some guess work. Still, It's exciting...
* - Very bad translation
____ - I have no bloody idea what this says
Other things are probably wrong, too.
Harry Potterin täytyy menettää läheisiään. Vain sitä kautta hänen on mahdollista kasvaa. Mielestäni on hienoa, että kovia kokenut ja useita läheisiään menettänyt hahmo pystyy pysymään voimakastahtoisena. Juuri sen takia Harry Potter onkin hyvä roolimalli, analysoi Harry Potter ja Feeniksin kilta -elokuvassa näyttelevä Katie Leung, 19.
Harry Potter must lose *intimates*. Only through this is growth possible. It seems to me beautiful, that having experienced so much and lost so many *intimates*, the character is able to endure intense ______. Just because of it, Harry Potter is also a good Role Model, analyzes Katie Leung, 19, actress is the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
July 12, 2007
Lack of Posts...
Not many posts lately, I know... But I've been working days up to 14 hours, and when I haven't been working I've been:
A.) Asleep
B.) Eating
C.) Studying Finnish
or
D.) Emailing Liisa
A.) Asleep
B.) Eating
C.) Studying Finnish
or
D.) Emailing Liisa
July 11, 2007
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